Hi all,
Here is the prompt: Describe the applicant's objective, aspiration, plans after graduation and particulars of their exta-curricular activities, including sports, and their level of community involvement.
This is my very first draft, so it's very crude, especially the grammar. Please dissect it and comment as harsh as you can. I really appreciate your help.
So there is an applicant applying for the prestigious university. You have read his application profile. You know he loves Physics. You know he is a scholar, a musician, a leader and an ardent community volunteer. His records might have sparked something about him, but you are unsure if he truly deserves the place.
Let me tell you a little bit more about him, something that his portfolio has yet to reveal about him.
His wondrous journey started four years ago when he received a scholarship to study in the lion nation named Singapore. Back then, he was youthful, eager and ambitious. There was nothing could stop him from embracing winds from across the globe. His world revolved around winds that brought him chronicle about the Great Wall, told him tales of the 1001 nights, and sang the songs about the legendary Samurai. In return, he shared with every wind how a red soil, once studded with bomb craters and stained with heroic blood, has nourished him into a proud young student. He got richer with every window of perspective and friendships brought to him each day. However, there was something remained unsolved, something that he could not comprehend, something came from his family the day he board the plane.
"Good luck, son. Study hard, get a passport and you shall enjoy a wonderful life there!"
Stranger still, he received blunt skepticisms from his family about his plan to bring back what he had learned after his graduation. He could not comprehend their reasoning. What "false hope"? Whose hope is false anyway?
His grandfather, a war veteran, slowly explained to him how he had grown up in a culture that likes to gloss over pain and war tragedy, mask it with confetti and obscures it with romanticism. He grew up in the belief that the image of shanty towns would fade into the mist of history and skyscrapers would immerse from the empty hands of war heroes. He was taught how the power of social progress would heal any wound as time goes by. It has been three decades since the end of the war and yet the stark reality is far less rosy than the exquisite pictures that he people had envisioned. Many children in his neighborhood remained illiterate. Parents gave in to the vicious cycle of alcohol abuse and domestic violence. For them, there will never be moon cake festival, new clothes, or a day in the lecture hall. He tried to ask his friends but never expected them to be so ignorant of that world, which happened to be just a few blocks away from their cozy homes. They were too busy embracing consumerism to become conscious of such disparity. He realized, for the first time, that there had been an artificial glamour deliberately made out of distorted statistic to cover the inequality between the well-off and the destitute. He wished he could cross the gap that people constantly deny its existence, tear down the ignorance and help to bring about the changes.
I am that applicant.
I am ever known as an idealist. Just like me, several generations had the privilege of getting an education from overseas. They never returned, just as their families never again expected them to. I could have been like them, I could have chosen a comfortable path that would grant me citizenship in another country, guarantees a smooth sail in my career and life. But who will rebuild the country then? Through years of volunteering in Scouting, I have shared time with children from the all walks of life. I have witnessed many children living off the roads without a shelter or education. My heart skipped a beat when a visually impaired student told me his dream was simply a cassette to record his lessons and play them back after classes. There were many times I heard the familiar echoes from a street vendor wandering aimlessly through the deserted boulevard, his voice intermittently disappeared into the veil of a shivering December rain. I decided to take it upon myself to care for the less fortunate children and protect the precious kindness still left in their worlds. I secretly wish that some simple games, songs and skits would put a grin on their face and instill a little more warmth in their hearts.
The greatest gift to give a third world country would be education. Not because it provides knowledge and opportunity to get away from poverty, but because it is much more than just a way to accomplish one's goal. Education gives children skills that they can use throughout their lives. It teaches them how to hope, how to play fair, how to strive and how to give back. When you give a child an education, give him not bits and pieces of college textbooks. Give him a dream to aspire to.
I am neither Mr. Obama who can navigate the country according to his vision nor someone who has the charisma to advocate for an education reform. I am simply someone who is fortunate to read these lines and had many opportunities to grow up while studying overseas. How can I help? Build an orphanage. Open a school that provides free education to the less fortunate children. Give out scholarships. Certainly it's not the best solution, but I hope it would open up a new path to someone and he would, in turn, start a new circle of life.
How much do you know about me now?
At first, thanks for reviewing my essay!...
Wow...you have a unique angle telling the story...but I think you can use "a boy" to be more natural instead of "an applicant".
Moreover, AO surely knows that you are the boy, so your introduction like "let me tell you bluh bluh bluh" can be reduced a bit.
At last, maybe the expression like {His wondrous journey started four years ago when he received a scholarship to study in the lion nation named Singapore. Back then, he was youthful, eager and ambitious.} is like telling the story of young Napolean or Roosevelt...I am just saying the tone...
I think this is a good piece, but how many words do you type...?...
