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"He who stays near vermilion gets stained red; he who stays near ink gets stained black" - My Story


Sakifarhan 2 / 2  
Dec 21, 2014   #1
Hi, guys. I would really appreciate some feedback on my Common App essay. Please be brutally honest, as I would like to make a great impression with the essay.

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

As the Chinese saying goes, "he who stays near vermilion gets stained red; he who stays near ink gets stained black." If one were to take that literally, I would practically be a rainbow. It is said that the environment that one grows up in plays an integral role in shaping a person. However, for me, it is quite different. For the first twelve years of my life, remembering my home address was troublesome business; I lacked a permanent address moving from Sudan to Sri Lanka to Sierra Leone. In my head, telephone numbers, street names, roads and zip codes blended into a mishmash of numbers and names.

There I was; sitting on my bed playing FIFA 2002, completely oblivious to the fact that the course of my life was about to change. Suddenly, I heard my door creak open. It was my father.

"I was offered a job in Sudan," he said.
"What is that?" I replied, bewildered.
"It's a country," he told me. "We will be moving there soon."

Everything went by very fast the next few months, and, soon, I found myself in a completely different world. The people were different; the food was different and even the trees were different!

I still remember. The house was painted a warm shade of yellow. Everything felt welcoming - starting from the gleaming wooden floors covered in throw rugs, to the pale blue curtains, to the windows that revealed a garden. Neem leaves had started to fall, covering the pathway in a green carpet that softly crunched underfoot. Looking back at what was my first memory of Sudan, I now realize that this marked the beginning of a story; one that has shaped me into who I am today.

Camel-riding in the Sahara desert, hiking in the tropical jungles of Sri Lanka, sunbathing in the beaches of Sierra Leone - all became familiar experiences in the course of my travels. I have met people of more than a hundred nationalities and experienced things that I never would have. My world of travelling has allowed me to leave me comfort zone. I am more willing to take risks that I would never have. Facing countless challenges, such as not being able to speak English at first, has allowed me to overcome fear and prejudice. By being exposed to so many cultures and customs, I have developed a respect for the beliefs and others' way of life. To sum up, I have become open minded and less insular; qualities I am proud to possess.

As good as it may sound, constantly relocating does have its disadvantages. One of them being the fact that I have not had the chance to maintain any long lasting relationships with people. However, constantly having to make new friends has made me an adaptable person. I am able to fare with any situation quite well, and I feel that this is an important life skill to have.

Each of us has a story that shapes our identity. And, I am eternally grateful for mine, for it has inspired me to delve into my dreams and aspirations. Because of this exposure, I have been able to look at my world through a different set of lens and redefine myself and my perspective of the world. Experiencing a taste of so many cultures and so many environments has made me open-minded and has inspired me to travel the world. I want to finish what my father started.
rtan05 5 / 32 3  
Dec 21, 2014   #2
i like the content but you need to organize your thoughts. i got lost throughout your essay as you jump to different events without proper connection to each one.

There's no need to incorporate other people as this is your story. Your thought, your perspective, your vicissitude. Focus on the important events in each place you've been in which have formed you to being the person you are today.
Maxbradley 1 / 7  
Dec 21, 2014   #3
The part about the disadvantages of relocation doesn't flow all that well, but everything else is a window into your experience. Change that one part of the essay, and I think you're good to go
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 21, 2014   #4
Sakif, there is nothing about this essay that shows me the development of your central identity. You have only managed to give us an overview of how you grew up, which is by moving from country to country for your father's work. A central identity essay is developed by choosing a pivotal point in your life where you had to make a significant adjustment to the way you conduct your life or adjust your character or trait in order to become more capable of handling specific situations. It is somewhat similar to a coming of age essay but with one huge difference. A coming of age essay asks you to show a sense of responsibility and maturity, while a central identity essay needs to show your development as a person and how these life events have helped you become the person you are today.
acrogirl5 1 / 7 1  
Dec 21, 2014   #5
I got a little lost in your essay, you jump a little too fast and tend to repeat things.

First of all with the intro, don't mention Sudan, a paragraph later you're going to say you had never even heard of it before you were told you were moving there. Leave it at "I lacked a permanent address moving from Sri Lanka to Sierra Leone"

There are a couple other structural problems but the main issue is that it really feels like you're saying that constant traveling has prevented you from developing one identity in your body paragraphs, but saying in your intro and conclusion that constant traveling has developed an identity unique to you regardless of what culture you are immersed in


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