Hello, although this paper is still a work of progress, I was wondering if anyone can look over my essay and point out anything that doesn't make sense or is too broad. As wsell as any thing that can be included.
Please be honest. Thank you.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Hi there! I was wondering if someone can help me cut out any unnecessary things and also provide me with any feedback thank you!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Tremblings shoulders and unclear thoughts passing my head. Walking straight up the stairs facing down and onto the stage. Not hearing clearly to the introduction and appreciations for parents coming to the fifth grade spelling bee. Unlucky as I was my name was called and I stood up not being able to swallow my saliva, I felt my face and hands get hot and sweaty. Slowly walking to the microphone. I tooked a deep breathe and cleared my mind, stood up straight. The word was "Mississippi" "oh that word" I said out loud without even thinking, that was the word my mother had made fun of because somehow it reminded her of a snake that she had confronted in Mexico. Rushing through my mind, I heard my mother words telling me "tranquila" to relax. The line of students shortening, the finals were close and all I can think about what how excited I had gotten to spell, feeling the sounds of ever letter sliding through my tongue and through my teeth like a snake. . Although I did not win the first golden trophy that would have been placed on the empty space above the television. I am the first American born child in my Hispanic family to finish middle school, speaking fluent English.
Starting elementary school, my parents struggled to help me in my literature assignments because they didn't know the English language.. I received the education that was much greater than the education my parents had received when they lived under the poverty line in rural towns in Mexico. My father did not attend school, however luckly my mother was the oldest and the only one of eight siblings to attend school, only learning the basics.
Because I was shy and quiet, I allowed vocabulary words to slide pass me. My report card did not reflect what I was capable of doing and I know that it was only the beginning of my academic years. Foreign words on the white boards, I debated with myself of whether to ask for questions or to let go. My trembling hand reached half way, my teacher ignored me furiously to catch her attention, I shot to my hand to reach the sky blurting out "I have a question". I learned to costantly ask clarifying questions on assignments.
I learned to depend on myself to ask questions that would help my learning process,, so by the time my younger siblings began to attend school, they could depend on me to understand academic subjects and answers to their questions. Reflected when I saw my little sister Monserrat be the first in our family to receive a spelling bee trophy. All I could do was run onto the stage and attack my sister with kisses not afraid to embarrass her.
Even though I did not receive help when I was younger, I'm thankful that I have grown to become an independent learner who is willing to help kids especially first generation kids throughout their academic years. Leading me to question what would life had been like if my parents had actually known the language and were able to afford programs. But because that was not the case instead I learned to take advantage of opportunities when they came and have it my abilities to grow as a first generation student.
As far as I can tell, the content of your essay is pretty good. However, there are some grammatical errors.
For instance:
"out of my parents reach." Parents should be parent's.
"I received thean education that was much greater than the education my parents had received when they lived under the poverty line in rural towns in Mexico."
"coutry side." should be "countryside" Also, I'm not sure if "urban areas of the countryside" makes any sense.
The rest seem to be commas and minor punctuation errors.
I hope I was of assistance.
Tremblings shoulders and unclear thoughts passing my head. Walking straight up the stairs facing down and onto the stage. Not hearing clearly to the introduction and appreciations for parents coming to the fifth grade spelling bee. Unlucky as I was my name was called and I stood up not being able to swallow my saliva, I felt my face and hands get hot and sweaty. Slowly walking to the microphone. I tooked a deep breathe and cleared my mind, stood up straight. The word was "Mississippi" "oh that word" I said out loud without even thinking, that was the word my mother had made fun of because somehow it reminded her of a snake that she had confronted in Mexico. Rushing through my mind , I heard my mother words telling me "tranquila" to relax. The line of students shortening, the finals were close and all I can think about what how excited I had gotten to spell, feeling the sounds of ever letter sliding through my tongue and through my teeth like a snake. . Although I did not win the first golden trophy that would have been placed on the empty space above the television. I am the first American born child in my Hispanic family to finish middle school, speaking fluent English.
I edited your first paragraph for any grammar errors and made the sentences clearer. Check the some of the notes in parenthesis. The highlighted sentences/words in red were things that I did not understand. I briefly read your last paragraph and you should expand on what you've learned and how you've matured as a first generation student to emphasize the struggles that you have overcome.
My shoulders trembled and unclear thoughts passed my head. I walked straight up onto the stage with my face facing down. (???) Unlucky as I was, my name was called and I stood up, not being able to swallow my saliva. I felt my face and hands getting hot and sweaty. Slowly walking to the microphone, I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. The word was "Mississippi." "Oh that word," I said out loud without even thinking. This was the word that my mother had made fun of because somehow it reminded her of a snake that she encountered in Mexico. In my mind, I heard my mother shouting "tranquila." (I don't understand the last part of the paragraph.)
