I'm new so please forgive any errors I make (or already have made) in ignorance. Not sure if this is even the right place for this but didn't see anywhere else that looked more applicable.
Prompt:
"Your personal statement should explain your interest in Bioengineering, your motivation to join our program, and your goals for the future. Please include a paragraph explaining how the research in the department matches your interests. If you have work or volunteer experience related to the field (for example research or internship experience), please tell us about it. If you have applied previously to the department, please discuss what has changed or improved since your last application.
Essay:
While the last year of high school is often reputed to be a time of carefree relaxation; those who have experienced it know this to be untrue. It was during this hectic time when, in the midst of applying to colleges, studying for AP exams and completing my senior project, I was diagnosed with Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome, a congenital heart defect which can cause tachycardia and, rarely, sudden cardiac death. Fortunately, WPW Syndrome is one of the few causes of sudden death which can be cured and recent advances in medical technology have transformed the treatment from risky open heart surgery to minimally invasive catheter ablation. Catheters had recently introduced newer catheters utilizing cryo energy as opposed to more traditional RF energy in the US and were used in my surgery. Had these cryo catheters not been available and RF catheters used instead, the accessory electrical pathway's proximity to my heart's AV node would most likely have left me with a permanent pacemaker at the age of eighteen
Though discovering that I had a heart defect requiring surgery added tremendously to the stress of an already challenging senior year I also benefitted from my experience. I enjoy the challenges of math and science in general and biology and physics in particular and have known from an early age that I would like to combine these interests in a career. My experience with WPW Syndrome impressed upon me the critical nature of medical advancement and provided a vision of how I could employ my passion for biology and physics. Pursuing a career in medical research would satisfy two of my primary career goals; working in a field which combines the two areas or science I enjoy and working to provide advanced medical solutions so that others can benefit as I have. I am considering two paths to achieve these long-term goals, the first being to apply for admission to medical school post-bachelors, and the second to continue with my studies through a PhD program. I am applying for admission to the Bioengineering Department because I believe the strong course of study the college offers will assist me in the development of the tools and knowledge necessary to achieve my goals.
My respect for the College grows as I investigate the research being done in the Bioengineering department, all of which is extremely exciting to me. I am especially drawn to the research being performed by Dr. Crum on the uses of ultrasound in a wide variety of medical capacities. Applications such as Acoustic Hemostasis, Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lithotripsy, and Ultrasound-Enhanced Drug Delivery are all scientifically fascinating and strongly remind me of the technologies that allowed my WPW syndrome to be treated safely, effectively, and as noninvasively as possible. Medical advancements such as these benefit people who would otherwise require invasive procedures or, worse yet, have no options for treatment at all. Being afforded the opportunity to participate in research projects ongoing in the department would be of great pleasure to me. I believe I not only would gain valuable experience and insight, but also make a positive contribution to the advancement of research being performed.
Hi Tom
The positioning of the sentence, "I enjoyed the challenges of math and science in general and biology and physics in particular and have known from an early age that I would like to combine these interests in a career", is questionable. It seems to break the flow of the essay.
I would put it just before the line, "Pursuing a career in medical research...".
...working to provide advanced medical solutions ... why don't you name a profession or two? It will be more specific and it will also justify the line, "Research in areas such as this, as well as others being explored within the department, also coincides perfectly with my personal goals for the future"
Hope I was of some help! :)
Thank you for your response. I definitely see what you mean about flow in mentioning my interest in biology and physics, but not sure if moving it down would help as the next two sentences would make little sense without it. As to naming a profession I believe I did this when I talk about pursuing a career as a medical researcher (although no mention of a specialty is made) thus making providing advanced medical solutions a goal which matches with said career.
Here is an updated version of the essay (apparently I can only edit each post once). I have not had a chance to look at the changes you have suggested yet but understand what you mean and will take a look.
but not sure if moving it down would help as the next two sentences would make little sense without it
I am sorry about that. I somehow missed the last part of the sentence,
"...provided a vision of how I could employ my passion for biology and physics"I am thinking about applying for a similar course, though, at grad level. Why don't you take a look? It may give you an idea or two?
Your essay looks very good, I feel it does a better job of explaining how your experience aroused your interest than mine which seems almost to say "Bioengineering helped me, so it's important."
As a side note I'm not entirely clear from reading your essay how you went from Chemical engineering as an undergraduate to Biomedical as a graduate. I'm not entirely familiar with how being a graduate student works though so perhaps I missed something.
Hey Tom, what do you think about this:
Scrap the line, "I enjoy the challenges of math and science in general and biology and physics... and rephrase the line, "My experience with WPW Syndrome impressed upon me the critical nature of medical advancement and provided a vision of how I could employ my long standing interests of biology and physics.
I am not sure if my grammar is correct, but do you get my point?
Separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma:
Fortunately, WPW Syndrome is one of the few causes of sudden death which can be cured, and recent advances in medical ...
Put a period at the end of this sentence:
...my heart's AV node would most likely have left me with a permanent pacemaker at the age of eighteen.
Okay, I think you should add a thesis statement after this sentence:
tachycardia and, rarely, sudden cardiac death. (add thesis statement that expresses the main message of the essay).
Paragraph 2:
Though discovering that I had a heart defect requiring surgery added tremendously to the stress of an already challenging senior year I also benefitted benefited from my experience. I enjoy the challenges of math and science...
College is not a proper noun here:
My respect for the College college grows as I investigate ...
It's understandable that you would feel passionate about this subject! Congratulations, I think this will impress them...
You might want to refer to some recent articles to show that you are continuing to read about the latest advancements, as I am sure you are due to your genuine desire to become an expert in this field.
