Would appreciate any constructive criticism :) Be harsh on me :( I know it sucks, but any help towards getting it better is appreciated ^_^
The topic is supposed to be : Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
It all started in my Physics class. After class the teacher asked me and a few other classmates if we would like to participate in a contest. Obviously we all answered positively with excitement, because we knew it was going to be a very fun and new experience for us. A few weeks had passed, when the teacher reminded us about the contest we had forgotten about. She said it was to be held next month. Right away she noticed our frustration and proposed that we could go and visit the Observatory for some advice and help with the project. It was a place which I had known my whole life, but never bothered to visit. We held a meeting there and I met some very interesting people. After the opportunity to talk with those people our group was filled with enthusiasm and ideas about the project. We gathered at my house and started working immediately. We repeated this until the day of the contest; every day after school we would all go to my home and brainstorm over new ideas. It was great, not only that we were working together on the project, which was something new to me, but our teamwork was also better than when we started. Before we knew it the time had passed. It was "that day", already.
The contest itself was to be held at the Observatory. When we got there it was full of people. Eagerly we waited for them to announce the beginning and who is to present their project first. Good for us or at least for me, I did not want us to be first, we were the 3rd team to show our project. Before we knew it the first two teams had already been done, their projects were very good so I was a little intimidated. We got up on the stage and started presenting. It was my first time being in front of such a big crowd. When my time came to speak I was dumbfounded. I opened my mouth in an effort to speak, but nothing came out. This moment which surely lasted only a few seconds was like an eternity to me. My heart was pulsing and my head was about to explode, I could see them all looking at me. Then my classmate next to me pushed me and in an instant everything was back to normal. Other than my little hiccup during the presentation everything went smoothly. After a few hours when all of the teams presented their projects it was announced. We won. I did not believe it at first, I was sure that because of me we were not going to get 1st place, but luckily I think that the judges understood we were all nervous. Right after this contest one of the teachers in the observatory offered us to join a club in which we were to learn about Astronomy. It is as if a whole new world opened in front of me when I began visiting this club. I found out so many new and beautiful things in our universe that I was just astonished. Never would have I guessed that the space beyond our planet was hiding such secrets. That is how it all began. Since "that day" my life has changed. No longer am I afraid of speaking in front of crowds, but even more I found something new and very interesting to me.
For this I am thankful to my Physics teacher. If it was not for her I doubt I would have made so many new friends and more importantly find something new that had always been there.
Hello,
This is not a good admissions essay. What is the point you are trying to make here? Besides the numerous grammatical errors, there is not rhyme or reason to this essay. Admissions essays must always tell a story and how you were positively impacted. In this essay you are just telling a story. You do not go into any detail about anything of substance. What was the actual competition about? What case did you present? What were some of the obstacles you guys had to overcome? The common application essay is your time to show the schools who you are and what you are made of. - AAO
Hope This Helps
Hi, I agree with Kevin. The essay does not show how the experience really changed you. I think you should focus on making it more personal as opposed to just narrating the experience. show the transition between who you were before the incident and who you are now. Really emphasize on your emotions how you thought you grew. Maybe you should pick another topic to talk about instead? Sorry if I sound harsh. Good luck!
Harsh?Definitely. That is why I said I wanted harsh judgement :) Thank you very much I will try to re-do it.. This is really tough for me since I am really bad at writing essays >.< Thank you again !
It all started in my Physics class . After class the teacher asked me and a few other classmates if we would like to participate in a contest. Without hesitation, we surprised the teacher with a sudden "yes" ! <--do you like this? haha Im not sure if it is a good revision, but that is just my suggestion. My point is that I want you to dramatize this essay a bit more : )
She said it was to be held next month. Right away she noticed our frustration and proposed that we could go and visit the Observatory for some advice and help with the project. *maybe you should describe a bit more about your emotions/ thoughts at that time. Something that reveals your frustration.
I hope this helps :)
Overall, you have a good content. You talk about a general experience, which, if dramatized and described a bit more in details, can be pretty much interesting and meaningful : )
Good luck!
Please take a look at mine if you hav time ; ))
Hello! I think this is a great story. I would advise rereading it out loud and finding where there are a few short sentences in a row. This makes it sound a bit clunky. Also, where there are words like "good" and "very" try to find something more descriptive. Good luck!
I think you've chosen a good topic, and I'd say your writing style is pretty well crafted. The problem is that you don't get to the point fast enough; the first two paragraphs give too much irrelevant detail about the buildup to the main point, which is that you had stage fright and overcame it. There's two and a half paragraphs of build up, one paragraph describing the actual moment, and two sentences reflecting. I would say that you should condense the first two paragraphs down to maybe even a quarter of the length they are now. You should do just enough background so that the story makes sense, and perhaps add some stuff about how you became friends with your partners (since that's important later).
Instead, you should add more to the moment and the reflection afterwards. That's the important part. What did you learn from the experience? What are you doing to help get over your stage fright? What was the moral of the story? Those are all the important parts. Going to the observatory, learning about the project from your teacher, working at your house... those are all irrelevant and slightly boring parts, so get rid of them, unless they have some purpose that's not coming through.
Other than that, I'd say it's pretty good. Your writing style is neat, you might work on making it sound a little more speaking though; use some contractions, and look at the verb tenses you use. Try reading it out loud, and pick the phrasing that sounds "right." But grammar wise you're pretty great, as far as I could tell, and the moment is well written!
Thank you for the advice :) Other than the build up being too long aren't there any other mistakes :?
I am not so sure which point you want to elaborate, the challenging competition or the overcome of stage fright, or both.
Anyway, I have to say it is an interesting essay and good luck with your application.O(∩_∩)O~
Thank you for the advice :) Other than the build up being too long aren't there any other mistakes :?
Nope, unless there's some stuff I missed grammatically (nothing too obvious or I would have caught it) all you have to do is take some of the stuff at the beginning, and put it at the end instead. :)
