Personal statement - Loyola Transfer Application Essay; insults welcomed (School Paradoxes)

Essay is optional and the instructions just say that you can submit an "essay or personal statement". Here is my rough draft:

Paradoxes in School

I am arguably one of the greatest navel-gazers of all time, and I was letting this essay ruin my day until my friend mercifully offered me an orange soda by sticking the cold can against my cheek. We start discussing the essay and he says "just write with your voice", and I laugh but find it about seven different kinds of annoying. I struggle trying to find my voice when writing, so he sits me down and does a mock interview. I need this type of helpful friend and feedback, gently reminding me to look up at the world around me. Also, I am dehydrated and have a headache.

My friend's "transcript" of the interview has been helpful throughout the process of writing this essay. I'm pretty sure he took artistic liberty because I was not "recruited [sic] out of high school to play calculus". In fact, I have absolutely no idea how I ended up majoring in math, other than feeling there had been something like a semantic mix-up during my freshman orientation at Indiana University. Regardless, I developed a fascination with math that has allowed me to hone my analytic mind.

I withdrew from Indiana University in March of 2012, and again in March of 2013. The reason I withdrew was the same both times: I couldn't do the work in front of me. I learned about paradoxes in school but couldn't see how focusing only on grades was stripping me of any ability to get them. Admittedly, the problem was much bigger and mostly peripheral to what I see as this essay's purpose, and though I am certainly proud of the problems I've faced, I only mention them because I don't want to neglect potential discrepancies on my transcript. Suffice it to say that I had been in precisely the kind of self-dug-hole where God can change a young man's life.

The time I've spent outside of the classroom has given me the ability to meaningfully relate inside of it. I've had the opportunity and pleasure of tutoring students in classes ranging in both level and topic. It sounds cliché, but I have learned more in teaching others than I did being taught. I had no idea how hard it is to effectively explain seemingly simple concepts. "Irony" comes to mind.

I 've learned that daily tedium is something we all deal with, i.e. not personal injustice. This tedium is where I learn to be part of something larger. It is the train ride, the FAFSA filing, the laundry sorting. It's the crushing boredom of being put on hold, and actually holding, and then being redirected to another department because of course you called the wrong one, but not before the hold-line again, and then being informed that you owe money, and then paying that money, and doing all this without once complaining to anyone within earshot even though you want to. This is the type of growing up I have done and am proud of. I hope that reading my essay won't contribute to your daily tedium.

I can't reel off a long list of career plans, or blinding epiphanies resulting in career plans, or life-lessons I've learned other than this: I have an option to learn everyday. I have a childlike obsession with wanting to know fully the world around me, to write "Matt was here" in wet cement. I offer Loyola an intensely curious student who values commitment to both academics and community. I have more questions than answers. Is that all right?

Thank you so much for your input. W/r/t what I have been doing since I dropped out: I have been sober since 3/05/13 and living at a recovery house. Though it'd be easy for me to write about my experience in both active addiction and recovery, and though it is definitely what I am most proud of, I don't want to exploit it or come off as self-congratulatory, etc...not to mention that it could seem melodramatic and raise red flags or who knows what...I wonder if you have any advice as to how I should address, if at all, my past and present circumstances?

Should I list some courses there that interest me? I can definitely talk more about what kind of tutoring I have been doing, I just felt like that would be kind of boring to read.

Yeah, unfortunately, you are right in leaving out the addiction and recovery story. Even though it could be a powerful story, admissions officers are often biased against applicants with a history of substance abuse or mental illness; many have said it, and my own experience with applying to college has supported it. Especially as a transfer student, you don't want to jeopardize your chances of getting in. So I guess you need to tailor your story to A. justify your dropping out and B. market yourself as an eager and capable applicant. Which sucks because it sacrifices some authenticity but will ultimately serve you better.

So you need to explain what went wrong the first time more than just "not being able to do the work," and what will be different the next time. Because the work will be equally hard / harder at Loyola, unless you're studying something different. Yes, list courses that interest you. You can elaborate on the tutoring, but you don't have to make it a paragraph or anything...