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Personal statement for University of Wisconsin Madison. prompt #1

helpme143 1 / 1  
Nov 14, 2009   #1
Please comment on my approach to this question. Is it OK to write this way? or I need to tell in a different way? and feel free to comment about anything. Just hoping to write a good essay. thank you.

Statement 1:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

I believe that life is like a journey. Therefore, we need to prepare ourselves in every aspect and gain knowledge as much as we can to help us survive this long trip. Throughout my journey until now, I have gain valuable knowledge and precious experience that made me who I am today, a committed, hardworking, friendly and a grateful person. Furthermore, I am planning to continue this journey of mine at the University of Wisconsin, Madison and bringing along these values so that I can gain more experience and knowledge about life. I imagine that my journey into the university can be compared to my journey to Java, Indonesia.

Truthfully, I was not exactly enthralled by the idea of spending a month of my holidays volunteering in Java, Indonesia. After the stressful examination year that I had been through, I just thought that I deserve a holiday of my life! Admittedly, I thought of every horrible possibility that I'll be facing in Java like the bedless house, the improper toilets, hygiene issues, and also food issues. However, being me, I always believe in looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. So, I refocused my mind and took this volunteer work as an opportunity for me to experience something different and I thought, just maybe, I might get to learn something new.

Even though the main objective was to help the people at Java, the group and I had to go through a module at Malaysia for a month to prepare ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and the most important thing is to create a bond between us so that we can work as a team and make this a successful occasion. Besides that, we had to come up with RM10,000 by ourselves to help the people at Java, Indonesia.

During this module, I see myself as a committed and hardworking person. Needless to say, this first module was very demanding. The plan had to be right, in order to get things done in time. Therefore, I gave my full commitment and work hard in the group. I participated in every meeting and gave ideas while also considering ideas from others. If given a task, I would try my best to get the job done in time so that we can reach our main targets without delay.

For an example, we had a discussion on how to collect RM10,000 in a month and we did not even believe that we can in the first place. With a responsible group leader and superb team members, we came up with solutions like painting school buildings, washing cars, selling scrap metals and old newspapers, and lots more. It was initially tough working with so many people with different backgrounds, but then we got over our differences, and did a great teamwork. By the end of it, we even managed to earn RM 13,000. It was then I realized the actual importance of working together.

As expected, when we arrived to the Main Island of Java, we still had to travel up far into the island to reach our destination, Jakarta. It was one bumpy road we had taken on, but just as soon as we stepped out of the bus, we were greeted with so many smiling, welcoming faces. The little children, who are mostly orphans, were especially glad to see us, their face lit-up with hopefulness, excited to know what we had in store for them. Suddenly, I felt this gushing feeling of giving, of making things happen for these people. All the worries and fatigue were gone in an instant.

Keeping with the planned schedule, we got ourselves busy from day one. We installed lights along the roads, improved their place of worship, and even fixed their houses and the school. Those were not some easy tasks. We had to go up and down the hills to get the items needed. Not for one second did anyone of us gives up from the tiring work. Together we persevered and get our goals done. The collected money was put to good use by giving donations to the poor families and to provide supplies of foods for the orphanage.

The school was shabby, and the orphanage was impoverished. Yet, the children and the people there were full of spirit. Seeing the happiness in their eyes as the lights turn on, a warm feeling came down on me. From that moment onwards, I have decided that I shall be committed to volunteering activities. It does not only give me happiness, but had taught me a lot too.

The most important lesson that I learned from this volunteer work at java, by seeing the orphans and impoverish people, it made me realize to be grateful with what I have and the importance to share it with others that are in need. So, with my transfer to the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I hope to share my knowledge and experience with the members of the community and at the same time gain more from what the university has to offer and I believe my commitment to volunteer work will enrich the community greatly as I will always take the opportunity to join events and volunteer in helping the needy people.
LorxX099 4 / 10  
Nov 14, 2009   #2
I wasn't exactly <--- no contractions
I mean, <--- Delete, don't write like you talk
Admittedly, I thought of every horrible possibility that I'll be facing in Java. The bedless house, the improper toilets, hygiene issues, foods, the lists goes on. <--- Condense into one sentence

These are just a few of the mistakes you made in the first paragraph. You need major revision. As far as the approach, I would say you're on the right track, just expand more on your final paragraph. Expand more on why you would be beneficial to their community.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 15, 2009   #3
I mean, After the stressful examination year that I had been through, I just thought that I deserve a holiday of my life! Admittedly, I thought of every horrible possibility that I'll be facing in Java.

Less is more:

From this one particular life experience, I believe I have become a better person. I am...

I guess you need to add an intro paragraph in which you directly answer their question. End the paragraph with a sentence that says your journey into college can be compared to your journey into Java. Then, let this be paragraph 2:

Truthfully, I wasn't exactly...
OP helpme143 1 / 1  
Nov 18, 2009   #4
thanks for the advices.

I tried doing it again and it did not turn out so well. It was quite long and the points was a bit messy.

Please help me again in organizing my points.

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