Describe a meaningful experience and how it changed you:
The harmful choices that I made throughout the beginning of my high school experience worried and scared my parents. Because of my negative outlook and approach, my grades were declining, my future was deteriorating, and my care for life was slipping. Terrified of the destructive habits that their daughter had picked up, my parents sent me to a therapeutic boarding school. Ironwood was as intense as its name implies. My journey began on the 13th of December, 2010. Although the program was tedious and extremely challenging, I still consider Ironwood the most positive and life-changing experience that I have encountered. Ironwood is the place where I took my life back into my own hands.
Through denial of privileges at Ironwood, I learned how grateful I am for the opportunities and privileges that I possess. I was denied my passion: visual art. Before Ironwood, I did not view art as a privilege and I ignored my ability to create as an artist. Living without the things I love brought me to the realization that I could not allow myself to be in a situation where I could not create again. Art is my passion, my outlet, my comfort, my challenger, my reality, my fiction, my therapy, my inspiration, my adventure my language, my form of self-expression, my future, and my life. As an artist, I feel that I am most in touch with myself and others through fine arts. My stay at Ironwood brought me to the realization that art is my passion and my future. My gratitude towards visual art has motivated and inspired all aspects of my life, resulting in my life being of greater value.
My stay at Ironwood taught me invaluable lessons about life. I learned how to effectively assert for myself and how to work well with others. These lessons came with a newfound confidence. In one year I transformed into a completely different person. I am now grateful for all the privileges and opportunities that surround me, more hardworking and self-aware, and I possess confidence that I never felt before Ironwood. Since I graduated from Ironwood, I have stayed on track to be the person I want to be and I for that I am most thankful.
Is this a common app essay ?
I would say that this essay isn't showing many things, more of telling is going on. As in first paragraph , you just mentioned about your bad habits but didn't elaborate on anything else, which doesn't provide a good context for reader to continue with following essay. Also, you need to expand on some specific event that occurred at your boarding school in a little detail, again to give a reader an idea about the specific conditions you have undergone instead of general points about it.
"my grades were declining, my future was deteriorating, and my care for life was slipping ." Instead, switch the two. "my grades were declining, my care for life was slipping, and my future was deteriorating." That has a lot more strength behind it. If you can, edit the "my care for life was slipping" so it's parallel with the other two. Find a way to say it like "My (blank) was (blank)ing."
I also agree with the previous commenter; you need specific examples of the bad behavior, as well as a situation that happened during your boarding school experience. What exactly was so profound?
"Art is my passion, my outlet, my comfort, my challenger, my reality, my fiction, my therapy, my inspiration, my adventure my language, my form of self-expression, my future, and my life." This is extremely tiresome and unnecessary. Rather than show how important art is to you, it distracts the reader. Choose three, write them in parallel structure like the orginial sentence, and make them count. Expand on the three you choose.
Depending on the word count and how much wiggle room you have, you also might want to insert a little anecdote in the very beginning about why you started on a downwards spiral when you entered high school. Were you nervous? Ostracized? Fell into the wrong crowd? Exposition is key.
