Brannen Batulan
10-24-10
Personal Statement
During a time in my life that should have been filled with children playing with their neighborhood friends after school, I was taking care of my ill father. When I was eight years old, my father suffered from a massive brain stroke after coming home from a family party. At a young age, I emotionally grew up faster than other children; I quickly needed to learn how to be more responsible and helpful to my family. I was certainly unprepared for this crisis, but I had to cope with the fact that my father would not be able to walk again and that things would never be the same. Nevertheless, I took my father's illness as God's test to perceive how strong of a person I am.
From the moment I was told that my father might not make it, I became very worried and anxious. Hypertension runs through my father's side of the family, and my father had already been alert of his health; that night of unhealthful eating sparked his stroke. Initially, I was unaware of the severity of the stroke; but when I was brought to the hospital to see my dad with all kinds of tubes connected to his body, and my mom standing, weeping next to him, I realized how bad my father's illness was. Before, it was he who nurtured his children; now it is the other way around.
When my father began to recover and was transferred to a nursing home, our family relocated to an apartment near this nursing home so we could see him often. Every day after school, my brother and I walked to the nursing home to visit him. It was hard for me at first because as a child, all I wanted to do was play with my cousins. However, as time passed, I learned that being with my father was much more important than running around with other kids. My father became my top priority. Just the presence of me and my family brought joy to him. We spent hours interacting with him, hoping that it would help him regain his impaired memory and speech. My family and I had a whole new different lifestyle, but it was for the well-being of my father.
I am very fortunate to have my father with me today. I know there are many people out there who lose their fathers due to what my father suffered. I have had many experiences during his recovery that others would not have. He may not be able to walk, but I still get to see him every day. When I begin to give up on things, I think of my father as my motivation. He is my inspiration to endure and persevere, and my reason to appreciate life. I do not take my father's illness as something that has been taken away from me, but as a blessing; a blessing that has taught me to see life at a deeper perspective.
... my father had already been alerted of his health ...
When my father began to recover ,he was placed in a nursing home, then we relocated to an apartment ...
... and we got to eat dinner together with my father.
You have a lot of heart in your essay. Just a few minor things that seemed off when it came to the flow of the sentences (corrected above). But if it changes the meaning of what you initially wanted, then obviously keep it the way you want it to. I liked your essay a lot because it is very touching. However, a little more detail here and there wouldn't hurt. That is my only suggestion. Simplicity is always good too! Just keep that in mind when editing your essay!
Best of luck! ^^
Hi,
I think you have a very good case for this topic, a family tragedy that impacted your life, and therefore you can write an impressive essay. Just pay a little more attention to your structure. I'm sure you can further improve it. Also about the third para, I feel you give too many details about how you and your family managed this situation. However, the reader would be more interested in knowing how such a situation affected your life and personality. Therefore talk more about how this incident impacted on your life, how it changed your perceptions, how it affected your childhood dreams and so on. This would certainly be an inspiring story.
I also suggest;When I was eight years old, my father suffered from a massivehad a brain stroke afterwhen coming home fromafter a family party.
Nevertheless, I taketook my father's illness as God's test to perceive how strong of a person I am.
Before, it was he who nurtured his children; now it ishas turned the other way around.
When my father began recoveryto recover and was placed intransfered to a nursing home, werelocatedour family shifted to an apartment near himthis nursing home , so that we could visit him as much as we could.
I am very fortunate to still have my father with me today.
Every day after school, my brother and I walked to the nursing home to visit him. It was hard for me at first because as a child, all I wanted to do was play with my cousins. However, as time passed by , I learned that being with my father was much more important than running around with other kids. My father became my top priority because I understood thatJust the presence of me and my having the family brought joy to around him was his only consolation. .
-------- I feel it's lot better now.
We spent hours interacting with him, hoping that it would help him regain his impaired memory and speech. My family and I had a whole new different lifestyle, but it was for the well-being of my father.
--------- This sentence seems to repeat the same idea you were talking in previous sentences. Try to present it to give a different feeling to the reader; say something like;
Our love and care helped him recover and regain his impaired memory. Although this event demanded us to make many sacrifices in the name of my father's recovery, it brought us together as a very strong family. It made me a more responsible and a sensitive person...
I am not the most knowledgable writer but, writing is a passion of mine. I liked your essay and I applaud you for being strong and supporting your family. There is a book I read that helps me in my writing called: "On Writing Well" by William Zinsser.
