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Personal statement on student's foreign language acquisition before graduation.

Bun cha 2 / 2  
Nov 25, 2022   #1
Here is the full topic:
Some people believe that all students should study a foreign language before they can graduate. Others do not support this requirement.

Write an essay in which you agree with one of these two positions.

Below is my first draft. Thank you for your review in advance.

There has been a heated debate about whether it is advisable for students to learn a foreign language prior to their graduation. Some say that not every student needs to learn foreign languages before graduation while others support students being bilingual before they become graduates. I strongly agree with the latter as foreign languages have aided undergraduate students in three main factors: job opportunities, expertise, and career networks.

First and foremost, acquiring a foreign language undoubtedly helps students increase their chances of landing a job after graduation. Due to globalization, more and more jobs are likely to require a decent command of foreign languages, which should be an advantage for bilingual students over monolingual counterparts.

Secondly, learning a foreign language helps to further one's major. By learning a language, students can overcome the language barrier to have access to any useful academic resource in the world, immensely broadening their expertise. In other words, their academic growth will not be sorely dependent on mother-tongue-related documents, which can be problematic if certain knowledge students seek has yet to be translated into their main language.

Finally, being able to communicate in a different language enables students to expand their career network. They can reach out to a wide range of potential co-workers, and mentors regardless of geographical barriers. This is like a stepping stone for their career development in the future as they can learn hands-on experiences from others.

In summary, learning a foreign language is immensely beneficial regarding career, career networks, and major knowledge. I strongly recommend students acquire another language before graduation.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,562 4442  
Nov 26, 2022   #2
Where a general idea is presented, there is no need to exaggerate the basis. That means, the restatement should also be a calm and properly referenced idea presentation rather than a combative debate. All tasks are mere "discussions" rather than debates. Misrepresenting the discussion type will not help with an accurate interpretation of the topic and should be avoided due to the deductions it could cause. There was also no reason to use an emotional response in this instance since a measured response requirement was not indicated. The writer has simply not met the proper formatting requirements for the task restatement section. However, the basis for the discussion, the thesis statement, was properly presented and will receive some scoring consideration for the TA +Writer's Opinion scoring section.

It is not useful to the essay to present several reasons when 2 will suffice. These tasks are only 4 paragraphs long unless otherwise specified with a comparative + personal opinion discussion. Do not focus solely on the reasons for the discussion. The weakness of this presentation is found in the way the reasons are presented. There are no supporting examples or personal experiences to further support the presented ideas. Therefore, the explanations are not well developed nor presented, indicating a less than proper C+C writing style.

The writer is focusing too much on word usage, which will be good for his LR score but, since the other aspects of the scoring consideration are faulty, will not result in a full scoring consideration for the paper presented. Learn to express oneself clearly with more concise paragraphs. Even as the writer focuses on word usage, he fails to meet the paragraph presentation requirement of 3-5 sentences for an acceptable academic paragraph. A format that should be repeated throughout the presentation.

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