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Staying in the Light; Princeton Supp; favorite quotation from an essay


Aurora88 2 / 1 1  
Dec 24, 2012   #1
I'm well below the max words so please be brutal and help in any way possible. I really need help with the ending and I'm afraid all of this is kinda cliche. Is there any way or anything I can add to make it less cliche and more personal?

Princeton- 500 words
Option 4 - Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation, title, and author at the beginning of your essay.

In his book Unwind, Neal Shusterman writes: "...One thing you learn when you've lived as long as I have- people aren't all good, and people aren't all bad. We move in and out of darkness and light all of our lives." We encounter those in the dark every day, even if we ourselves are in the light. It is important to stay in the light and not cross over to the dark side.

(Eyes watching. Feet moving. Heart racing.) I was playing well in a tennis tournament this fall. I only had one opponent left between me and the finals. It was a long match, made difficult by the heat and the scorching sun. My opponent and I were equal in strength and skill, but there was one major difference in our playing styles: she would call the ball out if it bounced on the line- a violation of the rules.

I love playing tennis. I have become a persistent, analytical thinker able to overcome various obstacles that have allowed me to become a resourceful and versatile player. But I am always disheartened when I observe cheating. With a sport where there are not any referees, there are many opportunities to cheat, but I always play with integrity, even when my opponent does not. I varied the depth, height, spin, and speed of my shots, and won a set. I did everything legally possible to try to win, but in the end I lost the match. I was a little frustrated, not because I lost, but because it isn't fun playing in a dirty game. Nonetheless, I shook her hand and lost with dignity.

Afterwards, my teammates congratulated me on playing a great, clean game, even though my opponent did not. Some said I should have stooped to her level, but all agreed that I played well. It was a lesson well learned, and I am glad to say that when the need came, I stayed in the light.
bi123 2 / 10 2  
Dec 25, 2012   #2
Hey, I think it's a good essay.

In his book Unwind, Neal Shusterman writes: "...One thing you learn when you've lived as long as I have- people aren't all good, and people aren't all bad. We move in and out of darkness and light all of our lives." We encounter those in the dark every day, even if we ourselves are in the light. It is important to stay in the light and not cross over to the dark side.

(Eyes watching. Feet moving. Heart racing.) don't put it in brackets! should be part of the paragraph.

the only thing I can think of is put it all in present tense! It gives the feel of the moment and takes the reader there.

And do more with descriptions!
Also I like how you kinda draw away from the present and reflect and then come back. that's good.
don't worry about the ending. it is a great touch!
hope this helps!
- please take a look at mine if you've got time.
good luck to you!


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