This is my response to the Brown Supplement which asks: "What don't you know?"
I would appreciate any feedback, and feel free to be harsh if you feel it necessary.
Science teaches us that the universe is expanding. It proves this by citing the redshift surveys, evidence that other galaxies are receding from ours - an explainable occurrence only if universal expansion is indeed present. I do not know how this expansion is possible, what the universe is expanding into, or how it could be happening without expanding into anything, as scientists believe. I do not know where space even came from. Some tell me that God created it, but I do not know how God was created. For that matter, I do not know if He even exists. I do not know if there is a heaven and a hell, and I do not know what happens when you die if there is not. I ponder, I theorize, I believe, but I do not know.
The status of global economics, politics, and the environment is in turmoil. I do not know how the world will look by the time I have finished my education. I do not know if global warming will be an urgent and growing crisis or if further analysis and study will point to a much more modest trend in climate change. I do not know how the developed nations of the world can combat global poverty, disease, and hunger. I am profoundly worried when thinking about all of this, I know that solutions must be found for these pressing issues, but I do not know what they will be, or how I will be able to contribute most effectively.
My stated career choice is "Undecided". I do not know where I will be or what I will be doing after college. In fact, I do not know all of the classes I will take in college, what my major will be, or with certainty which college I will attend. I believe it is an important part of the college experience to experiment and expand one's academic horizons, so not knowing the final direction of my academic career is something that I embrace, and I look forward to the experiences that will allow me to know what path will be right for me. But right now I do not know what that path will be.
I want to go to Brown. I do not know whether or not I will be accepted or whether this essay effectively provided an insight into how I think and approach issues. But I do know that I was honest and that I wrote about things I care about, things that make me who I am. And ultimately my doubt and gaps in my knowledge concerning science, religion, the state of the world, my academic career, or anything else are important, because they lead me to thought and investigation, and thus to learning. There is a lot that I do not know, but I do know that I can take advantage of that to push myself beyond what I had previously thought possible.
Science teaches us that the universe is expanding. ----> can you say this first part n a more sophisticated way? For example, you can google around and find out when this idea of expansion was first introduced and scrutinized. Don't just say "science teaches us..." because that sounds like a simple understanding of science.
I ponder, I theorize, and I even believe, but I do not know.
Now, the real problem with this essay is that you start right in on the descriptin without giving any real intro. You just start listing things you do not know, and you explain them eloquently, but you really should start by giving a good theme in the first paragraph.
Then, give all these examples as ways of supporting the theme. The theme is about you and your importnt observations about things we don't know, and perhaps the implications of the fact that we cannot know certain things.
:-)
