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My step-dads influence made me who i am- UF prompt feedback


Avera214 1 / -  
Aug 16, 2012   #1
the directions say to write a narrative of a meaningful event or experience and how it will affect my experience and contribution to the University of Florida.

My essay:
When I was born, my parents were separated. I was an unexpected miracle. My mother worked hard for the first years of my life. She had multiple jobs and only stopped to sleep a few hours. Luckily, I barely remember my younger years so it didn't impact me negatively. One day, I man went to the hotel she worked at to pick up a rental car. His name was Rafael, and after getting my mom to go out with him, they soon married and he became my father. The years that passed after their marriage I remember clearly.

If my personal history was unraveling and I could only choose one thing to remain the same, it would be the marriage between my mom and step dad. He made me what I am today. I watched and learned by what he said and did. Whether it was the importance of family, respect, or knowledge, I grew to understand the meaning of what a father is supposed to do. He is meant to guide his child and show them the path to a better future. He showed me the characteristics I should look for in a person and became a role model of what I wanted to be. He proved that not all fathers are the same and that there were good people in this world.

After the marriage, I received two younger siblings and his daughter from a previous marriage became my older sister. My older sister was also influenced by him and as she grew older, she turned out to be a hard working and ambitious woman. She helped my dad guide and steer me through my toughest days. Eventually, she left high school to go to the University of Florida. It was then that I decided where I wanted to go. In order to make the man who raised me proud, I made a goal to follow in my older sisters foot steps.

I am near the end of my first goal. I have tripped and fallen, but regardless I refuse to stay down. I keep my fathers words near, reminding me to be honest and strong. Without him, I would not have the intelligence or the strength I have now. If it weren't for my parents getting together, I might have not become the woman I am today. In my final year of high school, I become a better being then I was last year. Today, I improve the individual I was yesterday. My dad taught me how to advance in everything I do, whether it's in my education, work, or everyday life. He is the event that shaped me into the star that will glow brightly wherever I go. He may not be my father in blood, but he will always be my "soul daddy."

Jonessayslayer 3 / 4  
Aug 16, 2012   #2
I think that you should focus on making the essay flow better- right now it seems to me at least that it's very choppy, with every sentence sounding like a drill sergeant is saying it. If you revise it and make it flow smoothly, perhaps you'll fix any other things you might come across.


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