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A Personal Statement- father's birthday

zealzou 11 / 54  
Sep 29, 2009   #1
I was already exhuasted by the essay. This time, I just write a short story. It's a true story and I am still so sorry recalling that evening.

Father's birthday

Like every Thursday, I talked about how I played soccer on the dinner table. However, father was not so excited to my story this time. After dinner, I went on chatting on Face book: My friends stayed on the web everyday and their party never ended.

Walking out of my room, I found that the house was dark and quiet: mother had gone to sleep and I didn't know where father was. He was not at home, but where, so late? I worried. Had no more interest to continue the nonsense chat, I shut up the computer. There was sound in the key hole: he came back, with a bag of peanuts and a bottle of wine in hand which he put on the end table, and sat down.

The lights were off. The moonlight shed in, putting my father's lonely shade on the wall. I sat quietly on another sofa, listening to his chewing peanuts, the only sound in silence. I wondered what happened, but didn't dare to ask him. "You went our, father?" My voice was so weak that I couldn't hear it myself. He didn't hear me, but opened the bottle, and sipped the wine.

"I am 45 years old now, today." He said. I felt a strike in my head when I heard "today". "No one mentions it, nor does anyone remember." He murmured and picked another peanut. In my mind there was a battle. I was so high everyday, going here and there to everyone's birthday parties, making every effort to ingratiate a new girl friend, but let my own father sit sadly here. I wanted to destroy the web I wasted my days on, or find a place where I can hide forever, no dare see him... all ideas fighting each other when I looked at the ground like a frozen statue.

Mother got up. She too, was surprised. Knowing the situation, she apologized softly for forgetting the important day. Father told his story intermittently. "Last year, I bought myself wine and drank, too; the year before last, I was on business." I saw the image time after time father sat lonely in the pale moonlight on a day which should have been so happy. At that moment, he was no longer a big and strong man, but a sad child.

Father finished the wine and went back to sleep. He told me to go back sleep, too, saying nothing more about the event. But I couldn't, staring at the white bed sheet in moonlight. I felt cold, even in hot mid-summer, recalling the gloomy night. I used to be a bystander since young seeing my parents quarreling, but father's figure crouching beside the table like a sad child tells me: no. I should not be the one who is only taken care of, who just "deserves" the family's resource and love, and shoulders nothing. I have the duty to look after my dad. In several years I might leave them, but I still use the precious years making fun with friends and sending messages with different girls. That's what an innocent boy does; I am already 17.

I thought about many things on that special birthday. I decided to change from then on. Before the clock strike 24p.m, I looked at my cell phone. It was July, 16th, 2009.

This one is short...but I am afraid it doesn't sound like an essay, because I wrote it in an hour, and do not want to revise, while the previous essay-I revised it for 9 times. So, please help me review this, thank you!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 29, 2009   #2
This is a sad, moving story that obviously affect you deeply. As such, it makes a great essay topic. You just need to polish it a bit. For instance:

I was so high everyday

Not something you need to tell the admissions officers.

In several years I might leave them, but I still use the precious years making fun with friends and sending messages with different girls.

The use of the word "still" makes it sound as if you continued behaving as you did before, without changing, which isn't what you are trying to say.
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Sep 30, 2009   #3
I will pay more attention to some sentences and phrase...how about the conclusion? I think the ending is weak...

Anyway, thanks a lot!! I still don't dare let my father read this...
TimMill 9 / 63  
Sep 30, 2009   #4
"how I played soccer on the dinner table"

should be [b]at[b] the dinner table

"Face book: My friends stayed on the web everyday and their party never ended."
Facebook, not Face boook. Also, "their party never ended" is awkward.

There are a lot of small things like these- a lot. I know you're tired of revising, but this one needs a lot more work.

Also, wasn't you mum sleeping when dad said that it was his birthday?

A good theme, but needs work.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 30, 2009   #5
I liked the idea that you end by making a note of the date, so you don't miss his birthday again. But, if you wanted to make it stronger, you might talk about what you did for his next birthday, to show that you really did change, instead of just saying that you did.
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Oct 2, 2009   #6
Thank you so much!...
I know that essay is not a work that can be finished in hours and I will start revise it sentence by sentence. It's true that it lacks coherence. Also, I am not putting many things in a right way. Anyway, thanks!~
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 2, 2009   #7
The important thing is that you've got a strong topic. Polishing the essay isn't likely to be very fun, but the you don't have to start from scratch, so it's just a matter of putting in the editing time.
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Oct 3, 2009   #8
okay, I will polish it as an article and try to eliminate those simple mistakes which turn AO down. It's a much more comfortable topic than the "culture" I previously write about.

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