Hey all, I am currently working on my personal statement, and could use some opinions and help in spots. I don't have a concluding paragraph yet, and I am keeping it around 500 words.
I have a catastrophically low GPA, so my essays are very valuable.
Thanks for giving it a look.
Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect. For years I kept both my mind and my eyes shut, telling myself luck was the only significant factor in my life, that my fate was sealed from day one, that I could do nothing to remedy any negative experiences I encountered. I was once a shallow person, blaming all my problems on abstract things. For years I dubiously dragged on through life, giving little to no effort towards anything. It was only recently that I opened my eyes, expanded my thoughts, and realized the only true antagonist in my life is my mind.
Divorce, addiction, illness, murder; it seemed I was a primary recipient of bad luck. I accepted all of it, only hoping that one day my luck would turn for the better. That day never came. Instead, towards the end of my junior year, a good friend indirectly assisted me in realizing the path I was heading down. I panicked, in a sense, and quickly took action. I identified what I wanted to do in life and how I needed to get there. I had no doubts about engineering, so I stopped moping about my "luck" and began working. I was amazed at the ease with which good grades came, amazed at what I had learned over the years. All I needed to do was put forth the effort; I had already absorbed the knowledge to complete the material given to me. Although the fourth quarter was already half over when I obtained my new attitude, I was ecstatic when I received my final report card which showed nearly a point and a half of improvement.
The mind is incredible. While I was careless, I was always learning. I discovered the reality that nothing comes without work. With that discovery, I learned the true power of my mind. I learned that I was capable of anything, that I could reach any goal. I cannot remedy my past, nor do I want to. It has been an invaluable learning experience for me, and without it, I would not have the mentality and success that I have today. I hope to transfer what I have learned to my future children and class mates alike. I am pushing forward, inching my way towards my goals.
Tim,
A few things. Your opening sentence is great and definitely draws attention to your writing. However, i would make it gender neutral, changing "men" to "people".
Next, I think there are some spots were you have some good and interesting things to say, but you could maybe dress them up a bit to keep things as interesting as they can be. some editing suggestions-
For years I kept both my mind and my eyes shut = For years I went through life with my mind closed and my vision narrowed.
After "significant factor in my life" end on a period, then add "I felt" to open the next sentence.
In your last paragraph, it seems like your setting up for a really good, strong closing so i would keep with that idea and expand on some things. try to be a bit more descriptive with your ideas about the mind. I found it interesting to read but that makes me wish there was a bit more of it.
For your closing paragraph, I like that you start to bring it towards a positive note near the end and i would go with that. Maybe expand on your future goals and how you are/will progress towards them? I think ending on I high note will make for a very fulfilling reading experience.
"That day never came". I liked that, really drove home the idea of how rough things were.
Hope this helps, good luck!!
Thanks Susan, you made some great points. I changed a few things around and added some more detail. Let me know what you think.
Shallow people believe in luck. Strong people believe in cause and effect. For years I went through life with my mind shut and my vision narrowed, telling myself luck was the only significant factor in my life. I felt that my fate was sealed from day one, that I could do nothing to remedy any negative experiences I encountered. I was once a shallow person, blaming all my problems on abstract things. For years I dubiously dragged on through life, giving little to no effort towards anything. It was only recently that I opened my eyes, broadened my thoughts, and realized the only true antagonist in my life is my mind.
I had no part in developing the things that I've gone through, and therefore it seemed I was simply a primary recipient of bad luck. The divorce and continuous fighting between my parents, my living with a drug addict, my mother being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, the murder of my algebra II teacher; I accepted all of it. I only hoped that one day my luck would turn for the better. That day never came. Instead, towards the end of my junior year, a good friend indirectly assisted me in realizing the path I was heading down. I panicked, in a sense, and quickly took action. I identified what I wanted to do in life and how I needed to get there. I left that path behind and began trekking along a new one. I had no doubts about engineering, so I stopped moping about my "luck" and began working. The results were almost immediate. I was amazed at the ease with which good grades came, surprised at what I had unknowingly learned over the years. All I needed to do was put forth the effort; I had already absorbed the knowledge to complete the material given to me. Although the fourth quarter was already half over when I obtained my new attitude, I was ecstatic when I received my final report card which showed nearly a point and a half of improvement.
The mind is incredible. While I was careless, I was always learning. I discovered the reality that nothing comes without work. With that discovery, I learned the true power of my mind. I learned that I was capable of anything, that I could reach any goal. I cannot remedy my past, nor do I want to. It has been an invaluable learning experience for me, and without it, I would not have the mentality and success that I have today and in the future. I hope to transfer what I have learned to my future children and class mates alike. I am pushing forward, inching my way towards my goals.
forgive me, but here's an even more updated version
Shallow people believe in luck. Strong people believe in cause and effect. My mind has been obscured routinely for the better part of the last two decades. I went through life with my mind shut and my vision narrowed, telling myself luck was the only significant factor in my life. I felt that my fate was sealed from day one, that I could do nothing to remedy any negative experiences I encountered. I was once a shallow person, blaming all my problems on abstract things. For years I sullenly dragged on through life, giving little to no effort towards anything.
I had no part in enacting the things that I've gone through. It all seemed to be bad luck. The divorce and continuous fighting between my parents, my living with a drug addict, my mother being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, the murder of my algebra II teacher; I accepted all of it, believing that I could do nothing to better my attitude or my situation. I felt irrecoverable, but silently hoped that one day my luck would turn for the better. That day never came. Instead, towards the end of my junior year, a good friend indirectly assisted me in realizing the path I was heading down by dismissing school. I was creating a monstrous image of myself, putting my future at risk. I panicked, in a sense, and quickly took action. I identified what I wanted to do in life and how I needed to get there. I left that path behind and began a new one. I stopped moping about my "luck" and began working. The results were almost immediate. I was amazed at the ease with which good grades came, surprised at what I had unknowingly learned over the years. All I needed to do was put forth the effort; I had already absorbed the knowledge needed to excel. Although the fourth quarter was nearly over when I obtained my new attitude, I was ecstatic when I received my final report card which showed nearly a point and a half of improvement.
The mind is incredible. While I was careless, I was always learning. I discovered the reality that nothing comes without work. With that discovery, I learned the true power of my mind. I learned that I was capable of anything, that I could reach any goal. I cannot remedy my past, nor do I want to. It was not enjoyable, but it has been an invaluable learning experience for me and without it I would not have the mentality and drive that I have today. I hope to transfer what I have learned to my future children and class mates alike. I am pushing forward, inching my way towards my goals.
While my experiences ruined my grades and almost ruined me, it has now transformed me. Grades are important, but mine will never truly represent the type of student or person I am. With my new work ethic and desire to learn, I know I will reach my goals. I will approach all new problems that surface in my life with a newly refined weapon capable of pulling me through anything: my mind.
