This is only about half done, but i would like criticism before i go on. Just incase i'm going down the wrong path for this essay. I also have yet to think of a title.
The personal statement is carefully considered in the admission selection process. This is the opportunity for you to tell us more about yourself and your goals or interest in a particular field of study, your readiness for college, preparedness for the major, as well as your activities and accomplishments. Explain any personal experience, responsibilities and/or challenges that have impacted you or your academic achievements and/or your choice of career. Please be as detailed as possible.
At a young age, my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. Jokingly, I asked back, "What makes the most money?" Laughing, she answered back, "Engineers." That was when I was 6. To this day I realize that at that moment I, unknowingly, devoted my life to becoming an engineer. Not for the money, but for the reason my mom led me into engineering.
"Moms know best" is a phrase often used to express the wisdom and understanding that mothers have for their children. My mom knew to lead me on as an engineer by the way I dealt with new technologies, problems, and solutions to those problems. These small, insignificant, details of my life were on close watch by my mother. She would see me taking apart electrical circuits and I would ask how it all worked. She had no clue, so I tried my best to research at the library or ask anyone who has some knowledge.
As this dream grew, so did my knowledge as I moved up into high school. Freshman year; first period: Electronics I. This class was the basis of all electronics and the guide to my future as an electrical engineer. I was learning about things I had never heard of and it fascinated me. Resistors, transistors, transformers, IC chips, diodes; these were all components that worked together in harmony, when assembled right. It was a whole new world that I was comfortable with, where everything made sense. There were even laws that applied to all of electronics including Ohm's law (V=IR). But even though I assembled the circuits and received an expected output, I wanted to know more behind the theory of how all circuitry works.
Inefficiency here:
At a young age When I was six, my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. Jokingly, I asked back, "What makes the most money?" Laughing, she answered back, "Engineers." That was when I was 6. ---I took out some extra words.
More inefficiency:
To this day I realize now that at that moment I unknowingly devoted my life to becoming an engineer.
This is an incomplete sentence:
Not for the money, but for the reason my mom led me into engineering.
fix it with a dash:
devoted my life to becoming an engineer -- not for the money, but...
I think the end of the first para is pretty weak -- "not for the money, but ... confusing stuff..."
Try to think of a better way to end that para. What is the main message the essay is supposed to send?
:-)
When I was six, my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. Jokingly, I asked back, "What makes the most money?" Laughing, she answered back, "Engineers." I realize now that at that moment I, unknowingly, devoted my life to becoming an engineer -- not for the money, but for my moms, and now my, wish to come true.
"Moms know best" is a phrase often used to express the wisdom and understanding that mothers have for their children. My mom knew to lead me on as an engineer by the way I dealt with new technologies, problems, and solutions to those problems. These small, insignificant, details of my life were on close watch by my mother. She would see me taking apart electrical circuits and I would ask how it all worked. She had no clue, but that did not stop my passion. I tried my best to research at the library, or if I had the chance, I would ask anyone who had some knowledge of electronics.
As this dream grew, so did my knowledge as I moved up into high school. During freshman year, first period, I signed up for electronics I. This class was the basis of all electronics and the guide to my future as an electrical engineer. I was learning about things I had never heard of and it fascinated me. All of the components worked together in harmony, when assembled right. It was a completely new world that I was comfortable with, where everything made sense. There were even laws that applied to all of electronics including Ohm's law (V=IR). However, even though I assembled the circuits and received an expected output, I wanted to know more behind the theory of how all circuitry works.
During the remainder of my high school years, I continued to strive toward my engineering career. I spent most of my elective classes inside of the applied technology department. My sophomore, junior, and senior year, I took a class based purely on the subject of engineering. The classes of "Project Lead the Way" directed me toward the goal that I had been looking forward to as a student, and further sparked my interests as an engineer for a future career.
The passion that has grown throughout my high school years has now developed into my definite choice of career. In the future, I plan to refine the skills inside a university of higher education to feed the hunger that has been welling inside of me since the age of six.
-okay thanks! i made the changes that you had corrected and added a few more paragraphs. if anyone could criticize this so i could make it the best it could be it, that'd be awesome! thanks!
"I realize now that at that moment I, unknowingly, devoted my life to becoming an engineer -- not for the money, but for my moms, and now my, wish to come true." I don't know why, but this sentence makes me confused. "Moms know best" Is it your mom or you that is the focus of the article? I think you should briefly talk about how your mom had inspired you in the first paragraph and then elaborate on how you have pursued YOUR dream.
I can feel your passion through the essay.
Good Luck!
If you have time, would you like to comment on my essay?
