Hi guys, I've already sent in my apps and everything (discovered this a little late :P) but I'd love anyone's opinion: you're impression of it, what I should've done to change it, whether or not it gave you an impression of who I am, etc. Thanks in advance!
Prompt:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their
application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
"Please stop crying," I begged silently in my mind as I stared at my mother. Looking away, I tried to face my new reality. My family, my safe-haven, was now splintered and broken. I was in shock, yet my mind raced to comprehend. Why would he leave us? In that moment, at the age of eleven, sitting on the bed, my mother holding me as tears ran down her face - I felt broken. That night marked one of the lowest points in my life, and I could not be more thankful.
After he left, with no more than a note and a "you're on your own", I discovered that our family hadn't been as picturesque as I'd thought. My father left us with hundreds of dollars in debt and months of unpaid mortgage payments. Because my mother's pay check was insufficient, we had no choice but to sell our home and move into an apartment; at which point my father miraculously reappeared to take his share of the profits. Most embarrassing was borrowing money from family members. Asking for hand-outs made our grim and desolate situation all the more apparent.
What followed was the classic tale of "deadbeat dad". He flitted in and out of the picture, each time making our lives chaotic. From court battles over custody and failed child-support checks, to forced visitations, he found endless ways to interfere with our lives. The visits were strained to say the least. As my father had remarried, weeks after divorcing my mother, and had moved in with his new wife, we had been expected to stay with their family. These visits were a source of torment for my sister and I: our stepmother would make us miserable. From barely veiled comments about weight, to out right lashing at us, we were her personal punching bags. Being a budding teenager, her words did nothing for my self-esteem. Perhaps most disappointing was how my father handled the situation. Instead of acknowledging his faults, he tried to cover them up with gifts and toys. Worse yet, he tried to poison us against our mother, insisting she was the reason he did not visit, did not call.
I am grateful for these events despite the hardship. Each trial and tribulation made me the person I am today. The experience brought me infinitely closer to my mother; through every court battle and struggle to make ends meet, she remained strong and optimistic. She gave me the tenacity, the grit, to attack any problem with the knowledge that you can succeed if you work hard. She made me realize that women can be extremely strong when put to the test. Seeing her triumph against all odds showed me I can succeed in any field, that my gender is not a hindrance. My past experiences also made me adaptable, I now approach each difficulty with a plan in mind, but knowing things can change in a second. Surprisingly, I learned to have a positive outlook because despite how desperate our situation got, we survived and were stronger for it. I believe that not all bad things come to hurt us; sometimes they come to help us grow, mature, and become better versions of ourselves.
Finally, my past experiences made me realize the importance of education. My mother always says "they can take anything from you, but not what's in your head"; surviving our situation is a testament to that. Without her education we'd undoubtedly have ended up on welfare. Her Master's degree helped secure a job and support us through adversity. I realize continuing on to college means both studying something I love, and securing myself in the future.
My past, though challenging, helped shape my values and beliefs as a person and a student. So, looking back at that moment, I smile because it was the catalyst for a change in the right direction.
This is my original work and I do not give permission for it to be used for any other purposes. Thanks again!
I'd tend not to get into a discussion about content on a sensitive topic. Usually, I would point out some issues you need to address, but forbearing an analysis of these issues makes sense because there are several outright errors.
1. Contractions: I discovered ... had not ... as I had thought. Without her education we would ...
2. Word confusion: Because...paycheck ; Asking...handouts ; From barely veiled comments...outright
3. Redundancy: My past experiences (occurs twice).
4. Bad/incorrect sentence structure: Being a budding teenager, her words?? (misplaced modifier: her words are not a budding teenager) did nothing for my self-esteem. I believe that not all bad things come to hurt us; sometimes they come to help us grow, mature, and become better versions of ourselves (inconsistent list).
5. Miscellaneous: Seeing her triumph against all odds showed me I cancould succeed in any field... These visits were a source of torment for my sister and Ime (oxforddictionaries.com/us/words/i-or-me) . My mother always says, "they can..." Without her education, we would...Because ..., we had no choice ... apartment ; (a semicolon is not right here; find a suitable solution/substitution) at which point my father miraculously reappeared to take his share of the profits.
