Hello,
I am a student graduating high school this year and applying for a photography university. They require a statement of purpose which will be used for admission as well as scholarship consideration, in addition to a portfolio.
Upon emailing an admission representative for clarification, she offered me this response:
The committee would like to see a summary of your past work/education/experience, what you are currently doing, and your future goals, and why [UNIVERSITY] is the place to help you attain these goals.
I have written my statement of purpose (see below), but would like anyone to read over it and offer suggestions and proofreading. I have replaced professor names, companies, and the university name with square brackets [X] to protect privacy.
A problem with my statement of purpose is that it is over the 500-word limit. It is at around 680 words. How would this affect my admission/scholarship consideration? Please suggest to me what content I should remove if needed, and how I should go about rewording it.
Please note that the university I am applying to is American, with a campus opening in China next year.
Thank you very much. I would greatly appreciate a concise review of my statement of purpose.
I distinctly remember the moment I first stopped time. My father had placed in my hands this strange little box, and with the click of a button, a whir of machinery, and several hours later, I soon found myself smiling in awe as my father's face smiled back at me, forever frozen on paper. It is this awe-inspiring sensation of permanently capturing a moment--in a sense, the divine act of stopping time--which has led me to a lifelong fascination with the magic of photography.
I was raised with the impression that photography was suitable just as a hobby--nothing more, nothing less--and it was not until high school did I realize that photography could hold promise for my future as a career. I quickly became determined to achieve my goal of someday becoming a professional fashion photographer, and set about enrolling in every class at school which I felt would prepare me for that. I first experimented with traditional black and white film photography in Grade 10, after which I was permitted to skip a grade and accelerate to the Grade 12 film photography course the following year due to recognition of my keen interest and capabilities. I was also a strong advocate for the creation of a Grade 12 digital photography course at my school, a course which I am now enrolled in under the teaching of respected Toronto wedding photographer [X]. In addition to photography, I have studied a wide range of arts as well including visual arts, graphic design, animation, and architecture.
My experience with photography has led me to be involved with a variety of clients. My work has recently been published in UT Chinese Magazine, and I have been invited to perform solo exhibitions at several high schools on different occasions. At school, I am an official photographer for the Athletics Department and Communication Technologies Department, and have been featured in the school newspaper as well as graduate yearbook. In my own personal time, I produce work for friends, family, and paid clients including signed Toronto singer [X], local boutique [X], and jewellery store [X]. Above all, however, I produce work for myself. I regard photography not as a simple means in which to earn money, but rather as a way in which to challenge and express myself; I always take time to carefully plan and execute each of my concepts, and never produce mediocre work solely for the lure of cash.
Much has changed since my first encounter with my father's camera, with the exception of that lasting sense of wonder which had so captivated me as a child. It is that same timeless sense of wonder which has so motivated me to pursue a post-secondary education in photography at [UNIVERSITY]. I am certain that [UNIVERSITY] will be able to nurture me and my understanding of the art, as I have contacted several current [UNIVERSITY] photography students and professors including [X] and [X], all of whom have impressed me with the quality of education provided at [UNIVERSITY]. I also believe that [UNIVERSITY] can provide me with two essential values that no other university anywhere in the world will be able to provide me with: a sense of belonging and inspiration. I say this in particular regard to [UNIVERSITY]'s new location in China, as even though I emigrated from China to Canada at the mere age of 5, I still feel a deep sense of longing to satisfy that insuperable bond with my native land. In addition, the dynamic environment of China will no doubt allow me to flourish as an artist, as I draw a huge amount of inspiration from festive sights and vibrant colours; elements of which are reflected in my work and ever-present in China. I am enthralled with the prospect of truly realizing a dream I had previously thought impossible: to pursue what I love, where I love--and this is made possible only through [UNIVERSITY].
Well the first thing I suggest, is that if they say a 500 word limit, you should make sure you cut this down, as you don't want to give the impression you ignore rules!
Actually, you could cut the whole first paragraph without detracting from your essay.
I was raised with under the impression that photography was suitable just as a hobby,--nothing more, nothing less-- and it was not until high school that I realized that photography could hold promise...
... as even though I emigrated from China to Canada at the mere age of five , I still feel a deep sense of longing...
