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Personal Statement: Weight Loss!


pilt 1 / 1  
Nov 25, 2012   #1
Critiques are appreciated!

prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?


My jeans felt tighter and my stomach gradually crept over the waistband. While most kids spent their day playing outside, I spent my days on the sofa feeding myself with everything I could find in the kitchen. My parents worked all day. My dad came home with fast food for a couple of days which turned into a couple of months. Burgers and fries became my guilty pleasure, my happiness. I was five feet and weighed 140 pounds. I knew in my mind that I had to change, but I did not have the energy to do so. I had a regular check up at the doctor's and she told me that I was overweight for my age. My health could be a big concern. I had an epiphany as I sat in front of my doctor that I had to change. I knew as long as I change my habits and become healthy, I will be given a longer life. The quality of a healthy lifestyle was more important than anything else.

I thought to myself, "Losing weight couldn't be that hard." Little did I know that saying it was a lot easier than doing it. I would sometimes stand in front of McDonalds and contemplate whether I should enter or not. Then I thought of how I needed to be better for myself and researched online of how I can start change my eating habits. I started cooking for myself instead of going to fast food restaurants. Jogging around my neighborhood was the greatest challenge I had to ever face. I thought of what my doctor said and I pushed myself. My energy level started to improve. This encouraged me to keep jogging and stay healthy. I was able to play outside and I felt my confidence building up. I lost about 20 pounds, maintained a healthy lifestyle, and I have never been more proud of myself.

This accomplishment and significant quality defines who I am today and gives me the strength, not only to chase my dreams, but also lead it. It also gave me a quality that I never knew I had before, motivation. Without any self-motivation, there will be no process. If I put my mind, heart and soul into anything, I can accomplish whatever I desire. As a result, I am proud to say that I now live a healthy lifestyle and along the way, I was taught a valuable lesson. Self-motivation is the key to all success.
diebysenioritis 7 / 17 7  
Nov 25, 2012   #2
My dad came home with fast food for a couple of days which turned into a couple of months This sentence was confusing. Do you mean fast food started becoming habitual?

I had a regular check up at the doctor's and she told me that I was overweight for my age. My health could be a big concern. I'm sorry but my first thought at this was well no kidding. The first part is a bit redundant. Maybe combine these two sentences?

Then I thought of how I needed to be better for myself and researched online on how I can start change my eating habits.

As a result, I am proud to say that I now live a healthy lifestyle and learned a valuable lesson along the way.

I actually really liked this essay. My difficulty in life was always gaining weight - I'm a stick. But after reading this I felt like I could understand your struggle much more. Your essay is written simply and so lends itself to clarity. However, now I think you should start giving it some complexity. Did you ever think of giving up? End up backsliding and gain weight? Did your parents encourage you or continue buying unhealthy foods? Your morale "I can accomplish whatever I desire " is a little generic. But otherwise it was short, sweet, and read great.
lulwut 5 / 26 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #3
"how I can start change my eating habits."
how I can start changing my eating habits.
__________
"This accomplishment and significant quality defines"
The way this is worded it seems as though there are two accomplishments that you are referring to. Consider saying "This accomplishment defines..." or "This significant quality defines..." instead.

I feel like you don't start talking about the overall topic of the essay early enough. Although you're clearly very proud of your accomplishment, you shouldn't focus your writing on what you did so much as what you learned you were able to do from it, and how you learned that. This is what colleges will look for in your essay.

I hope this was helpful! Please give my short answer a bit of criticism if you get a chance.
OP pilt 1 / 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #4
Thank you! You were more than helpful. I appreciate your advice.


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