Any comments, feedback, and constructive criticism (or non-constructive), is appreciated.
I would like to know where I can improve with this essay. Currently, I am not confident in the organization and coherence of this essay.
Does the essay SHOW and not tell?
Does it send a clear message?
Is the underlying theme clear?
Is the topic unique and sets the writer apart from other applicants?
What's something that will stick in your mind after you've read the essay?
Thank you so much!
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your background, please describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. (500 word limit).
If your parents told you that you could be anything you wanted to be, take one-step forward. I stayed still while others shifted to the front.
If your family takes regular vacations, take one-step forward. I wasn't qualified either.
If you've been a child laborer...If you've experienced violence at home...If you've lived in an area with prostitution and drugs...take one-step back. I did.
Here I was, at a leadership camp, doing a walking activity that separated the campers by their setbacks and privileges. When the activity ended, my group was scattered across the room. I was at the very back. The Privilege Walk exercise was meant to foster a better understanding of the diversity in our group.
One girl, Alex, could not take any steps. She sat in a wheelchair. But she always smiled and enjoyed herself, which is why her courage and compassion inspired me and others. My roommate, Jacob, was molested as a child, which made him socially awkward growing up, yet his genuine empathy towards others belied his emotional scars. Whenever I told him about my problems, he'd always make me feel better with his "hakuna matata" attitude. It was this emotional intelligence that strengthened him as a leader. I discovered that no matter where we stood on the privilege spectrum, our different circumstances gave us unique characteristics that became our strengths and assets.
For me, my own family's financial situation pushed me to become more creative in order to find the same opportunities that others easily received. While some parents paid for their children's expensive summer camps, I worked hard to get scholarships, and paid my own airfare with savings from my business.
But instead of feeling sympathy over adversity, I prefer to focus on how we grow from overcoming our challenges. Whether the diversity deals with setbacks, culture, perspectives, or talents, I believe it makes a person or team stronger. After the camp, I set a mission for myself to become more appreciative of the diversity around me.
With this goal in mind, I decided to start the Youth United Way initiative, a youth-organized charity. As the director, my first mission was to build a multi-talented team. I began by examining how my classmates' unique experiences could strengthen my organization. One friend of mine never cared much about service, but he was a passionate musician. I encouraged him to join. Thanks to his expertise, we were able to plan a music festival fundraiser. Another friend I recruited was an athlete. He helped us to organize a sports tournament. With our individual talents and knowledge combined, we successfully reached out to a diverse community.
My personal philosophy from these experiences is that a leader must embrace individuals' uniqueness in order to build a stronger team. Though I took many steps back during the Privilege Walk, it was "one-step forward" in learning to treasure the differences and strengths of others. I hope to continue taking steps towards the appreciation of diversity into my college and professional careers.
Steven,
Your essay is simply marvelous! I cannot stress enough how much I appreciated it, and as I continued reading the essay, I knew that it would only get better. You certainly have a knack for writing, and if I were you, I would continue writing! You might just find a career in it, or a hobby if your career is already set forth for you.
I looked and I cannot find any grammatical or spelling errors. Not one. There is not one thing that I would change in the essay. It simply says what you set out to do...which is use the prompt to describe the diversity that you would bring to a community college. And, as far as the restraints that you used to define your essay -- you established all of them in my mind. I will certainly look forward to reading more of your work on this forum!
--Mark :)
wow. this essay was really moving. the only suggestion i could give is to take out the quotation marks in the mention of "one step forward" in the last paragraph, as it seems more effective to just say it was one step forward, as opposed to "kind of" one step forward, as the quotation marks suggest. besides that, really, really excellent work.
Thank you so much Mark. That was a very flattering feedback. I appreciate that you took your time to read this!
@ tensplyr4eva, Thanks so much for the feedback. I will take your suggestion and get rid of the quotation marks. You have a good point. Thanks for noticing it.
Any other suggestions to make this essay will be greatly appreciated! Thanks :)
Steven,
I really enjoyed the opening paragraphs,they formed a great visual and I was able to "see" what was going on.You managed to highlight some of your best characteristics,such as determination.
Overall,a great job!.(The reference to "Alex" is very powerful!).I'm not sure about the hakuna matata though.I get what you mean but to someone who may not have watched the lion king you might want to give some context...just a thought.Otherwise,I can't fault it,it's very solid!
