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UC Personal Statement 2 - Overcoming Depression - 'It was the last week of school'


mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 29, 2012   #1
Hey guys, the deadline is tomorrow to submit this so please tear this apart with critique, as much as you have time for please and I will give a like to anybody with some input. I really need somebody to critique/review/edit this before I turn it in, I know it's a personal essay but be as harsh as you want as long as it is advice. Thanks!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was the last week of school during freshman year of high school, and I just found out that I got an A on my biology final, a class that I struggled with all year. I was filled with pride and joy, rushing to the front of the school eager to tell my mom. When I got there, my dad and sister were in the car instead. When I got in I asked, "Where's mom? I wanted to tell her I got an A on my biology final!" There was no comment. My dad started driving and still they said nothing. I finally asked, "What's wrong? Why are you guys being so weird?" They finally told me what was wrong. My mother had stage-two breast cancer, and at that moment happiness disappeared from my life.

Junior year we were informed that she would survive, yet that same year I was still diagnosed with clinical depression. At that point, I was living in bad faith. I was sad that I caused stress to my mother, I was sad that I did not have good grades, I was sad that I was scrawny even though I used to feel too chubby, and most of all I was sad that happiness was so scarce in my life. I didn't think things would ever get better, but the truth is if I never hit rock bottom, I would not have had the motivation that I've gained today. My psychologist was someone who could relate to me more than anybody else, but he taught me how to turn my sadness into motivation to improve on those areas of my life.

During most of high school I thought that the academic goals that my parents tried setting upon me were impossible, so I just tried my best and hoped that they would be proud enough. Now I set my own academic goals of getting 100% on tests and getting As in my classes, and I actually accomplish them, because it is worth it to put in work towards achieving my own goals and feel the pride that I get in return. Instead of being sad about the stress that I caused my mother, I talked to her until she understood that I was ready to be responsible for my own schoolwork and wanted her to stop worrying about it. I was unhappy with my body, so I decided to eat more, eat healthier, and workout frequently and I have stayed consistent because the pride that I get from not feeling scrawny anymore drives me to keep going. Overcoming depression has taught me to build my own path through life and has provided me with the confidence and motivation to achieve my goals.
Jcubed 3 / 4 2  
Nov 29, 2012   #2
I just found out that I gotachieved an A on my biology final.

t that momentadd a comma here happiness disappeared from my life

I was sad that I had caused stress to my mother

I didn't thinkI had lost all hope of things ever gettingthings would ever get better

the truth is add a comma here if I had never hit

Also, it seemed very abrupt when you brought your psychologist into the picture. maybe you could transition a little smoother?
these are all just suggestions.
OP mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 29, 2012   #3
Bump, I WILL CRITIQUE IN RETURN! I still need more critique so that I can edit this essay into one that I am confident with.

@Jcubed: Thanks for the advice! You're so right about adding my psychologist abrupty, I didn't even realize that I will definitely add a transition, I have 100 words left to write anyways between my 2 essays.
OP mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 30, 2012   #4
Bump, I give likes and really need some advice any advice or critique is appreciated! I have to turn this in tomorrow around 7 P.M.
everalf1995 - / 1 2  
Nov 30, 2012   #5
I was unhappy with my body, so I decided to eat more, eat healthier, and workout frequently and I have stayed consistent because the pride that I get from not feeling scrawny anymore drives me to keep going

try to add something about your weight and/or body at the beginning or in the middle so this sentence doesn't look like it came out of nowhere.

while reading it i noticed you jumped from one topic to another, try to add transitions and show how one thing lead to another. mother got cancer > depression > lost weight? > psychologist > you overcoming the problem. make it all come together at the end. check my essay it might not have good punctuation or grammar but you'll see what i mean

good luck :)
OP mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 30, 2012   #6
haha everalf I did critique yours yesterday, I'm the only person who did! But yeah I see what you mean, I was looking earlier in the essay that I mentioned it and thought it would make sense, but your right the sentences should flow. I do jump around alot because it takes me really long to think of what to write so the ideas just kind of come out of my head, maybe transitions will help me add length. By the way, do you know if it is bad if I make my prompt 2 like 150 words longer than my prompt 1?
kmoses 2 / 5 2  
Nov 30, 2012   #7
I think your essay is very heartfelt and answers the prompt nicely. Like other people said above me, just add some transition sentences and you should be ready to send it.

To answer your question, you can distribute the 1000 words between the two prompts however you wish as long as your shorter essay is at least 250 words.

My first essay ended up being around 620 words and the second was only 330.

Good luck to you!
OP mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 30, 2012   #8
Yeah, I made my first a little longer so now they will just be pretty much even. If anybody else has any edits or critiques please write them and help me get into UCB please! I will like every post :)


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