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UK Personal Statement - Business Management; a degree from Britain will assist me in future career

choco2503 3 / 3 1  
Jan 14, 2018   #1

Business caught my attention

"If you are born poor it's not your mistake, but if you die poor it's your mistake" -- Bill Gates

My father faced hardships during his childhood because of the loss of my grandfather, his father. He had to worked tremendously hard and joined a business company at the age of 16 to support him and his family even though he didn't receive a salary at that point of time. He had to go through many downfalls until he became successful. A a child, I remember passionately examining the way my father would run his business. His journey from nothing to a successful entrepreneur is what I am adamant on emulating. Although, I do not intend on starting my own business, my passion is to pursue my career in business management and be more successful my father.

Business is the only subject that caught my attention as it got me thinking about its pertinence outside school. Through the exposition to the world of business at an early age, I have learnt through my dad that business does not utterly mean money. It's more than that. It's all about trust, failure, success, management, challenge, and risk. As a world that is runned by business, business managers are really vital for this industry. Imagine the business managers to be the pilot for an airplane. Without the pilot, the airplane would not be able to drive by itself. Likewise, a manager is the pilot for the business industry.

The significance of business manager is crucial for successful companies as managers as their actions can influence the organisation that runs in the business. A business manager's' role is to lead a team of employees and guide their work efforts towards efficient and profitable business solutions. The significance of business management is crucial for business successes.

Due to my desire to study Business Management, I opted to study subjects such as AP Macroeconomics, AP Statistics, and Pre-AP Physics through which I obtained an excellent base in the core principles. The knowledge I obtained through all these subjects has guaranteed that I am prepared to study the intricate aspect of business.

Alongside my academic interest, I also obtain a valuable work experience at NewDays, a convenient store. As an employer, my job is to arrange products on the racks, look after the customer's needs when at the register, and clean to make the customers feel comfortable. From my work experience I have learnt the importance of organisation and communication because NewDays emphasizes on the significance of communication, advertising, and organisation which is significant for Business management skills.

In addition to academics and work, I have taken part in numerous extracurricular activities as well. I have been a huge part of Debate. Debate has not only helped me become a better writer and public speaker but has also bolstered my confidence. I have been able to improve my communication skills that are necessary to provide effective management through debate. Simply put, I love debate. I cherish every moment because of my team's passion towards deploying rational and reasonable arguments. Whether we lose or win, debate is an empowering part of my life, and I would not be the person I am today without it. Last year, I also undertook a role as an English assistant, of helping Japanese students enhance their English skills. This opportunity helped with my organisation skills as well.

I have also participated in musical activities within school such as orchestra, and am currently playing percussion in the school orchestra. Taking part in orchestra has taught me to work as a team, and the importance of discipline. Last year I played the piano in the Instrumental Solo and Ensemble Festival, a festival where students could be critiqued on how well they performed, and received a score of five out of five. This experience boosted my confidence to perform in the public.

It has been my dream to complete my undergraduate degree in a British university because a degree from Britain will assist me in future career. I look forward to meeting different people with different cultures, and hope to continue these activities alongside my degree. I believe that I have the skills to not only study Business management, but also to be successful in this subject.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,562 4442  
Jan 14, 2018   #2
Jaanvi, please review your essay for accuracy. If your father worked at the age of 16 in order to support his family, then you cannot say that he worked without being paid at that time. It does not make sense to say he is supporting his family but not getting paid to work. Instead of saying "As a child", which reviewers are not very receptive to, you should instead state "My father's life was my inspiration for..." Never mention an age in the personal statement so that inaccuracies in references can be avoided. That means "at an early age" should also be avoided. Rephrase all sections that make a reference to an early age or anything similar.

Do not define what a business manager's task is. That is something that sounds condescending to the reviewer and should avoided at all times. Do not make boastful declarations about your preparations for the course. That is, unless you performed as an exemplary student in those classes and you finished the courses with honors or recognitions. If you were just an ordinary student, then do not make assumptions. Only your academic accomplishments as an honor student is important in this instance and should be highlighted to the reviewer in your personal statement.

The same goes for your employment, you must highlight opportunities you took to lead the company in relation to your desire to become a business manager. By the way, you are an employee, not an employer. An employer is the person who employed you. You are the employee because you work for the employer. Your job description indicates that you are a rank and file employee. That means, you are not in a leadership position and yet you make claims in relation to business management. I strongly advise that you change the reference to your job description at the moment. It has to indicate that you have a leadership position at the convenience store because without it, making claims about learning about organizational and management concepts and skills becomes an exaggeration that the reviewer will not appreciate.

Focus the personal statement only on the development of your business management skills. At this point, your extra curricular activities are irrelevant. You will have an opportunity to discuss those with the other available prompts for your application. In this essay, after you develop your interest in management, discuss why you chose a specific university in Britain and not just the reason you chose the country. You are submitting this to a university so you need to explain the criteria by which you chose the university. Think in terms of your personal academic goals and objectives and how the university can help you achieve those ideas.

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