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STEVE JOBS - Significant person form history; Common App Personal essay

Millin Gabani 10 / 22 1  
Dec 19, 2012   #1
Topic --- Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence. (250-500 Words)

words in essay - 508

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"The Father of Digital Revolution" - Steve Jobs has been my paragon from past 9 years. I had become buff of him since I saw imprints of his personality in the movie - The Pirates of Silicon Valley in 2005.

Jobs is known as apotheosis of electronic products. He is widely recognized for his mastery in innovation and perfection in design in his products. He is also referred to as "legendary" and a "futurist" in many of magazines. I am highly inspired by his unique achievements in technology and creation of ideas and I am determined to achieve similar accomplishment in my engineering career.

Beside his inventions and technical advancements, his biography has also influenced me significantly in my life. Jobs was removed from his managerial duties in Apple Incorporation and thus he resigned from his own company. He started his journey again and founded NeXT Incorporation and made tremendous profit. When Apple Inc. faced economical crises, the board members of Apple Inc. called Steve Jobs back. He returned to Apple Inc. as an advisor, and took control over company as an interim CEO. Jobs brought Apple from near bankruptcy to profitability in just two years. I was stunned when I find these crises faced by Jobs. Jobs stated in a speech that being fired from apple was best thing that happened to him and then he explained that how the circumstances helped him to start his life again as a beginner which helped him to enter the most creative periods of his life.

His strong spirit and determination to look for positive points have encouraged me to face many aggravating and unmanageable situations by providing me the bright side of each situation and steps necessary to cope up with them. Jobs has become an paradigm for me to overcome almost all the circumstances.

At age of 12, in my grade 6, my grades in tests started to drop. I was worried about my final results as my performance in the test was decreasing significantly. I was baffled and could not find the reasons for decline of my grades. Frustration developed inside me by the mystery of falling grades. Despite of my extreme effort my grades did not improve. While thinking about my life's difficult position I remembered position of Steve Jobs in his life's crises. I realized that if a man can overcome such a vast depression, I can emphatically overcome this situation. I decided to take path of Jobs and start over again to find the capability I had to understand studies. My many concepts were cleared that I did not understood earlier, but it did not improve my grades as I was studying the course that need to be done earlier. It took me almost a year to level my grades and then I learned this skill to annihilate the mistakes I used to make earlier. In next two years I was among the top academic student of my class. Jobs not only changed my grades but he also gave me new perspective to live a life.

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Please provide me ideas how to shorten it ,also help me find grammar errors and provide good vocabulary need for this essay.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 22, 2012   #2
Good effort by Katev! : )

I had become buff of him since I saw imprints of his personality in the movie

I became an ardent admirer of him since I saw imprints of his personality in the movie....

I was stunned when I find these crises faced by Jobs.

I was stunned by his unshaken determination that turned a disaster into a great success.

It's good to have one or two quotes by Steve Jobs in your essay and show how they inspired you.
OP Millin Gabani 10 / 22 1  
Dec 23, 2012   #3
Thank you kativ and dumi. My writing is weak as I am from India and your help have allow me improve my essay.
This is what I have corrected not much just removed the grammatical errors.

Kativ and dumi, please evaluate my essay again to find any errors.

@kativ as suggested by I tried to increase my life's part in essay and reduce Steve's part but I was not able to do it, please provide me further details how to do so.

@kativ when chekin the essay now , please notice the (or .... ) type of brackets . The bracket provide an alternate word for the word preciding the bracket. Please guide me which to use , the one in bracket or the one outside it.
katev 18 / 120 24  
Dec 23, 2012   #4
It's much better than your first draft! Great job!
I'd be happy to review your essay again if you need more help! Sorry if I changed a lot, you don't have to change all of that, I just think it would help strengthen your essay!

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