I recently wrote an essay for my college application, however, it is 79 words over the word count limit, and I'm not quite sure what to delete. Furthermore, I'm sure there are plenty of grammatical and punctuation errors I need pointers on! Below is the topic:
As I stood in the murky spotlight on that scuffed wooden stage behind a podium just a few inches shy of towering over my head, my heart beat with fright at the unpredictability of the next few minutes. This was quickly followed by a rush of independence and pride. Suddenly, the vast auditorium fell silent; the spotlight hindered my vision of the audience, and the dark room seemed to extend to the ends of the earth. Glancing down, I cleared my throat, while my heart accelerated to what felt an unbearable pace, and said, "Hi, my name is Amy Ewald, and I'm the President of Student Council. Over the past year, we have all shared many memories, so let's take a stroll down memory lane..."
For the next six minutes, I was forced to find a comfort zone, somewhere amongst the ever expanding darkness of a room filled with hundreds of soon to be 5th grade graduates and their parents, all eager to celebrate this special day. Personally, the extensive preparation, along with the overwhelming experience of that day, changed me.
As I battled the nerves while on stage, I found myself inspired, motivated, and moved to a new level of determination. Simply put, I surprised myself. While standing in the spotlight, I was in awe of the invigorating feeling that overcame me; and flattered by having the privilege to stand before my peers as an example of leadership. At that moment it was clear to me what I desired for my future. I decided that rather than sit comfortably amongst the majority, in the dimly lit congregation of life, I aspired to stand before them, on the brightly illuminated stage of the successful and accomplished. I made a pact with myself following that experience; it was then I decided I would do whatever it took to be in the front row, on stage, the one standing before my peers. To me, this promise meant that I would refuse to settle for anything less than my full potential; I would always put forth my greatest effort to deliver my best product. Furthermore, I committed myself to apply my childhood discovery to more than simply my academic career; to have an influence extending farther than just my peers; in hopes of achieving my dream of becoming a doctor. Just as my eagerness to attain my goals has not ceased, neither will my determination in the medical field; I intend to strive for excellence in diagnosing, curing, caring for, and understanding my patients.
Though nearly seven years ago, my passion for success still burns with the same intensity and it will only grow as I continue my race to the finish line of my career. My inner drive refuses to allow me to become another face in the crowd. I firmly believe that my dedication and diligence will contribute to the Gator Nation, not only through my personal accomplishments, but also by my becoming a positive academic role model.
^We have no idea what your essay is, what it discusses, and which parts are superfluous and can be removed. So unless you post an essay, it is actually IMPOSSIBLE for us to tell you which parts of your essay can do with removal since we do not know, anything, let alone a sentence, of your essay.
The entire first sentence can be shortened drastically.
Also you can remove superfluous words which in the long run make a big difference.
As I battled the nerves while on stage, I found myself inspired, motivated,
I battled my nerves on stage...instead of "while on stage"
At that moment it was clear to me what I desired for my future
At that moment my future looked clear to me.
Or
At that moment my desires for my future were clear to me.
I made a pact with myself following that experience; it was then I decided I would do whatever
These two sentences are repetitious...you could use one - either
I made a pact with myself following that experience
OR
it was then I decided
Adjectives are great and they have a purpose, but you can do sooooo much more with verbs. Mark
Twain was of the opinion that all adjectives ought to be killed outright, on the spot. So, read through and delete about half of them, and change the verbs to reflect the difference. That ought to get you close.
Okay thank you for your help.
This was actually the edited version, containing 497 words, just enough to get me by. However, I am questioning the topic, and was wondering if you thought this would do, or if I should consider re-writing it?
