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"Don't Stop Believing" prompt 1 UC transfer

sh0gunb0y 1 / -  
Nov 22, 2010   #1
Prompt #1: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Ever since when I was a little boy, my mom always took me to temple every weekend to listen to the monks and their prayers, and these did not only teach me how to be a generous person but also help building a strong belief in myself. And one day, one of the monks asked me what I would want to do when I grow up. I without a doubt responded back that I wanted to find all the cures for different diseases. The belief and idea of saving life ignited my dream and I swore to myself that someday I would become a great biochemist.

A few weeks ago, I attended the "Twenty First Annual Walk for AIDS Silicon Valley." It was a fundraising event, and I was amazed by the thousands of people who showed up for the three hour long walk. Despite the cold rainy day, children, teens, adults and even elderly people gathered together and wore their different t-shirts with their red ribbon symbol, a symbol of awareness of AIDS, to participle in the walk. Everyone was excited about this; I could hear the yells, the shouts and see the smiles on everyone's face. This excitement made the atmosphere became a friendly warm heat rather than the usual itchy wet and cold feeling during this season. There were people who actually had AIDS themselves and participated in this walk also. Despite the deadly diseases in their bodies, they kept walking forward under the heavy rain. Those people who had AIDS are still fighting the disease and haven't given up the light of hope. This made me feel useless for a moment and I thought to myself "If only I was a biochemist, I would try my best to help these people." The thought kept haunting me while walking beside them and then my heart sink when they smiled at me and said "Thank you." "Why would they thank me?" I started questioning myself because honestly I hadn't done anything to help. The feeling was inconsolable and I wished I could find a word to say instead of just smiling back at them. This experiment was really heartfelt for me and made me want to pursue my career dream more than ever before. Inspirations by these people taught me don't stop believing in the cure of AIDS or any unstoppable illness diseases. Don't stop believing when there isn't any hope and keep fighting until the end. Don't stop believing in my career dream that one day I will become a biochemist. Don't stop believing especially in myself because only me, myself and I can make the difference through self-determination.

conclusion here

Please read and be brutal criticism
I couldn't come up with the conclusion so an advice would be nice
thanks and have nice day

isrademo 1 / 2  
Nov 23, 2010   #2
I think you need to state your point more clearly. You are narrating an experience which is good, but I mean your goal to be a biochemist didnt come from the AIDS event you attended did it?? It must have had come before that. What about biology, chemistry classes??? What was it from those classes that got you to set your career in biochemistry?? What is is you enjoyed the most from them?

You are skipping a great part of your life, which is how your election developed. For example: you started with telling the monk that one day you will be a biochemist but then you only turn back to it just a couple weeks ago(AIDS event). What happened during all the time in between?

For example in high school? any work experience or club involvement related in the field would be great to add.

You are kind of going from one all the way to 5 withouth explaining 2,3 and 4. do you know what I mean?
By the way if you can read mine and comment on it I would really appreciate it. I definetly need feedback as well. Thank You (P.S Im also applying to UC as transfer)

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