Hello, I would like some feedback on my personal statement. I would love your suggestions on ways to improve it or if there are any minor errors that need to be fixed. Thank you for any assistance you can provide.
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Nice girl. Easygoing. Sweet. Quiet. Those were the words that labeled every aspect of who I was and it disappointed me to know that I had not changed. I knew I had so much potential, but how would I prove it? To begin with, I joined the my high school swimming team and it was the best decision I had made, because it was an opportunity that taught me the foundations to being a confident role model to me peers. Swimming was that outlet for me; one that I could showcase all my talents and more. Although, I was not the fastest swimmer, I disciplined myself to work hard and perform at the best of my ability. With this ideology, I reached a point in my life where I started applying this to my academics and personal life. I also learned to take responsibility for my own actions and encourage myself to improve my swimming techniques that would assist me to develop mental and physical strength. As I went to school each day, I no longer worried about who I was and who I wanted to be, because I knew that I was nice, and easy going, and just as sweet, but also someone who could help reach out to those who had no confidence in themselves.
During our CCC championships, I was prepared to put to the test all that I have learned and practiced. The feeling was bittersweet as I stepped up to the blocks to do my 100 meter Breaststroke. Hearing the announcer call to start; I bend down, feet positioned, head tucked, and fingertips touching the edge of the block. I was strong, confident, and ready to prove myself. Before I knew it the water drowned out the crowds roar, but could not stop me from smoothly gliding forward-faster than the girls beside me. Kicking, swimming, and gliding. I pushed myself to the last ounce of energy that I had. My lungs protested with all their might, legs and arms aching. With each stroke, I was one step closer to my dreams.
I looked at the scoreboard- first in my heat and third overall. It was unbelievable to be acknowledged by my coach and teammates. The skills that I attained verified my determination, persistency, and ambition. Furthermore, being awarded Most Improved Player represented not only my hard work, it defined the leader I became. Swimming was my stepping-stone to personal growth. It also became my passion.
Hello,
This is a fairly straightforward statement and although this uniquely happened to you, many other applicants will write a story very similar. You should really try to add elements that are unique to you here. Talk about your lack of self confidence before. What made you select swimming?Why did you feel you needed to be a role model to your peers? Was it peer pressure? Really take the reader into your struggles so that we can understand you better. -AAO
Hope this helps.
Your essay is good and tells a lot about you as a person. The last paragraph seems a bit out of order. Try this.
"It was unbelievable to have no experience in swimming and succeed as a champion. That year I was awarded Most Improved Player, recognizing not only my hard work, but my own personal growth as a person. I gained skills in determination, persistence, and ambition and am no longer the solemn person I used to be. I am simply me."
This is just a suggestion. Good luck!
Overall a great story about how swimming has helped you improve. There were some minor grammar mistakes, however, particularly regarding your use of the semi-colon. ("What fascinates me; is to dive into the world of others. My curiosity to catch a glimpse of one's day; brings me joy to be able to share compassion.") I think you could probably omit them completely and the sentence would work.
Best of luck to you! :)
