Stony Brook Essay- "Human compassion is a healing salve."

"Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician (or dentist) and tell us about the experiences that you have had which have helped to shape this ideal."

Human compassion is a remarkable healing salve. As Maimonides once said, "The physician should not treat the disease but the patient who is suffering from it." His words sketch the beginning lines of a portrait -that of an ideal physician.

The ideal doctor is one who is confident and empathetic. His/her confidence should give me confidence. He/she should try to understand what I am feeling and communicate that understanding to me. He/she should be caring, compassionate and personal. His interest in me should be more than just a patient, remembering me as an individual.

As I list the characteristics, I add broad strokes to my painting. Adding detail with each light line, the portrait comes together to form the image of my uncle, a doctor in Afghanistan. He encouraged my love for medicine and inspired me to become a doctor. As a child, I would visit my family in Afghanistan every summer, crossing into the country over its shared border with Pakistan. We would be welcomed with open arms, bombarded with sloppy kisses and comforting hugs. The village was always roused with our arrival. The days afterwards were always a haze of celebration, as family after family came to greet us. We would be reintroduced to our small rural village and simultaneously to Afghan culture. After settling in, I would accompany my uncle to the city most days, tagging along as he went to work in the hospital. I would sit in his office as he meet with patient after patient. He would listen to their problems, a soothing smile on his face. A calm word here and an empathetic touch there would alleviate their worries. While forthright in his manner, telling the patients what they needed to know in plain language, his compassion would shine through in his tone of voice. His character was, according to Hippocrates, the "Father of Modern Medicine", "that of a gentleman, and, as such, honorable and kindly towards all."

In 2004, our visit was marred by a bombing near the hospital. There with my uncle when it happened, I watched as streams of victims were brought in to be treated. As I saw my care for the child victims of the bombing, I was astonished by how his warm words offered just as much panacea as his medicinal treatments. His ability to convey that genuine confidence and concern made him a truly ideal doctor, a standard every doctor should aspire to.

I'm not sure whether the ending is abrupt or not. Please help. Any criticism is welcome.

First of all what is the prompt?


You really messed up the parallelism here. Make that his/her rather than just His.

I don't really understand the connection between your first paragraph and the second one.


make it "to the Afghan culture"


It is "as he met with patient after patient"


You just changed from singular to plural there. "patient after patient" and then you just referred to them as "their." so just change "patient after patient" to patients. It will sound much better and also will be in accordance with the tense (their).


Did you mean to say "While forthright in this manner"? or "his"? because if it is his then it doesn't make any sense.


Comma goes inside the quotes.


This is kinda awkward try rephrasing it completely.

Overall it is a fairly good essay. I think you should add more to the conclusion as well as the introduction as I cannot see any connection. I am just being candid. I am not a professional but just offered some help.

Good Luck! :)