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"The Statue" - Bucknell Supplement Essay


Hypnotized 3 / 5  
Jan 10, 2010   #1
We're interested in the kind of positive risk-taking energy you would bring to our University. Please describe a time when you found the courage to step outside of your comfort zone to do something unexpected and completely unlike you. Why did you take this risk? What have you learned from the experience? (up to 500 words)

"Dylan McNally," Mrs. Root announced after drawing my name from a hat...

My mind went blank. Suddenly, I saw myself through the dim lights of our auditorium. I stood on the stage, suffocated in its lighting. I could feel the pressure of their stares. The entire school was gazing at me with empty faces. Mr. Irvine, the principle, stood at the center of the stage. He was saying something, but I couldn't focus. It all came out in silence until he looked over to me and extended his arm.

"Now I will be handing the microphone over to Dylan. He will be introducing the homecoming court candidates as well as filling you in on their activities, interests, and school life."

I took a step forward, approaching Mr. Irvine with uncertainty. He met my step with a quiet nod, motioning me to advance. I continued forward as the heel of my sole broke the silence, hitting heavily on the hardwood floor.

Mr. Irvine grabbed my shoulder. "Go get 'em tiger," he whispered with a pat on my back. He handed me the microphone and walked into the darkness, leaving me lost in the ocean of their eyes.

I looked down at my feet, then up at the crowd and smiled...

"Dylan!" Mrs. Root exclaimed. "Do you want to speak at the homecoming assembly?"
My thoughts jumped back to the present. I was standing in lecture hall A, the meeting place of student government officers. Everyone was staring at me, waiting for a response.

"Well, of course!" I replied.

Throughout all of elementary and middle school I was known as the "quiet kid," the "shy one," or "the statue." Although I had progressively worked on my public speaking throughout high school, and have considerably "come out of my shell," to abuse a cliché, there was still a degree of uncertainty in my public speaking. Ultimately, I desired a test of speaking in front of a large audience. The class room discussions and debates simply were not enough. When Mrs. Root, the student government adviser, asked if I wanted to speak in front of the entire school, the opportunity for my test had arrived. I accepted the offer with a smile.

The happenings of the assembly were nothing out of the ordinary for everyone else. Like every past year, a male senior introduced the candidates for the homecoming queen, and gave a little bit of background information on each one. However, for me, this assembly proved to me that I can speak smoothly to any number of people with confidence and composure. I no longer look to public speaking with fear nor do I dwell at the back of the classroom unresponsive. After a long day of receiving praise and compliments, I was proven that I can approach a weakness, something outside of my comfort zone, and make it a success.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 11, 2010   #2
I'm intrigued by the beginning of this. Suddenly I saw myself...
This is good stuff. Use a comma in this compound sentence, though:
I walked over to Mr. Irvine, a nd he handed me the microphone.

Wow! lost in the ocean of their eyes. ...

well, the good news is that you write very well. If you speak as well as you write, you should never be nervous, even if you are in front of 10 schools. But the bad news is that this essay needs some revision! I am so confused when I get here:

I was standing in lecture hall A, the meeting place...

Is it supposed to be backstory? Like this? ----> A week earlier, I had been standing in lecture hall A, the meeting place...

:-)
OP Hypnotized 3 / 5  
Jan 12, 2010   #3
Thank you for pointing that out! After reading over it again, I agree completely.

I've made some revisions. I added "My thoughts jumped back to the present," to clarify the two perspectives. One is suppose to be myself looking to the future. In the other, I am standing in the lecture hall with other students as a speaker for the assembly is being chosen.

I also added some stronger details, and rearranged a few things. Any more suggestions/comments?
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 12, 2010   #4
I continued forward as the heel of my shoe broke the silence, hitting heavily on the hardwood floor.

However, for me, this assembly proved to me that I could speak smoothly to any numbe...

I no longer feel apprehensive at the thought of public speaking, nor do I dwell...

...and compliments, I had proven that I could approach a weakness, something outside of my comfort zone, and make it a success.


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