the way hospitals made feel.
the way hospitals made
me feel.
As I apologized for blinding stepping into his way
As I apologized for
blindly stepping into his way
blood transfusion of blood
transfusion of blood (the repetition of "blood" is slightly awkward)
Although, I have lived
Although I have lived
I believe that my experience as a volunteer in the community hospital has impacted me positively and made me a better person.
Remember: show, don't tell! It's clear that this experience has impacted you positively and that you are a better person because of it, so you don't need to state that.
opportunity to learn which I believe, every child deserves.
opportunity to learn
, which I believe every child deserves.
Other than those things, I think this is a great essay! I think it's awesome that you were able to have this experience and that you used your advantages to help others. I think colleges will find that a good thing as well. You may want to think about how you end your essay though, especially if you take out the essay about it making you a better person.