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A story from your life, showing an experience that demonstrates your character or helped to shape it

teddyz 3 / 6 1  
Nov 1, 2020   #1

College personal statement

Directions: Tell a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.

There I stood conflicted on whether or not to fight for my own thoughts and beliefs or to continue being the obedient "little girl" people wanted me to be. Throughout my life growing up I was told by many people around me that I am too young to be able to form my own opinion and that why won't I be a little obedient girl and just stay quiet. Over the countless years of hearing people around me telling me these things the more, I started to believe in it, and the more I started to lose my voice and became that obedient little girl they wanted me to be.

Eventually when I started attending school these ideas that people had ingrained in me greatly affected me throughout my school journey, for I believed that if I were to ask anyone for help or stated something that I believed was right or wrong that I would be yelled at and judged by my peers and teachers. For the longest time, I stayed silent in school hoping that I would continue to have acceptance from my peers and teachers, but because of me staying silent I would often find myself being placed in undesirable situations when it came to trying to complete an assignment that I had no idea on how to do. As I grew older and continued my educational journey in school there was one thing I started to notice and that is that many of my peers around me both female and male would many times state their own thoughts and opinions and to my utter surprise they would not be judged by others and be casted as an outcast but instead people would demonstrate respect towards that person's opinions. The more and more I saw this happening the more I started to question the idea that people around me had ingrained into my head, and that is when I started to question myself on whether or not my opinion really does matter.

One day as I came back from school I noticed two adults that I had grown up with as a child talking about conspiracy theories about the government. One of the adults, seeing me pass by started talking to me about how the government wants to kill people through vaccines. There I stood awkwardly contemplating weather or not I should tell the person what I believed or just stay silent and agree with them so they would not yell at me for talking back, but after a few minutes of hearing what they had to say I grew annoyed knowing that their points where not logical and without knowing I abruptly blurted out "But your points make no sense why would the government do something like that?"

Seeing the facial expressions of the two adults and noticing what I just said out loud I started to immediately regret what I just said and before I was able to apologize, one of them asked me why I believed that. Startled I answered their question realising that there is no way out of the situation I placed myself in. Although, at first I was filled with fear of what reactions are going to come from the adults due to my different point of view on the topic, I soon discovered that that fear slowly transformed into enjoyment the more I talked with them. Before we knew it, it became late and all of us left with no one becoming belligerent at each other due to our conflicting views. At that moment seeing how the conversation went, it was the moment that finally allowed me to break free from those ideas taught to me so long ago; thus, allowing that quiet obedient girl everyone knew to finally find her voice again and ever since then she never allowed anyone to take it away from her again.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15043 4827  
Nov 1, 2020   #2
There is too much backstory and not enough actual story in the essay. You did not get to the point until the last paragraph. Which is very bad for this essay. Remember the main requirement: "describe an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped shape it." While you do need the backstory, it should not be the main focus of the essay. If you compare this presentation to a circle, it only came halfway around rather than coming full circle. To fix it, you need to open with the discussion, then go to the backstory explaining why you surprised yourself, then close with the description of how you and your companions did not notice the time as the vaccine issue was discussed. That will help bring the presentation full circle. By the way, you have several grammar range and sentence structure issues in this essay that need professional editing. You have several misspelled words that also affect the quality of your presentation. You should be able to clean up those errors once you revise and edit the content of the essay based on my instructions.

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