can someone please read my personal statement and tell me how to improve it?
please and thank you! ^^ I'd greatly appreciate it! XP
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
Here's my essay:
Behaviorists believe that environment is all important, the environment that we grow up in defines who we are. If we grow up in a bad environment, it will make us to be awful people. If we grow up in a good environment, we will grow up to be respectable people. Not only does the environment shape who we are but our family does as well.
My family consisted of five people: my mom, my dad, my sister, my uncle and myself. Since my other relatives lived in far away countries, it was just the five of us most of the time. As a result, those 4 other people had a great impact on my dreams, my goals and my personality.
My mother probably had the greatest impact on me. She was born in the year of the dragon, and it suited her. My mother was strong and passionate and would do anything for the people she cared about. She didn't care about what other people thought her. And she sacrificed herself and her happiness to make me and my sister happy. We didn't really have a lot of money growing up so when my mom bought us something really expensive, I knew that she was sacrificing money that she could have used for herself but spend it on us in order to make us happy. These sort of selfless actions inspired me to get good grades so I could get a high paying job and buy my parents the dream house they always wanted. She also made me want to stick up for myself and be more assertive so that no one could make me feel inferior and I could be as strong and as fearless as her.
My younger sister probably had the second greatest impact on me. My sister was always smart. She was so smart that she ended up taking AP Calculus as a math class and was in the top 10 percent in our high school. She was also my best friend of all time. My friends are all very different from me and never really had the same interests as me. My sister was into all the same things that I was into and shared the same dreams I had: to become a counseling psychologist and a writer. The fact that my sister wanted to have the same career path as me pushed me into working very hard in high school so I could finally beat her in something and become a counseling psychologist first.
My father impacted me in small ways. My dad was born in the year of the tiger but I always thought that he should have been born in the year of the lion if there was such a year. My dad was lazy sometimes and liked to sleep a lot just like a lion. My dad was never really the head of the family and was almost never around due to work. He always complained about how much he hated his job. His constant complaints made me want to pursue a career path that I liked.
My family shaped my goals so that I wanted could get into a good college, pursue a career path I liked and make a lot of money so I can help out my parents. My family shaped who I am as a person. They shaped me to be a kind, caring, compassionate individual who doesn't care about what other people think and will do anything for those I care about.
I think you've written a great essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:
She didn't care about what other people thought of her. She sacrificed herself
I knew that she was sacrificing money that she could have used for herself but spent it on us in order to make us happy. These sorts of selfless actions inspired me
She also made me want to stick up for myself and be more assertive so that no one could make me feel inferior and I could be as strong and as fearless as she was.