Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.'
Which are you? (300-500 words)
I move with a clear purpose towards the goal that I must accomplish, whether it be tackling a difficult flute excerpt or reaching the highest score on Temple Run. The class of people to which I belong , of those who move, is characterized by a certain initiative and motivation that separates us from those that are immovable or merely movable. We do not stay in one place, content with our lot, nor do we wait for some outside impetus.
When I come to a decision or realization, I put my plan immediately into action. For example, I moved to create an orchestra that would convey joy through music after a small yet significant experience at a homeless shelter. I had never really confronted the reality of poverty or homelessness until I visited this shelter; oranges had not seemed like a luxury to me until a little girl mistakenly bit into the fruit, whole. The delight that illuminated her face after her first taste of an orange, though, will forever stay imprinted on my mind. I realized then that I want to continue bringing light to the dark lives of people like this child.
The first step that I took then was to gather young people with musical talents into a volunteer orchestra that would perform at nursing homes, hospitals, homeless shelters, or anywhere with people that could benefit from our music. I did not wait for anyone to tell me what to do nor did I sit thinking and not acting. Because of my determined movement, I have created an orchestra that has moved others emotionally through our music. The proudest result of my actions is the $4000 that we raised last year to donate to children in North Korea and to fight tuberculosis.
As I move into the future, I plan to go into public health and create affordable, more accessible medical aid for those who most need it. These are people who have the potential to move but simply do not have the means to take action. I am going to use my ability to move in order to help these people achieve their own dreams, starting with the field of public health.
Any flow/grammar issues? Did I answer the question? Thanks!
I move with a clear purpose towards the goal that I must accomplish, whether it be tackling a difficult flute excerpt or reaching the highest score on Temple Run. The class of people to which I belong, of those who move, is characterized by a certain initiative and motivation that separates us from those that are immovable or merely movable . We do not stay in one place, content with our lot, nor do we wait for some outside impetus.
When I come to a decision or realization, I put my plan immediately into action. For example, I moved to create an orchestra that would convey joy through music after a small yet significant experience at a homeless shelter. I had never really confronted the reality of poverty or homelessness until I visited this shelter; oranges had not seemed like a luxury to me until a little girl mistakenly bit into the fruit, whole. The delight that illuminated her face after her first taste of an orange, though, will forever stay imprinted on my mind. I realized then that I want to continue bringing light to the dark lives of people like this child. This sounds very condescending. .
The first step that I took then was to gather young people with musical talents into a volunteer orchestra that would perform at nursing homes, hospitals, homeless shelters, or anywhere with people that could benefit from our music. I did not wait for anyone to tell me what to do nor did I sit thinking and not acting Isn't it important to think before you act? Also, this sounds awkward. . Because of my determined movement, I have created an orchestra that has moved others emotionally through our music. The proudest result of my actions is the $4000 that we raised last year to donate to children in North Korea and to fight tuberculosis. To donate to children in North Korea with TB? Or were they two separate causes?
As I move into the future, I plan to go into public health and create affordable, more accessible medical aid for those who most need it. These are people who have the potential to move but simply do not have the means to take action. I am going to use my ability to move in order to help these people achieve their own dreams, starting with the field of public health.
You have a nice voice, and your essay flows very well.
thank you, i will fix what you've noted.
yes, they're supposed to be two different causes.
Other than the minor things the previous comment stated, your essay came across as very bold (in a good way).
You let the reader know that you're a 'go-getter' and tend to deviate infrequently.
Good Luck with UPenn!
after fixing the essay i think it will be great
