HELP! >.<
I just made a revised draft of my Common App admission essay to send in tomorrow to 5 different schools by mail but I'm worried it might be bit too rushed as I just had too many exams piled up (I can't believe I did it in 2 days and I'm sure I made many grammar mistakes because my writing is not really all that great).
If you could have a look at my essay, give any advice on how I could make my essay better, make it more to the point and help me think of a suitable title for a last minute revision - I'd be very grateful.
And yes, I am living in Hong Kong. If you want a postcard, just ask.XD
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
At age 10, I flew halfway around the world from the United States to relocate to Hong Kong.
As I passed through Hong Kong Customs, and entered Hong Kong, an island thousands of miles away from the only home I knew, I had no idea what to expect. I was a typical, carefree and fun-loving boy. At that age, I thoroughly enjoyed learning names of dinosaurs, watching sci-fi movies and playing table tennis. It was when I entered high school in Hong Kong; my life took a drastic change.
I never started learning Chinese until I entered high school. Unlike the students in my high school, my native language was English. However, my high school teaches all subjects in Chinese. It was horribly difficult to cope with my studies when I had to look up Chinese characters in every subject book one by one just to capture the contents of my lessons, not to mention I couldn't catch any of the words my teacher said. To make matters worse, I didn't fit well with other local students as there were significant cultural gaps accompanied by an obvious language problem. I felt terribly lonely because I couldn't make any friends. Life seemed meaningless. I thought of giving up and wanted to return to the States.
Quitting was not an option. I didn't want to tell myself I was a quitter and that's what I will have to live with for the rest of my life. That would have been foolish and would not have accomplished anything. I pulled myself together. I worked day and night, telling myself that I knew more everyday than I did the day before. As I worked myself away, I saw my hard work becoming fruitful. As my Chinese steadily improved, I made new friends. Once they knew my situation, they tried to help me and support me. They also encouraged me to join in their social activities. When I look back to my high school years in Hong Kong; I see an academic journey, a cultural journey as well as a mental journey I have made.
I realize how attitude impacted every corner of how I overcame difficulties most would succumb. Attitude holds the key to my perceptions; perceptions to my behaviors; behaviors decide outcome. We have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we choose to face situations. With a confident, determined and optimistic attitude, I believe in changing the unchangeable, make the impossible possible, pursuing our never-ending quest of living a meaningful life.
As I am preparing to fly back halfway around the world to the States again, I am very excited about how the world will unfold. Approaching my university life, I hope to share my unique experience with others around me.
The essay is okay as a whole but there are some corrections (according to my knowledge):
"As I stepped foot into Hong Kong, an island thousands of miles away from the only home I knew, I realized that I had no expectations."
"It was when I entered high school in Hong Kong that my life took a drastic change."
I sense something wrong in this sentence, but can't figure out what:
"Attitude holds the key to my perceptions; perceptions to my behaviors; behaviors decide outcome."
I hope it helped...
\m/
PS. check out my essay on the same topic:
Thanks for your advice.That was quick! Let me correct my essay and I'll have a look at yours ;) But I'm probably not really that good at writing as you are though. :(
Well, I'm not very good at writing as well. But different people look at a piece of work in their own perspectives. So, I prefer to take opinions from as broad a spectrum as possible.
:)
Great last sentence.
Less is more:
As I am preparing to fly back halfway around the world to the States again , I am...
...very excited about how the world will unfold. ----> can you be more specific?
The whole essay could use one super-intriguing sub-topic that would blend perfectly with what is already there and compound the meaningfulness. "Quitting is not an option" is a great theme, as long as you take a very unique approach. The essay is already very good; this is just an idea.
:-)
U of Michigan Essay - Setback (Hong-Kong, America)
I need help with grammar, effectiveness and transition. Also, anything else I should add? Thanks.
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Prompt: Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react? (about 500)
Have you ever faced a 'concrete wall' barricading you from achieving something? For me, that concrete wall is Chinese Language. Chinese language was a barrier for me because at age 11 my family moved from America to Hong Kong. Through learning Chinese, I have understood to solve a problem, you must confront, not escape.
I used to live in America and never encountered this barrier, but as I stepped foot in Hong Kong, I bumped straight to this wall. A Chinese woman asked me for directions on a map and I was speechless, flushing red with shyness. In the end, I just shook my head and walked away. I held an 'escape from problems' attitude towards the language barrier ever since.
This attitude did not change until I entered high school. Unlike the students in my Hong Kong high school, my native language was English. However, my high school taught all subjects in Chinese. It was horribly difficult to cope with my studies when I had to look up Chinese characters in every subject book one at a time just to capture the contents of my lessons, not to mention that I could not catch any of the words my teacher said. To make matters worse, I did not fit well with other local students as there were significant cultural gaps accompanied by the obvious language problem. I felt terribly lonely because I couldn't make any friends. Life seemed meaningless. I thought of giving up and wanted to return to the States.
Quitting was not an option. I did not want to tell myself I was a quitter when I face obstacles and quitting is all I would do for the rest of my life. That would have been foolish and would not have accomplished anything. I pulled myself together. I worked day and night, telling myself that I knew more everyday than I did the day before. As I worked myself away, I saw my hard work bear fruit. As my Chinese steadily improved, I also made new friends. Once they knew my situation, they tried to help me and support me. They also encouraged me to join in their conversations. Without their help, I would not be able to climb over this wall. When I look back to my high school years in Hong Kong; I see an academic journey, a cultural journey as well as a mental journey I have made.
I realize how attitude impacted every corner of how I overcame difficulties most would succumb. Attitude holds the key to my perceptions; perceptions to my behaviors; behaviors decide outcome. We have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we choose to face setbacks. That concrete wall must be there for a reason; not because a lack of strength or knowledge, but to obstruct people who do not have enough willpower to climb over it. I believe when I possess enough dedication, I can scale any wall in my path.
I recycled my essay (though I know shouldn't be shortcutting, but a occasional circumvention around the 'wall' is okay I guess)*wink*, but I'm not sure if it answers the prompt correctly, especially the 'how your presence enriches the UWM community' part. Please advise me on how I can edit and improve it or if I should consider redoing it. Thanks
at the end you should get rid of "once" and work the concrete wall reference in to the final sentance like u did in the first
something like
I believe I possess enough dedication to scale any wall in my path
In the end, I just shook my head and walked away. I held an 'escape from problems' attitude ever since.
By the time I get to this part, I am confused. I have encountered people to whom I could not give directions because of a language barrier, but it did not make me run from problems. I think this needs to be explained more clearly.
I know what to do! Add some sentences to the introduction so that it explains that the Chinese language was a barrier for you because at age _____ your family moved from _____ to _______. (After this, give a thesis sentence that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. Then end the first paragraph.)
:-)
wow, thanks. I had a feeling it was vague. But I couldnt think of anything else. But, there's one more thing, I need to confirm if the essay is apprioriate for the prompt from UWMadison. If you can, I would be very appreciative.
Please help me improve the revised edition
Also,I need to confirm if the essay is apprioriate for the prompt from UWMadison.
Statement 1:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Through learning Chinese, I have understood gained insight into the way of solving problems by confronting them rather than trying to escape.
This is great! And at the end, shouldn't you write about the fact that you are now bilingual, or pretty close to bilingual, able to think in 2 different languages? That shows that the struggle was actually building for you a strong foundation.
Also:
I bumped straight to this wall. -------- this is a great way of writing. You make the reader become absorbed into the events as you describe them...
Thanks for the suggestion!
I admit I am not exactly bilingual, though pretty close, I guess, as thinking in Chinese is still rather slow for me. Also, strangely when I improve my Chinese, my English rusts. (rest=rust?)
Back to the essay, I am not exactly sure how to add "being bilingual/thinking in 2 languages" at the end without going off-topic or sounding awkward. In other words, my mind is fuzzy on how to connect the two. Also, I have a premonition that I might sound boastful.
But, hey, here's a try:
*ditto*
(Last Paragraph)
I realize how attitude impacted every corner of how I overcame difficulties most would succumb. Attitude holds the key to my perceptions; perceptions to my behaviors; behaviors decide outcome. We have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we choose to face setbacks. Through this struggle, I have learned another language (or more directly: "I have become bilingual"? sounds awkward...); but more importantly, I have gained outlook on life's principles. That concrete wall must be there for a reason; not because of a lack of strength or knowledge, but to obstruct people who do not have enough willpower to climb over it. I believe when I possess enough dedication, I can scale any wall in my path.
Compared with the above, what do you think? (Or does anyone else have ideas?)
Also, I must thank you again for spending the time to revise my essays. I never thought people could be so helpful.
