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UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 - Transfer Student "How I got into psychology"


mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 28, 2012   #1
Hey guys, please critique my college essay as much as possible, I need to turn this in by November 30th, this is my first draft so don't hold back please tear this paper apart with feedback.

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

People suffer from two types of pain, physical pain and emotional pain; therefore, there are two types of healing, physical healing and mental healing. Physical healing is the job of doctors and nurse, while mental healing is the job of psychologists. In the past people have neglected going to psychologists, because they think that if they go they wont be considered a normal person. Even I was of those people, until a psychologist healed me.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in high school, and during that time I had almost lost all hope that my life would ever get better, until my parents sent me to a psychologist, Dr. John Schienner. Dr. John helped show me that there was a way out, and he gave me the motivation that I needed to take charge of my life. After going through this experience, I have been happier and more content with my life than I ever thought was possible and it has inspired me to help others go through this same transformation.

Now when I see others who look down I try to engage with them and make them feel comfortable to open up to me. Ever since seeing a Dr. John, I have had way more people who are in my life start to share their problems with me, because I could relate to their sadness yet I showed them how beneficial the experience can be to learn from. I know that being a psychologist is right for me, because I love the feeling I get from helping somebody with their problems, but helping them achieve emotional well being is an accomplishment that I would strive for every day, because it is something that will help a person for a lifetime.

After taking my first college introduction psychology class, psychology became all more real in my life. I was so intrigued by all of the branches of psychology, especially transpersonal psychology, developmental psychology, and abnormal psychology. Now after taking many more psychology classes I've started thinking about why others who are close to me do the things that they do think and behave in the ways that they do.

Currently, I work at an afterschool center called Yang Fan Academy so I know a lot of children from kindergarten through sixth grade, and I try to apply what I've learned from developmental psychology to think of a reason for their behavior. I also learned to handle the children in my classroom much better after using operant conditioning, which I learned about in my first college psychology class, which covered developmental psychology.

Although my experience from watching kids develop in social settings and going to a psychologist benefit me, I have much more to learn from going to a four-year institution. After studying psychology in college, I hope to open up private practice as a psychotherapist or a developmental psychologist.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Nov 28, 2012   #2
Hi :) Your paper sounds really good to me. I think you did a nice job answering the question. I have a few suggestions for you.

Physical healing is the job of doctors and nurse, while mental healing is the job of psychologists.
You may want to say it like this: "Doctors and nurses are responsible for their patient's physical health, while psychologists specialize in mental health."

((I changed this thought a bit, because technically, a psychologist studies mental health, while a counselor or psychiatrist is more responsible for treating patients))

In the past people have neglected going to psychologists, because they think that if they go they wont be considered a normal person.
You could say this: "Unfortunately, there is a stigma on treatment by a psychologist, because people feel abnormal or ashamed for needing mental help."

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in high school, and during that time I had almost lost all hope that my life would ever get better, until my parents sent me to a psychologist, Dr. John Schienner.

This sentence is long and loaded, I'd split it up into two sentences.

Now When I see others who look downtroubled, I try to engage with them and make them feel comfortable to open up to (confide in?) me.
OP mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 28, 2012   #3
Thank you so much for your critique Jenny! I'll definitely make those edits I was trying to think of better ways to word "In the past people have neglected going to psychologists, because they think that if they go they wont be considered a normal person." I just couldn't think of a way to reword that, but what you said is perfect! Thank you so much for your help, I will reply with an updated version tomorrow, because today I have to do a project and prompt 2. Thanks once again for your awesome advice I gave you a like!
shirley127 3 / 17 1  
Nov 30, 2012   #4
I know that being a psychologist is right for me, because I love the feeling I get from helping somebody with their problems.
Helping people achieve emotional well- being is an accomplishment that I would strive for every day, because it is something that will help a person for a lifetime. (no comma before "because")

There are a few minor grammar mistakes, but I think this is a strong essay. Well done, my fellow LoL-er, gg.
OP mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 30, 2012   #5
Thanks for the advice shirley! I'll update it tomorrow morning, now I'm focusing on prompt 2 edits and I'm short around 140 words total!


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