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my stay in africa and my dad.


Godizgood 3 / 18  
Nov 22, 2009   #1
uc prompt #1. descibe the world you come from for example your family,community or school and tell us how your world has helped shape your dreams and aspiration.

The world that I come from is a world of poverty, people constantly struggling to make ends meet. Mothers are leaving the house at 5.00am to go the farm to make sure that her kids have at least one square meal. Fathers are going fishing and hunting to give his family a feast. Children are playing outside with no clothes on because their parents cannot afford to clothe them. Families are mourning almost every year because the lost a loved one to an indescribable disease .A ten year is old taking care of his younger siblings because his parents were victims of HIV/AIDS. Forcing him to become an adult when he is just a kid. For the first fifteen years of my life I lived in Nigeria, a country in Africa. I saw people languishing in pain not certain if they will make it till the next day. For example people who were homeless and lived on the street despite of the weather condition. Whenever I saw this it broke my heart. I felt sad because there were people who actually lived in conditions like that. Seeing those living conditions and the constant struggle made me stronger. It made me appreciate and be self-content with what I have. I learned to cherish whatever I had and not take things for granted. The experience also made me very determined and willing to go hard in whatever I do. I became driven to well in my academics in order to achieve my dream of becoming a nurse. I want to become a nurse so that I can help the less privileged, especially the people in Africa who have no one to turn to when the going gets tough. Knowing what I wanted my career to be right from childhood made me want to come to the United States of America. I felt that I was going to get a better education and more exposure in my field of study if I came to the United States. My motivation to reach my goal kept me from slacking off from my studies. Another inspiration that kept me from slacking off was my dad. My dad is a very hardworking man who can go to the extreme to get whatever he puts his mind to. He works so many hours in a day just to make sure that his family is comfortable and does not lack anything. That is his number one goal and he can do anything just to make it happen. He always tells me "to be my own person and not depend on anybody for anything". Those words inspire me everyday and keeps me from slacking off from my studies and my priority. Being around him and seeing how determined and hardworking he is makes me strive harder to achieve my goal in life. I know that I have to be independent young lady in order to be as successful as he is.

please tell me anything you see that is wrong whether grammar or whatever. thank you in advance.

Ruah 5 / 14  
Nov 23, 2009   #2
Hello
your essay is very nicely written :) , but I wanted to correct some mistakes I found
-Mothers are leaving the house << it is supposed to be their houses.
-to go the farm to << to go to the farm to.
-that her kids << their kids.
I'm not sure these are all the mistakes .
I think your writing is amazing and I hope you improve it more :)
OP Godizgood 3 / 18  
Nov 23, 2009   #3
thanks ruah i really appreciate it. i will correct the mistakes and improve my writing
OP Godizgood 3 / 18  
Nov 24, 2009   #4
my grandmother and her influence on me. check out stay in africa and mydad.thank

Uc prompt # 1. Describe the world you come from for example your school, community and family and tell us how your world has helped shape your dreams and aspiration.

I was born in Nigeria, a multicultural, multi linguistic and a multi religious country in Africa. I was born in the Northern city of Kano. This part of the country is inhabited by mostly Muslims who speak a native language called Hausa. My parents are Christians and we speak Igbo a different language. The Muslims majority did not like the Christians so the were numerous incident of intertribal and inter religious fight. Sometimes I was afraid to go to school because of the possible fight with the Muslims.

We however moved to the Christian dominated eastern part of the country when I was six. Life was good for a while. I made new friends who spoke my language. My parents however divorced two years later and I was sent to live with my grandmother. Life became more difficult as my grandmother was a disciplinarian who actually taught me the true meaning of life. Like she always said "You do not appreciate what you have until it is gone". Those words inspired me to appreciate and be self content with whatever I have, teaching me not to take anything for granted.

My grandmother is a community nurse in the village. She was well respected by everybody because of her contribution to the community. She doubled as a nurse, patients and community advocate. People came to her with all kinds of problem including family problems. She was always devoted to listen and aid people. I was always touched when I see people come to our house sad only to leave feeling ecstatic after speaking with my grandmother. My grandmother is my role model and has taught me humility, respect and above all to care for others. She taught me that it is very important for me to be educated so that I can be in the position to help others. There are not many educated women in Africa but my grandmother has made me understand that by hard work and a good education I can make a difference in the life of others. I aspire to become a nurse so that I can help my patients with their health needs and also help my community in many different ways just like my grandmother.

OKAY I HAVE 2 UC IST PROMPT DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO CHOSE HELP ME PLZ. THE OTHER ONE IS ENTITLED MY STAY IN AFRICA AND MY DADDY. TELL ME WHICH ONE TO CHOSE. ANY CRITQUES WILL BE GLADILY APPRECIATED. THANKS IN ADVANCE.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 25, 2009   #5
Mothers are leaving the house at 5AM to go the farm and make sure that their kids have at least one square meal. Fathers are going fishing and hunting to give their families a feast.

I saw people languishing in pain, no t certain if they will make it through the day. For example, people who were homeless and living on the street despite the harshness of the weather conditions .

Knowing what I wanted my career to be right from childhood made me want to come to the United States of America, where I felt that I was going to get a better education and more exposure in my field of study. if I came to the United States.

He always tells me: "Be your own person and not depend on anybody for anything".

I like this one much more, because it shows how driven you are to succeed, and it evokes real emotion. I hope you have lots of success!!
OP Godizgood 3 / 18  
Nov 25, 2009   #6
thanks kevin i appreciate it
Vietnamezeducky 1 / 4  
Nov 25, 2009   #7
I say pick the first one, since it seems better in my opinion. It's more compelling, you showed what your world was like in other people perspective, then you transitioned how you felt about it. However, both is quite good.
OP Godizgood 3 / 18  
Nov 25, 2009   #8
thanks vietnamezeduky
twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Nov 26, 2009   #9
I was always touched when I seesaw people come to our house sad only to leave feeling ecstatic after speaking with my grandmother

I agree that the first one sounds better, however, the second one is much more personal. I feel like I get to know you better from the second one. Hah, sorry I guess the real decision is up to you.

Good luck!

Also, would you mind looking at mine?
Thanks!!
FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 26, 2009   #10
i liked the first one, just caught my attention more, the second one i kinda ended up skimming
polytag - / 10  
Nov 26, 2009   #11
Having read through both, I would say I like the first one more. =)
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Nov 27, 2009   #13
For the first fifteen years of my life I lived in Nigeria , a country in Africa . I saw people languishing in pain not certain if they will make it till the next day.Homelessness scattered all about me.Whenever I saw this it broke my heart.I felt sad because there were people who actually lived in conditions like those.Being a witness made me strongly appreciate and be self-content with what I have.To me, giving became better than receiving. I grew up helping out neighbors and friends as much as I could even with what little I had. Ever since then I had an ultimate dream: I became driven to do well in my academics in order to achieve my dream of becoming a nurse. I was so driven that I gave up living with my parents as a child to attend a great boarding school.

Bold is wanting correction. Bold and italic is a suggestion.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Nov 27, 2009   #14
make sure you keep commas and periods and other punctuation at the right place in a sentence. no need for a space after the last word. I don't know what you mean by combining the two prompts...you have to enter them onto the online app as two separate essays.

no paragraphs?

Nigeria, a country in Africa
going gets tough-colloquialism
tough. [new paragaph] Knowing

I felt safer in the U.S. I witness no poverty here and the people are rightfully treated by their government.

true yet not true.

Those negative comments tell me that I am privileged to live in an underprivileged community because I am content enough to do so.

what do you mean by "content enough to do so"?

part about your grandmother pops out of nowhere. paragraphs please?

comments: you mention schooling, your homeland, and family, but you dont focus on one. it's great that your world has affected your dream to be a nurse and ...also to help with democratizing nigeria, but make a more focused thesis.


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