My Statement of Purpose for UT Austin for Petroluem Engineering Program

Here is my Statement. I not sure if this is the type of essay the admission officers are looking for. I need help from someone to look at it. Any comment and advise is welcome. I think i wrote too much, but i don't know what to cancel... PLEASE HELP... Thank u in advance.

"Statement of Purpose

Also i can't make the essay any longer because of the requirment. It's already too long they way it is right now,and if i need to add something, i need to delete something, and i don't know what.

As of the way the essay is right now, what do you think is unnecessary. I don't want to give the admission office too much to read.

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Here is the final copy as for right now. Look at the last 2 sentences of the conclusion, what do you think?

Until the age of twenty-three, I wanted to be an Electrical Engineer, just like my paternal grandfather. Although I have never met him, hearing stories about him, his accomplishments and the fact that he is the first engineer in the family, made me feel like I've known him all my life. I wanted to be like him, someone who achieved his goals despite the hardship. When I was schooling in Nigeria and then moved to Italy at age of twelve, I never lost sight of my goal. By all means, I was determined in becoming an electrical engineer myself.

When it was time to pick a field of study for college in Italy, I choose electrical engineering. I enjoyed studying, and really loved working in the field. Through internship and work, I had the opportunity to closely work with experienced engineers in the development of lighting, wiring systems, building motors, and many more. Applying what I learned in school in the work field was very satisfying. It made me feel smart and capable to do the work, and that just gave me more motivation to pursue a higher education.

Even though I've always thought I wanted to be an electrical engineer, I had a change of heart when I fell in love at first sight with petroleum engineering. This happened in spring of 2007 when I went to Nigeria for vacation. I visited an oil and gas drilling company with my uncle and I was blown away by the drilling of oil. I felt like a newborn discovering his hand and feet for the first time. I was attracted by the way such an important natural resource was obtained. Immediately I wished I could participate in the drilling to see more and learn more instead of just staying back and watching what was going on. It was a very exciting experience, and right on the spot where I stood, I could imagine myself on that field. The guy who did all the research and telling others what and how to do the job. Without hesitation my new goal and dream changed in becoming a petroleum engineer.

Before graduating college in Italy I knew I was not going to continue my education in that country. I knew that obtaining a degree there will not be valued as it should in other countries because of the language, and that if I stayed in Italy I will not obtain the level of job I deserved. After graduating from college, with a lot of hopes and prayers, I applied for a student visa for the United States, and it was granted.

When I arrived in the United States things were not as I expected. I discovered that my college diploma from Italy had no value, and that I needed to re-obtain an associate degree in order to obtain a bachelor degree. I was really upset by the news, but I had no other option than to do what I was told. At the end, however, I realized that re-obtaining the associate degree was not such a bad idea because it gave me the chance to get used to the American educational system, and be prepared for University. Getting integrated into the new educational system was not easy. The only classes in which I excelled were the general education and the math classes, but struggled with the physics and chemistry classes because I was taking them for the first time without a base education. When I finally graduated, even though my overall GPA is not up to my satisfaction, I was very proud of myself, and I was ready to move on to the next chapter of my life.

The new chapter begins with the intention to be admitted into the Petroleum Engineering program at University of Texas in Austin. I know that obtaining a degree in this field will lead me in making a real difference through innovation, and to bring improvement to the way drilling and the processing of oil and gas are conducted in Nigeria. I understand that in order for someone to succeed in whatever they set their minds on, one needs determination, motivation, and the best education. I currently possess the first two, but lack of the third and most important one. This is the reason why I am applying to University of Texas in Austin. I believe you have the tools necessary to help me achieve my goals. With your help and my willpower, I know I can and will succeed. By all means, I am ready and more determined than ever to realize my dream no matter what it takes.

First of all, there are some grammatical errors you will want to work out. There are some missing commas and wrong tenses that could be easily corrected with some proofreading.

You seem to have 3 major topics that you discus in your essay: your grandfather, your studies in Italy and your arrival in the US, and your desire to use your education as a petroleum engineer to help your native country of Nigeria. First of all, the transitions from one section to another are abrupt-you switch from one topic to the other without any sort of warning. I think the section on Italy and the process of re-obtaining your associates degree is something that definitely should be included so that the admissions department understands your situation; however, you might be able to tighten it up. On the other hand, the introductory parts about your grandfather don't seem as crucial to me. This story is a great one, and i think it could be used well in other types of admissions essays, but after reading the question it feels a little out of place in this one. Furthermore, I was a little confused when you stated that you want to be an Electrical Engineer like him, but then went on at the end to say that you're applying to be a Petroleum Engineer. The last statements, though, about your reasons for pursuing petroleum engineering and Nigeria, are very strong. I think you should move that statement up to to the beginning of the essay-it came as a surprise to learn what your intended field was as well as your native country. You could expand upon this section a little more, and i think it would make a strong introduction. It would also make it easier for you to naturally transition to your discussion of your Italian education-it's a natural flow to first talk about Nigeria, then your move to Italy, and then the one to the US.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

You write very well! I am impressed...

It made me feel smart and capable to do the work. (after this sentence, I think you should give a few sentences about a specific goal you want to accomplish through your work. Give the reader a glimpse of the future.

Keep the verb tense the same:
When I arrived in the United States I discovered that my college diploma from Italy has had no value.

I was told that in order to obtain a bachelor degree I first have had to obtain a qualified associate degree.

I think you give too many details about the story. Keep the interesting details, but omit the unimportant ones. Make more room to express to the reader your short term goals and plans. Show the reader what you will accomplish if you are accepted into the program.

:-)

Thanks guys for ur comments. I'm going to work on it tomorrow and post the updated version. Thanks again!!!

Here is the updated version of my Statement. Thanks guys for your help.
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Until the age of twenty-three, I wanted to be an Electrical Engineer, just like my paternal grandfather. Although I have never met, hearing stories about him, his accomplishments and the fact that he is the first engineer in the family, made me feel like I've known him all my life. I wanted to be just like him, someone who achieved his goals despite the hardship. When I was schooling in Nigeria and then moved to Italy at age of twelve, I never lost sight of my goal. By all ...

SEE BELOW

By all means, I was determined to become an electrical engineer myself.

I enjoyed studying electrical engineering, and I really loved working in the field. Through internship and work, I had the opportunity to closely work with well experienced engineers in the

It made me feel smart and capable to do the work, and that just gave me more motivation in wanting to pursue a higher education. ----This is good, but I think the end of this first paragraph should tell the reader something about your plan. :-) What is your action plan?!!

I felt like a newborn discovery discovering his hands and feet for the first time. It was a very exciting experience, and right on the spot I could imagine myself on that field. ----Give a sentence that tells the reason why you are so interested in this field. What makes it special?

... and more determinate determined than ever to realize my dream no matter how hard things will be.

:-)

Thanks Kevin. I really appreciate your help and advice.

I am not going to post the entire essay again, but just the parts I updated.

It made me feel smart and capable to do the work, and that just gave me more motivation in wanting to pursue a higher education. ----This is good, but I think the end of this first paragraph should tell the reader something about your plan. :-) What is your action plan?!!

You said I should say something about my plan at the end of the Paragraph, but the paragraphs that follows are already talking about my plan. Is that the same or u mean something else. Please let me know.

Here are the Paragraphs I modified. I colored the new sentences.

3rd Paragraph:
Even though I've always thought I knew what I wanted to become, I had a change of heart when I fell in love at first sight with petroleum engineering. This happened in spring of 2007 when I went to Nigeria for vacation. I visited an oil and gas drilling company with my uncle and I was blown away by the drilling of oil. I felt like a newborn discovering his hand and feet for the first time. I was attracted by the way such an important natural resource was obtained. Immediately I wished I could participate in the drilling to see more and learn more, instead of just staying back and watch what was going on. It was a very exciting experience, and right on the spot where I stood, I could imagine myself on that field . The guy who did all the research and telling others what and how to do the job. Without hesitation my new goal and dream changed in becoming a Petroleum Engineer. I am convinced that obtaining a degree in this field will lead me in making a real difference through innovation, and bring improvement to the way drilling and the processing of oil and gas are conducted in Nigeria. I am ready and more determinate than ever to realize my dream no matter how hard things will be.

Last Paragraph:
The new chapter begins with the intention to be admitted into the Petroleum Engineering program at University of Texas in Austin. I know that in order for someone to succeed in whatever they set their minds on, one needs determination, motivation, and the best education. I currently possess the first two, but lack of the third and most important one. This is the reason why I am applying to University of Texas in Austin. I believe you have the tools necessary to help me achieve my goals. My purpose is attending the University of Texas in Austin to obtain a solid educational foundation that will give me the knowledge and experience required to become a successful petroleum engineer.

Thank you everyone for your help.

Great question! Thanks, this part is so hard to explain. The thing is, it is like a dart board with concentric circles and a "bull's eye" in the middle. The bull's eye is that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. It expresses YOUR truth, your unique concept, in a brief sentence or two that the reader can really understand and remember.

Then, the rest of the essay is like a celebration or exposition of this truth.

Does that make sense? Try to sum up your message at the end of that first paragraph so that the reader 1.) says, "Ah, I understand this kid," and 2.) is interested.

Immediately I wished I could participate in the drilling to see more and learn more instead of just staying back and watching what was going on.


This sentence does not say anything. It does not accomplish anything. The reader already knows you are interested in an educational foundation; focus on a concept, something that is unique about your vision. It's got to be that memorable concept from the end of the first paragraph. Carry that concept all the way through to the end. It will be your THEME. :-)

I had to move that other essay to its own thread.


That's not the goal. That's the means of achieving the goal. You go through the program because of something you want to accomplish. If you aim beyond the academic program, you can discuss the program as a component of your meaningful plan.


This sentence can say something more meaningful than just "become an electrical engineer." You can say something about your grandfather or about his ideal which was passed on to you. Be honest, and really share that unique perspective that is all your own. That is how to win the reader over. :-)


This is way too obvious and redundant. It is a wasted sentence. You can combine it with another sentence in order to give the info that you entered an elect. engineering prgm in Italy, but... like you said, do not give the reader more words to read than necessary.

Anyway, to be honest, this essay already has great energy and enthusiasm -- and feels authentic. I think it is effective!

Thanks for all your help Kevin. I made all the changes you suggested. I am not posting the final draft cause i don't want to bother you again. You have done alot already. However, if you would like i will gladly post the draft, just to take a look.

Again, thanks.

One last question; Do i need a title for this essay? i am submitting it to 3 different university, and I am not sure if I need to give it a title.

I have no idea what title to give it, so please If you a title in mind please share...
Thank you

But this part is the most fun!! You should write the title.

The title is the only part of the essay that is more important than the thesis statement. The title plants one big idea in the reader's mind. If you know your PURPOSE for writing something, you will know what title to give it.

Hint: Every reader responds well to an interesting title... something unexpected.