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"I started swimming when I was 7" - influential person, Syracuse University

Fpoz 2 / 6  
Dec 24, 2010   #1
On the subject of: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence"

Throughout my entire life the people who have had the biggest impact on my life are those who are the closest to me. I've never had a famous person as a role model, even though I do admire some icons such as Michael Phelps. My mom, above everyone, is the person who has helped me the most, with school and with my swimming. She always raised me to be the best I could be.

Why does she have an impact on my life? First of all, she gave birth to me; I've come to think that's quite enough, but she didn't. So she took the trouble, even though she already did it with my older brother and sister, of taking me to my first day of school, helping me study, if I ripped my pants she would fix them the next day, she simply completed my life, and I never appreciated her as much as I should have because she did all of these things without me asking her to do it. It's some kind of instinct she had so she would always know what I needed, and she would make that her number one priority. Not long ago I really noticed all she did, and I can't write down how much I appreciate it.

I started swimming when I was 7 and from that day she stood by me. If I did good she would congratulate me if I didn't she would help me do right what I did wrong. She taught me to be strong but at the same time humble and helpful. In hard times my mom would hear out my problems and then tell me just what I had to hear. Thanks to her I learned not to give up. I can't explain the sense of comfort I had when she was around, everything was done without me knowing, and I couldn't complain. The most amazing thing is that she managed to do this and at the same time she made me a mature, independent person. She also taught English in college which, even though she was paid a misery, she would give it her all every day.

I can't sum up everything she means to me, not only she molded my whole way of being, raised me to follow all of her great attributes, and dedicated to me all of our days together, but she still managed to come up with a smile to everyone else, she had time to do what she loved, teach, she also had to take care of my brother and sister, but most impressive, she still manages to make an impact on my life even though she passed away over 6 months ago.

I have read and checked it a few times, a friend told me it's a great essay but the ideas are a bit disorganized, I'd love, and really appreciate your help. Thanks beforehand.

KMercier 1 / 4  
Dec 24, 2010   #2
Do not restate the question, Gather your thoughts so the essay can flow by using transitions, similes, metaphors, and most importantly making your essay stand out.
OP Fpoz 2 / 6  
Dec 24, 2010   #3
I'll do that thanks a lot.

Any other opinions will be appreciated as well
lolaconte123 1 / 3  
Dec 25, 2010   #4
Hmmm I dont know. Even though it is about a person who influences you I think colleges essays are still supposed to reflect you as well. I don' think this tells enough about yourself besides the fact that you swim.
Azeri 10 / 137  
Dec 26, 2010   #5
I don' think this tells enough about yourself besides the fact that you swim.

I agree with Victoria that you should tell more about yourself, mention your achievments. You wrote about becoming independent and mature, learning not to give up, but did not show facts of it. Try to relate what you've learned from a person who influenced you to your current accomplishments.
rajeshaaidu 2 / 31  
Dec 26, 2010   #6
Dear Pozzobon,

I think, in this type of writing you should be little bit cautious on the selection of role model, and you should try to avoid your parents as your role model even if they are because whatever you have written that applies to the 80% of the people across the globe. So, select a person for a specific reason and describe how they have changed your life or thinking. I would ask a question-

Tell me, whose mother don't use to be the same way as you have described? Except few exceptions most of the people will tell you same feelings for their mother. First, you read little bit about the selection of role model, and if then also you are ardent to use your parents as role model (there is no harm in doing that provided it should be specific and not general), it's better, you focus more on how she has affected your thinking.

Thanks and best of luck!!!
bbish520 8 / 30  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
first of all, thanks for reading mine!

having your mother as the most influencial person is quite a good choice but from what i read i think you would have to re-write it. It's kinda disorganize as you friend mention. Maybe you can make a list of the points you want to touch in your essay in regards to your mom.

Hope i help!!

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