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The store as a reflection of the world - Williams essay - looking through a window...


swuvvy 7 / 20  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
Prompt:
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

The window is dirty. It's little wonder, since we don't wash it often. Anyways, I peek in like I always do after school. I watch customers grab their necessities - chips, gum, socks, canned foods, ice cream, coke - anything, really. They line up, awkwardly shuffling past each other because of the beef jerky rack in the middle of the aisle. I've told my mother countless times that she should move it, but she insists on putting it there. "More people see it that way," she tells me. "They see, they buy." She is now ringing the money into the cash register. "Foh dollahs an' fifty-fife cents."

This was Crown Mart, the little convenience store my parents used to own. It was in the middle of downtown Toronto, so we get all kinds of people - white-collar workers purchasing cigarettes, gamblers returning for their tenth bingo card, tourists shopping for last-minute souvenirs, drunkards from the bar next door not buying anything. Barely tall enough to see past the counter, I used to wonder at the different people passing through the store: their attire, attitude, language. They even smell different.

Years later, I realized what I witnessed in the store was a reflection of the world: a world of widening wealth gaps, where consumerism takes center-stage while problems like poverty become increasingly pressing. I'll always think back to the little convenience store where I spent my childhood, to the people coming in and out: these global issues impact the lives of those around me. At Williams, I will expand my knowledge and interest in the interconnected political and social factors that influence our lives. I'm not sure where exactly this passion will take me, but I know it will lead me to understand and help someone in some way. And for me, that's enough.
Wanderer_x 5 / 88  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
Every Williams esssay I have read till now seems to be good, this being no exception.
You make you point clear throughout. Good Work!
Last para : "where consumerism takes center-stage while problems like poverty become increasingly pressing"...it should either be "problem like poverty" or "problems like poverty and ..."

"I ll always think back..". Make it I often think of ...Dont you think of it now?

these global issues impact the lives of those around me
Cut this part...it makes you sound as if you are trying too hard.

PS: I am also a Williams candidate...my essays are out here as well
sadhvi010 3 / 18  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
It's little wonder, since we don't wash it often.
What do you mean by this line?? Maybe you could clarify it a bit?

I've told my mother countless times that she should move it, but she insists on putting it there.

Shift in tense...nothing major :)

overall...its a solid essay...Good luck!
OP swuvvy 7 / 20  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
Does this make it clearer?
The window is dirty. That's not surprising, since we don't wash it often.

I guess the second sentence isn't really that important in the paragraph, but the tone I want to set for the essay is a casual, story-telling one, and I thought that sentence does it well. Inputs?

thanks for reading through it :)
sadhvi010 3 / 18  
Dec 23, 2009   #5
Yes! I like that much better...and the "story-telling" totally works for this prompt! Great job...Personally I think this is a scoring essay.
sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 23, 2009   #6
white-collar workers purchasing cigarettes

how about something like salarymen purchasing cigarettes after their long day at work? I don't really see connection of white-collar workers and cigarettes..

It was in the middle of downtown Toronto, so we get all kinds of people

we got all kinds of customers

their attire, attitude, language

language? you mean the languages they speak? maybe you should explain more on that.. and how you know what language they speak..

I'm not sure where exactly this passion will take me, but I know it will lead me to understand and help someone in some way.

I liked the very last sentence of your essay, but I didn't particularly like the sentence that came before that, the sentence I quoted. 'I'm not sure' part makes the rest of the essay less "important," if you know what I mean.

But otherwise, I loved the general feel of the essay, very smooth and warm. I think Williams will like this essay

I would really appreciate it if you comment on mine too :)
OP swuvvy 7 / 20  
Dec 24, 2009   #7
language? you mean the languages they speak? maybe you should explain more on that.. and how you know what language they speak..

I meant it as their way of speech, the way they talk.

I realize that it can be unclear...do you have any suggestions as to how I should change it?

And I will read your essay now :)
sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 24, 2009   #8
Oh.. now I understand. Like you said, "way of speaking" or even "accent" or "dialect" or "use of language"... could work.

and I just want to add something

I used to wonder at the different people passing through the store: their attire, attitude, language. They even smell different.

So you were interested in their attire, attitude, and language? A little awkward, if the sentence stands by itself.. Can you explain further about why?
sadhvi010 3 / 18  
Dec 24, 2009   #9
i reread this essay...i now understand the ending...and i really like it actually! you tell of your prospective changed and matured...that is a big plus.
dingpx - / 11  
Dec 26, 2009   #10
I like your depiction, very meticulous and interesting. Only one suggestion, but is the major one, how does your essay developed? Your end point is very good, and your shift of perspective is significant. So you can try more to make the shift of the point more smoothly, now it seems to be elevated suddenly.


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