Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.
Dear roommate,
First of all, if you're not from around here, then don't worry, I'm not either. Let's make this place our new home together. But if you are, then I hope you could help me settle down around here. I may not be your dream roommate, but I'll assure you that I'll try my best to be the best roommate you could ever wish for. Maybe once in a while you'd find sushi on your side table, or maybe some delicious Malay food. Oh by the way, you've probably guessed it! I'm half Malay and half Japanese, and if you happen to speak in Mandarin, then lucky you! I can speak in Mandarin, Malay, Japanese and English. I'm actually a neat freak, but don't worry, it won't affect you in any way, because I would only go crazy if my stuffs are disordered. You can enjoy your side of the room as you wish. I'm the kind of person that respects people privacy so don't worry about having some nosy roommate poking around your stuffs. The first time you meet me, I bet you'll judge me as this quiet timid girl. But that's just the beginning, I'm shy at first, but once you get to know me, you won't stop laughing when you're in the room. So that's a few stuffs about me, I can't wait to finally meet you future roommate!
Sincerely,
Elena
I know it's not perfect yet, please comment so that I can edit it later and make it better :) Thanks!
What I see of you from this letter: you have a diverse background, you speak 4 languages, you are neat and like things to be organized, you respect others' privacy, you're shy at first but you have a sense of humor. But all of these are what you tell us, not show us. I don't see why I should believe you just by reading these words. I just see you as an average person (other than the fact that you're quad-lingual, which I am sure you have indicated in the "Languages" section of the Common App). I even realize a weakness of yours, and if your roommate happened to be a prankster, he/she'd probably try to mess your stuff up so you'd go crazy! I don't see a real person. I think you should show them what you are through real situations like how you place your stuff and the order of things you do in the morning or something like that.
Okay, thanks a lot for your comment!
but I'll assure you should be replaced with-but i assure you
Maybe once in a while you'd find sushi on your side table, or maybe some delicious Malay food.---This sentence introduces incoherence in the paragraph; it needs a proper transition. For instance you could begin with-However i can't promise that you won't find your side table littered with sushi or some delicious Malay food from time to time , which is one vice of mine that i feel you should know about sooner rather than later.
then lucky you!---replace YOU with US
if my stuffs are disordered----it should be STUFF not STUFFS
I'm the kind of person that respects people---replace THAT with WHO and write People's rather than People
But that's just the beginning,---replace this with--But that's just at the beginning since i am shy at first
It's a decent essay but you must make it stand out among the thousands of other, similar essays that they are bound to receive.Thus i suggest you try and give the essay a more spirited and fun vibe, and maybe introduce your roommate to a unique idiosyncrasy of yours...it's this sort of stuff that adcoms usually remember in such prompts.If you can make youself stand out in your little habits and delberations from the others in this essay, you will make your essay much more distinguishable and unique realtive to the other ones.I agree with jaydenn that you are simply telling us stuff rather than showing it.For instance, don't explicitly state that you are a neat freak;describe a future experience that you will probably share with ur roommate that displays this trait of yours. You could even attempt to introduce a bit of humour into this essay by saying something like,for instance, that u can't go to sleep unless you have arranged all your books in alphabetical order on the shelves. You don't have to use this example; i am just trying to show u how u can display ur traits through ur actions rather than simply state the trait.
"Let's make this place our new home together." You should place this after "But if you are, then I hope you could help me settle down around here." because even if they're from the area, their dorm is still going to be a new home
