UC Prompt #1- Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school -and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
First draft. Any feedback, advice, and corrections are VERY welcome. Thank You!
The Other Stoke
Nothing can replace the pure bliss I feel when I go windsurfing. For almost a third of my life I have been constantly windsurfing. It has become a part my world and defines much of who I am. To this day, I still love the satisfaction I get from the wind on my face, the weightlessness of the board beneath me, the force of the water rushing past my toes, and the sensation of becoming completely in tune with the rig. It is extremely euphoric. At the end of each session my body can't help but feel cool and ethereal from the same natural high that I experienced every time, the stoke.
It wasn't always like that. I once hated every aspect of windsurfing. Truthfully, I have always been clumsy and awkward with my movements. The first time I tried to windsurf was no exception, in fact, it was one of the most strenuous things I had ever attempted. No matter how many times I tried, I would always end up spending more time in the salt water than on my board. My first reaction was anger and resentment towards myself. Windsurfing was just another reminder of my collective failures.
Yet, overtime this difficulty is what made windsurfing stand out to me. I could not abandon what I had worked so hard to start. I felt compelled to perfect this empty gap I had created. My mind was drawn to pursuing the sails, the waves, the ocean. It became a challenge for me to learn and become not just a windsurfer, but a great windsurfer. I pursued it relentlessly, each failure became just another minuscule barrier that hindered me. One summer afternoon, when the sea water was still and a calm breeze blew, I did succeed. It was amazing to finally feel that all my effort and time had amounted to something.
As of right now I am a long shot away from becoming my envisioned perfect windsurfer. Actually, I am far away from achieving any of my perfect goals. However, if my time spent in the salt water taught me anything, it is that I will probably never truly reach my elusive dreams. I can only keep on striving and improving towards what I hope to one day achieve. I know constant effort is a long and arduous road. But this set of trials and errors is what gives excellence and perfection its high value. As unrealistic as my efforts may seem, it gives me joy to know that every time I get on that board and pull on my sail I am getting closer to my dreams, constantly searching for the other stoke.
I would say instead of telling the audience about how much windsurfing means to you, show them. Paint the picture in their minds and evoke all the senses of what its like to be at the ocean etc. I would show them how you feel more rather than just telling them too. For example "It was amazing to finally feel that all my effort and time had amounted to something." should convey true emotion what was it like? Make the reader feel like they were you.
overtime as one word means... like... working overtime.
In your essay, use 2 words: over time. like, over the course of time.
I think you should condense this whole thing into one good paragraph, and then end the essay with a reflective paragraph that talks about your chosen career in terms of windsurfing. Can you find that fulfillment in your chosen field? Make room to tell them about the "person you have becme"
