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Personal statement "The fear."


linhexi 9 / 28  
Sep 10, 2009   #1
I was dancing on the big stage at the high school talent show with my dance team named "Stand out", scanning the excited audience cheering along with our moves. I had been longing for the day, the day I wiped out my fear and shyness, the day I felt he hotness of spotlight, the day I saw my dream came true.

It wouldn't happen if I didn't surpass the fear in mind and finally grown to be a sunny, active girl, decided to pursuit my dream of standing on the stage. I remember how the words like "I'm not slim. I do not have coordinate body. People will laugh at me..."blocked my desire for over 16 years. It wouldn't happen if I didn't make up my mind, searched a Jazz teacher online and took up Jazz class every weekend. I remember how excited and anxious when I first stood in front of a broad mirror. Watching myself followed teacher's every movement, I felt myself like a nerd as both my arms and legs were so strained. I tried to relax, breath deeply, and stared at every gesture of mine, and improved it tirelessly. Basic, simple skills like Up-and-down, waves exhausted me. However, when I got out of the gymnasium bathed with sweat, an amazing delight filled all over my nerves. Later on, I started my Jazz team, and I remember we would take subway for hours to rehearsal place to run through our dance, and how confidence we were when we absolutely stood out.

When I was a child I read lots of fairy tales such as" Grimm's Fairy Tales", strangely besides the pleasure of reading fairy tales, Azrael became the most horrible thing I afraid of for it always shows on a dark night and relentlessly bring people's loved ones away. Though I had no idea about death, when I was asked to go to bed in the room without light on, I felt horrible and said, "Azrael is there!" Apart from this, lots stories of fear filled in my heart, made me like a coward. As I grew older, I read a saying; nothing is as horrible as the horror itself. Then some days later I compelled myself to step into a murky room and found nothing horrific, I surpassed my fear.

Nothing is more horrible than the horror itself, so I decided to face the things I unnecessarily worried about. I was totally shy before I attend a debate game as an audience speaker in junior high school. The amazing intense debating triggered my eagerness to speak, but when the audience part really came, I felt my mind again dropped into a gloomy room. No more worries, no more shyness, and no more ridiculous fear. I told myself, and stood up. I spoke out my thoughts loudly and clearly, which incented my expressiveness in public, and became the origin of my later debating game activities.

I faced the diffident girl in my deep mind, dragged her out to show herself. I joined the debating game in my both my senior two and three year. We lost the first game, but I wasn't defeat, as I knew it was just a beginning of my passion. A year later, I took apart in again, and this time we made it to the finalist. I collected our reference and summary of discussion in numerous files, organizing all of these separated documents to refine my logic. Debate is a process to argue rather than convince; thus, I practiced my expression everyday before a mirror. It should be an enjoyable auditory and reason presentation instead of a quarrel; thus, we emulated the actual competition in group, noticing tones and gestures. On the day of finalist, the lecture hall was packed with all students and faculties, with judges and several cameras staring at us. I began my words. I heard my illustration about emperor Kangxu's policy during Qing Dynasty's, my emphasized tone and loud voice without shaking. The timid, shy girl existed nowhere under the spotlight, and never going to revive.

Whatever the fear is about, I surpass it and be the true me. I became the girl who cooking herself dinner without fear of fire, energetically organizing school activities, passionately painting without fear of failure, carefully taking care of the old in community. I absorb the courage and confidence that had been lack in my mind for too long. The happiness, the satisfaction of being someone I like gives me guts and incentive to meet any challenges on my way.

Thank you for reading this! The essay is too long and I don't know how to cut it. Besides, how about the topic?

Liebe 1 / 544 2  
Sep 10, 2009   #2
Thank you for reading this! The essay is too long and I don't know how to cut it. Besides, how about the topic?

^It is long and it is boring. It is because you are not experimenting with anything new, and you are using just general sentences with vague modifiers.

From the introduction, it was clear where the essay was heading. Therefore, the rest of the essay, seeing as how it was written with just an 'O.K'' style, was far from interesting.

*Also, if the reader can sense where the essay is going in the first few lines, the reader can lose interest. That is a sign, that it is a boring an ineffective essay.

The topic is nothing fantastic, because people on this site alone have written VERY similar essays. There is no real depth in your essay, which is disappointing.

Your grammar also needs revision in many parts of your essay.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,993  
Sep 10, 2009   #3
I faced the diffident girl in my deep mind, dragged her out to show herself.

I like this sentence a lot, although it is not quite grammatically perfect ("dragged" should be "dragging"). Why? Because it is vividly and uniquely phrased. What you want to do is keep the sentences like that while getting rid of the endless iterations of "it wouldn't have happened if...," the information about what debate is or is not, and other tangential information.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,503  
Sep 10, 2009   #4
I agree with Simone. That is a good sentence. I'd keep it as "dragged," though. It works stylistically much better than "dragging," though Simone is right about the grammar technically speaking. Still, I've seen this sort of construction used enough in published works that I think you can safely leave it, if you think it sounds better.
OP linhexi 9 / 28  
Sep 26, 2009   #5
thank you for all opinons! Really helpful! This is my revised version. Is it getting better?

It may sounds ridiculous if I said the accident five years ago changed me completely. I slipped to the main road and was thrown away when I was riding bike on the icy road. The intense pain from my right ankle left me no way to move. I gulped down my sobs and called my dad, and 3o minutes later, I sit in the X-rays room, being informed that I need a surgery to fix my broken bones by pegging nails. Twelve year old girl though I was, I burst out crying and reluctantly watched doctor covered my right shank by thick, wet plaster and sent me to the ward. How shocked I was to relate my life with operation, how scared I was waiting for" the Day". How sad I was when I spent the Christmas Eve in the sickroom, writing 40 pieces of cards to my friends and family. How torturing it was during the 12 hours after the operation.

All of the above seem normal but means lots to me. I encouraged myself by reminding myself great heroes in Chinese history who suffered a lot from enemies before her death yet did not give in, and finally surpassed the fear, smiled to my mom and was sent to the surgery. Experience like huddling my body as a shrimp when received the anesthetic, refusing to use morphine after surgery and taking good care of myself after the surgery when my parents were on their business indeed rebuilt me. When two months later I almost recovered from the operation, I felt like I had come through something, something I never expected and dared. The feeling incented me to take up things I had never imagined, not to try different kinds of surgeries but to meet fresh challenges.

Therefore, I dragged the diffident and shy girl out of my mind. I joined the debating game in my both my senior two and three year. Yet our team lost the first game, I wasn't defeat, as I knew it was just the beginning of my path. A year later, we made it to the finalist. I collected reference sand summaries of discussion in files, practiced my expression everyday in front of a mirror, emulated the actual competition in group. On the day of finalist, the lecture hall was packed with students and faculties. Judges and several cameras were staring at us. I heard my illustration about emperor Kangxu's policy during Qing Dynasty's, my emphasized tone and loud voice without shaking.

Yes, it empowered me to stand on the stage, the dream I had never dare to realize. I searched for a Jazz teacher online and took up courses immediately. I remember how excited and anxious I was seeing myself from a broad mirror. I first moved like a nerd as my arms and legs were so strained. I tried to relax, breath deeply, and practiced tirelessly. Basic skills like Up-and-down, Waves exhausted me, yet I got out of the gymnasium bathed with sweat, filled my nerves with amazing delight. I started my Jazz team, took subway for hours to the rehearsal place to run through our dance, and absolutely stood out on the big stage at my high school talent show. I had been longing for the day, the day I wiped out my fear and shyness, the day I felt the hotness of spotlight.

I kept digging my passion, in the fields of oil painting, dragon boat racing, and community voluntary works. I like knowing nothing and expecting something surprising. I got them, and carried on. I moved forward not depending on my advantages, but to challenge my abilities, like choosing to join the basketball game with my 5.2 feet height and got the fourth prize. I came to the realization that I want to meet challenges just as when the tiny surgery nightmare came true, the realization that I shall keep heart optimistic as long as I live, the realization that I will take risk and challenge myself as I never know what it will turned out to be.


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