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Personal statement to apply to universities in the UK (just the introduction and the conclusion)

thuychitran 1 / -  
Apr 23, 2020   #1

I was inspired to dream big

"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not". This saying of George Bernard Shaw unexpected sprang in my mind after closing the book ''Shoe dog'' which is the autobiography of Phil Knight - the co-founder of Nike whose logo ''Swoosh'' has become an icon for youngsters. I was inspired to dream big by Phil Knight's recall of his path to success after a long decade; however, this path was not full of roses but contained countless failure to an extent that sometimes he thought that he had had a bankruptcy. His story was such an expensive, yet invaluable lesson for me about the importance of having a solid foundation in global economy, financial management and taking calculated risks in achieving sustainable business.

Aspired to give back to the community, I was a part of an English teaching program for children in a mountainous region in Vietnam and a wall-painting project at a public primary school in Cebu, Philippines while having a one-month summer camp here. Throughout these volunteers, my sympathize told me that study Economics & Finance could be a solid foundation for me to do the poor a favor by invite more injections from the government in education for religious children who may become a high-qualified labor force to contribute to the economic growth in the future.

After pursuing the Bachelor of Economics and Finance, my long-range career goal is to specialising in investment and risk management. All of my efforts, both in and outside of university, are intended to make a positive impact on my community and to better equip myself for an ever-changing society with the skills and experiences essential for undertaking future initiatives successfully.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,107 3258  
Apr 24, 2020   #2
It would have been alright for you to post just the beginning and end of your personal statement if you had remembered to include the prompt in your posting. I need the prompt to be able to decipher whether or not your introduction and conclusion are on the right track or, if you are way off based in your presentation. All I can do now is provide you with a general review, based on the general expectations of a personal statement.

Although some people will advise you to use quotes or references from other people to create a "hook" for your opening statement, the reality is that reviewers dislike reading such cop-outs from students. The reason being that if you have to rely on the words of other people to create an interest in your application, then you do not have an ardent desire to enroll in the course. If you had a true desire or interest in the course, you would not need other people to speak for you. If I were your academic adviser, I would ask you to think long and hard about your introduction because that is the part where you should be showing your emotional, academic, and career based interest in your potential course. You should be able to relay that interest in your own words, that is why the reviewer is looking for.

I cannot review the concluding part without the complete body of the essay and the prompt requirements (if any). The conclusion is supposed to tie the whole narrative together. This isn't a complete narrative, this is only a useless series of texts that a reviewer cannot use to help you improve your content. If you are not comfortable posting your complete essay in public due to plagiarism concerns, you may avail instead of our private review services. That way, I can give you a more useful review of your work and offer proper corrections for the content and presentation.

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