Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Rackets in their cases and shoes in their bag, I step out of the El Camino High School team bus, set foot on the cold, hard asphalt, and walk straight ahead to the gym, unknowingly about to face the biggest challenge of my badminton career.
I lace up my well worn Yonex shoes and stretch out my muscles. I grip the red and white handle of my racket - which morphs into an extension of my arm - and step on the battlefield, commonly known as a badminton court. The match begins and I quickly win the first point with a steep smash to the right sideline. Filled with exhilaration and playing with a chip on my shoulder, I execute a few more powerful smashes and deftly-performed drop shots, eventually winning the first match fifteen to six.
Confident is a fairly accurate adjective to describe my mentality after that game, perhaps a little too confident. I lose the first point of the second game in a rather embarrassing manner as my opponent performs a deceptive drop, causing me to dive for the shuttlecock. I completely miss, and in reality, this dictates the way in which the rest of the second game is carried out. As my opponent sucks the confidence out of me and uses it in the same manner as I had in the first game, I find myself struggling to gain control. I lose the second game eight to fifteen.
I am dead tired upon the arrival of the third and final game, as I have never before played three sets in a match. I get off to a slow start and play poorly, finding myself down eight to thirteen.
Needing to win at least six more points to even give myself a chance, my mind tells me that my record will have its first blemish. However, my heart tells me to push forward and try to win the match. My time finally arrives, to test my willpower when adversity rears its ugly, yet beautiful face at me. I clear my mind and cut out any thoughts about losing the match or making mistakes, and I simply play the game that I love and have fun while I am at it. I keep my poise and win point after point, and eventually, I win seven straight to tie him up thirteen to thirteen. He wins the next point and is on the verge of winning, but I fight back and we find ourselves toe to toe at fourteen to fourteen. By rule, the game is sent to seventeen points rather than fifteen. Both of us are hungry to win and add a point to our respective records. I win two straight long rallies and am the brink of winning. I serve and he clears it all the way back. I smash it right at him and he returns it right into the net. The game belongs to me seventeen to fourteen.
I have just won the most eye-opening match of my life. I never expected to struggle, let alone be down by seven points. I discover that I am capable of achieving whatever it is I want to achieve as long as I put my heart and soul into it. My chances of winning that match were nearly nonexistent. A normal person may have flat out given up, but I for one am not normal. Throw me the basketball with one second left on the game clock in game 7 of the NBA Finals, and I will put the ball in the hoop. Pass me the puck in the waning moments of the Stanley Cup Final and I will score the winning goal. The bottom line is I perform under pressure, in crunch time when it counts.
This is close to my final draft. Please give me some feedback thanks!
Very descriptive! I like the overall tone of the essay. Good job so far!
Thanks! Anything I should improve? My brother says that my introduction is sort of generic. Does anyone agree with that, and if so how should I change it? Any constructive criticism is welcomed!
Your essay is really engaging, filled with movement! I like how you personified adversity as someone who can make you stronger: "...to test my willpower when adversity rears its ugly, yet beautiful face at me".
I grip the red and white handle of my racket - which morphs into an extension of my arm - and step onto the battlefield, commonly known as a badminton court.
nice analogy here
Rackets in my case and shoes in my bag, I step out of the El Camino High School team bus, set foot on the cold, hard asphalt, and walk straight ahead to the gym, unknowingly about to face the biggest challenge of my badminton career.
very nice. i Like your style or writing ! the detail you weave into your narrative is really very good.
but, it seem as though your story overpowers your own "realization" and you as an individual. I would consider shortening parts of the story and adding a bit more about you. After all, the reader wants to read about YOU, not the story your in.
Nice catch on those two mistakes sbdaiquiri. And nannna I kind of agree with you now that I look over my essay again. Also, I know I have a problem of inserting too many commas sometimes, so if anyone catches any unneeded commas please tell me. Thanks.
Oh and if possible can people help me with prompt 1 of my personal statement as well. I am have great trouble engaging my audience. It is unfinished. Here it is.
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Sitting at my desk on a typical Monday night, the notification of an incoming Skype call from my grandmother in Malaysia appeared on the computer screen. Delighted upon the assumption that she made another Malaysian delicacy to showcase to me, I answered the call, eager to see her new creation. However, in front of her lay no special pan fried noodles or delectable mooncakes; only tears streaming down her face. She chokingly attempted to explain the horrible news. She made clear that through X-rays, the doctors have confirmed that they found a polyp in my grandfather's rectum, further explaining that the polyp is cancerous. Both sides of the line devastated, we said goodbye to each other, left to ponder at what the future held for my grandfather.
Never having any family member diagnosed with cancer ever before, I felt completely helpless. I lived thousands of miles away and could do absolutely nothing to help my grandfather besides console him, which was not doing much at all. So I came to a final decision that if I could not help my grandfather, that I would dedicate my life to finding possible cures for colon as well as other types of cancer.
pretty good
i think you got wordy and had some run on sentences
try to make it more concise
also i dont like to ending im not sure whether its serious or comedic or whatever just feels weird to me, but I love the badminton describtion love the sport. Try to put your on personal touches on it rather than it being just a comeback story that can seem generic. Overall, its a good start
hope I helped!!!
