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Personal statement- work experience, the first day of my internship


ppthecat 2 / 6  
Aug 13, 2009   #1
Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or less).

Please edit!
And also I am a little over the word limit. Any advice?

"This is the PTB-3150-MV. This is the PFA-250-RG." The first day of my internship at XXXX. Already overwhelmed by the complex names of the power supply models, I am immediately given the task of completing a modification record of the PTB-3150-MV power supply. My mentor walks me through the steps. I proudly hand over the finished record to my mentor, who scans over it and hands it back to me. Oops. I forgot to write down the quantity. Sheepishly, I slowly write down the number 12, double-checking to make sure everything is right. This time, I receive a simple, yet satisfying, pat on the back.

I look up at the clock, and it is 5:00. As I prepare to head home, I realize that 8 hours of any work, whether plucking at wires or filling out paperwork, is truly exhausting. I suddenly think of my dad, who will also be heading home at this time. Though I have finished my internship this summer, I continue to appreciate and admire my dad for the effort and optimism he puts into his job.

2010nbailey 2 / 8  
Aug 13, 2009   #2
I really like the depth of your voice in the writing! However, you could make the passage flow a bit more smoothly-I know this is more difficult in such a short amount of space.

"The first day of my internship at XXXX" can be combined with the next sentence in a variety of ways, which would make the whole introduction a little smoother in my opinion.

I think you could do without the word "oops"; "sheepishly" covers your point well enough.
The bit about your dad is unnecessary, also. I think one would rather hear about how your internship affected you as an individual, not how it made you admire your dad. If you're over the word limit cutting out that part will help.

Then, in its place you could try a stronger conclusion.

(Maybe here you can show how persevering through the exhausting work showed you were punctual, hardworking, and diligent?)

Just some minor suggestions. Great job and a good topic. :]
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 13, 2009   #3
And also I am a little over the word limit. Any advice?

Keep the first paragraph as it is. Amend the second paragraph as follows:

I look up at the clock.and it is 5:00!As I prepare to head home, I realize that 8 hours of any work, whether plucking at wires or filling out paperwork, is truly exhausting. I suddenly think of my dad, who also will be heading home at this time. Though I have finished my internship this summer, I continue to appreciate and admire my dadI feel a wave of admiration and gratitude for the effort and optimism he puts into his job every day .
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 13, 2009   #4
I personally liked the reference to your father in the first version, especially if that really was what you thought that day.


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