The store as a reflection of the world - Williams essay - looking through a window...

Prompt:
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

The window is dirty. It's little wonder, since we don't wash it often. Anyways, I peek in like I always do after school. I watch customers grab their necessities - chips, gum, socks, canned foods, ice cream, coke - anything, really. They line up, awkwardly shuffling past each other because of the beef jerky rack in the middle of the aisle. I've told my mother countless times that she should move it, but she insists on putting it there. "More people see it that way," she tells me. "They see, they buy." She is now ringing the money into the cash register. "Foh dollahs an' fifty-fife cents."

This was Crown Mart, the little convenience store my parents used to own. It was in the middle of downtown Toronto, so we get all kinds of people - white-collar workers purchasing cigarettes, gamblers returning for their tenth bingo card, tourists shopping for last-minute souvenirs, drunkards from the bar next door not buying anything. Barely tall enough to see past the counter, I used to wonder at the different people passing through the store: their attire, attitude, language. They even smell different.

Years later, I realized what I witnessed in the store was a reflection of the world: a world of widening wealth gaps, where consumerism takes center-stage while problems like poverty become increasingly pressing. I'll always think back to the little convenience store where I spent my childhood, to the people coming in and out: these global issues impact the lives of those around me. At Williams, I will expand my knowledge and interest in the interconnected political and social factors that influence our lives. I'm not sure where exactly this passion will take me, but I know it will lead me to understand and help someone in some way. And for me, that's enough.

Every Williams esssay I have read till now seems to be good, this being no exception.
You make you point clear throughout. Good Work!
Last para : "where consumerism takes center-stage while problems like poverty become increasingly pressing"...it should either be "problem like poverty" or "problems like poverty and ..."

"I ll always think back..". Make it I often think of ...Dont you think of it now?

these global issues impact the lives of those around me
Cut this part...it makes you sound as if you are trying too hard.

PS: I am also a Williams candidate...my essays are out here as well

It's little wonder, since we don't wash it often.
What do you mean by this line?? Maybe you could clarify it a bit?

I've told my mother countless times that she should move it, but she insists on putting it there.

Shift in tense...nothing major :)

overall...its a solid essay...Good luck!

Does this make it clearer?
The window is dirty. That's not surprising, since we don't wash it often.

I guess the second sentence isn't really that important in the paragraph, but the tone I want to set for the essay is a casual, story-telling one, and I thought that sentence does it well. Inputs?

thanks for reading through it :)

Yes! I like that much better...and the "story-telling" totally works for this prompt! Great job...Personally I think this is a scoring essay.

how about something like salarymen purchasing cigarettes after their long day at work? I don't really see connection of white-collar workers and cigarettes..


we got all kinds of customers


language? you mean the languages they speak? maybe you should explain more on that.. and how you know what language they speak..


I liked the very last sentence of your essay, but I didn't particularly like the sentence that came before that, the sentence I quoted. 'I'm not sure' part makes the rest of the essay less "important," if you know what I mean.

But otherwise, I loved the general feel of the essay, very smooth and warm. I think Williams will like this essay

I would really appreciate it if you comment on mine too :)

I meant it as their way of speech, the way they talk.

I realize that it can be unclear...do you have any suggestions as to how I should change it?

And I will read your essay now :)

Oh.. now I understand. Like you said, "way of speaking" or even "accent" or "dialect" or "use of language"... could work.

and I just want to add something


So you were interested in their attire, attitude, and language? A little awkward, if the sentence stands by itself.. Can you explain further about why?

i reread this essay...i now understand the ending...and i really like it actually! you tell of your prospective changed and matured...that is a big plus.

I like your depiction, very meticulous and interesting. Only one suggestion, but is the major one, how does your essay developed? Your end point is very good, and your shift of perspective is significant. So you can try more to make the shift of the point more smoothly, now it seems to be elevated suddenly.