Please critique and comment.
B) Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
On the last day of school five years ago, a drastic change occurred in my life. That afternoon, with my backpack full of toys strap behind my back and a suitcase full of clothes held tightly in one of my hands, my family departed on a plane to start a new life together. That day, not only did we leave behind our home and valuables, we left behind our love for the man who is my father. Ever since that day, a "new world" opened up for me and I've grown to become a more determined, confident, and giving person.
For the first thirteen years of my life, there was not a moment in which my father was not a part of my memory. Physically, he was present, but emotionally, he was almost as distant as a stranger. As I attempt to remember the type of man my father was, I could only describe him as a fool. He was a man who liked to talk about dreams, but never had the determination or the ability to even attempt to make it come true. He was an inconsiderate, selfish man who sought the easy way out and in the process he would greatly hurt his family. Through the eyes of his family, especially through my eyes, there exists more fear than there is love. Fortunately, when my father decided to turn to drugs, my mother decided to leave him.
To start life afresh in a new environment and witnessing my mother's plight and her determination to provide for her family, I developed a new outlook towards life and have pushed myself to interact with this "new world" that I began to see. I've became more determined than ever to succeed, not just in school, but in other aspects of my life. When my mother was left without a husband and three children to raise, strangers lent their hands to support her in her time of need. The kindness that was shown to my mother and the importance of community spirit was in turn taught to me and reinforced my awareness of the need to use my abilities to the betterment of others.
By becoming actively involved in school and community activities, my self-confidence and quest for knowledge has grown exponentially. I now possess the fortitude and knowledge to have my voice heard and in doing so I have become a leader in my community and in school clubs. During high school, I chaired the Hands Up Club (Sign Language Club) and was a member of Japanese Club. My involvement with these clubs provided me with the opportunity to apply my knowledge to help others and share with them the many cultures that defines me. At other times, I would volunteer at a local food bank and help those in need. I have accepted the fact that I am an independent and determined leader who will no longer be the little girl who hid from the world.
Looking back at the struggles that I along with my family had to face, I realize that this incident served as a catalyst in my development as a strong and confident person I am today. Since that day, my goal in life has changed. My goal is not to be rich or famous, but to possess the capability to support and protect my family through any hardships that may be bombarded at them. I want to have the ability to relieve or shield my family from any financial or worrisome situation that they had to face before. Thus, as I am taking a step closer towards attaining my goal, my path towards achieving an excellent education will start at the University of .
Thanks
That afternoon, with my backpack full of toys strap strapped
That day, not only did we leave behind our home and valuables, we left behind our love for the man who is my father.
-Remember: not only...but also
Physically, he was present, but emotionally, he was almost a stranger.
As I attempt attempted to remember the type of man my father was,
in the process he wouldgreatly hurt his family.
Through the eyes of his family, especially through my eyes,- since this is an essay about you, focus on your perspective, which is also going to be the perspective of your family as a whole
Fortunately, when my father decided to turn to drugs, my mother decided to leave him.-Maybe a bit harsh with the 'Fortunately'
The essay has a lot of grammatical errors, so, look it over and try to keep it in one consistent tense. In terms of content, show the reader more about how you felt inside and walk them through the process of your significantly altered view of life. Make it a story! Best of luck!!
That afternoon, with my backpack full of toys strapped to my back and a suitcase full of clothes held tightly in one of my hands, my family departed on a plane to start a new life together.
He was a man who liked to talk about dreams, but never had the determination or the ability to even attempt to make them come true.
Starting life afresh in a new environment and witnessing my mother's plight, I was inspired by her determination to provide for her family. I developed a new outlook towards life and have pushed myself to interact with this "new world" that I began to see. I've become more determined than ever to succeed, not just in school, but also in other aspects of my life. ...
After becoming actively involved in school and community activities, my self-confidence and quest for knowledge has grown exponentially. I now possess the fortitude and knowledge to have my voice heard and in doing so I have become a leader in my community and in school clubs. During high school, I chaired the Hands Up Club (Sign Language Club) and was a member of Japanese Club. My involvement with these clubs provided me with the opportunity to apply my knowledge to help others and share with them the many cultures that defines me. At other times, I would volunteer at a local food bank and help those in need. I have accepted the fact that I am an independent and determined leader who will no longer be the little girl who hid from the world.
Looking back at the struggles my family and I had to face, I realize that this incident served as a catalyst in my development as a strong and confident person I am today. Since that day, my goal in life has changed.
:)
Good luck!!!
Thank you for all of your inputs! They were all really helpful.
