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Story from your life - University of Washington Essay; "myopic"


askelliott 4 / 8 1  
Dec 1, 2012   #1
I NEED A CONCLUSION. and also this exceeds the word count if that matters so if there's anywhere that needs to be cut out than please do it.

This essay was written in an hour flat so criticize all you want (:

1. Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.

One word that describes my past personality would be "myopic". The word in its literal definition means nearsighted, but symbolically that word transcended the many numerous experiences of my life that have shaped who I am today. What I mean by that is that during my years of becoming a teenager, I was very close-minded, only perceiving things that were set before me. I was simply improvident with my future, and with that my life began to take a noticeable toll. It was not until the crisis of the summer of 2010 that allowed me to realize that this shortsighted mindset was not suitable for my future.

My parents have been married for 22 years and I have always revered them for staying together for so long. The majority of my friends' parents were divorced, and I was grateful that their problems never adhered to me, or so I thought until the summer going into my junior year. After unsuccessful attempts in starting a business, my father had finally taken the job offered to him by a company in California. My mom began living as a single mom for the next 3 years, caring for her 3 sons. My father seldom visited GA at most maybe 3 times a year. Though it was never much of a deal to me to not have a father figure, I never took in the fact that it was significantly affecting my mom. While we were beginning to feel fatherless, my mother was husbandless. She put up a façade daily, acting as if she was fine, but there were times when I heard my mother cry in her closet all night. My mom and I were experts at keeping away from each other's affairs so I simply never conversed with her about her late night cries.

My dad would always tell us that he'd bring us to California but it never happened and we began doubting my dad's motives. But finally, during the summer, my dad had finalized the preparations of our move to CA, his goal: to mend our family back together. His goal seemed promising since we'd all soon be under the same roof once again until the unthinkable happened. My father approached me informing me of a secret affair between my mother and another man. His whole purpose to "mend" our family back together seemed futile now.

The inevitable started beginning with talks turning into yells, and questions turning into fights. Through the chaos, I was forced to abandon my "myopic" persona and to prepare for the future. I was unsure what would happen to my family if my parents were to go through their divorce. I prepared for the worst, informing my brothers of what was going on. During those awful nights, I had to assume a strong leadership role for my younger brothers so they would not succumb to the doubts and thoughts of the last word we ever wanted to hear, divorce. Though my parents' situation was disheartening, my relationship with my brothers grew unimaginably closer. I began realizing the benefits of abandoning my initial "myopic" interpretations of life. I felt more attentive and more prioritized with my future.

As time progressed, my parents' relationship began digressing rapidly. Dad slept out in the car, mom slept inside. When Dad walked beside my mom, the act of "holding hands" became nonexistent. The imminent signing of legal papers seemed closer than ever. But as soon as school started, my parents began to speak softer to each other. The absence of a yell, which was a luxury before, seemed to take place in our household. My father had given my mom one last chance and my mom took that opportunity to rebuild the marriage they once had. With time and counseling, my parents began to accept their past as the past and move on towards their new life in California. What was an almost "divorce" soon turned back into the relationship I had formerly admired.

From this climax in my life, I was able to learn the values of being a leader as well as the values of keeping a family together. I realized the disadvantages of being myopic so with the abandonment of that insight, I became shaped to someone who was
AllenPalin - / 1  
Dec 2, 2012   #2
Deadline is extended until Monday at 5:00 P.M

" My dad worked hard so that we could move to California and finally, during the summer, my dad had finalized the preparations of our move to California, his goal: to mend our family back together "

It think is that is too long. Can you try to make more sentence from this?

You know its 681 words ? You need to cut some out to make it 650.

I am too applying and working on my essay for uw too xD
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 2, 2012   #3
My mom began living as a single mom for the next 3 years, caring for her 3 sons.

Well.... "single mom" ? How about;
My mom had to struggle alone for the next three years taking care of her three sons.

father figure

... I feel "fatherly figure" is better

My dad would always tell us that he'd bringtake us to California

... he the one who was away... so he should take you all there :)

My father approached me informingwhispered me of a secret affair between my mother and another man.

During those awful nights, I had to assume a strong leadership role for my younger brothers so they would not succumb to the doubts and thoughts of the last word we ever wanted to hear, divorce.

I think you need to have a more emotional word there.... leadership sounds more technical .... how about;
During those awful nights, I had to stand strong taking care of my siblings so that they would not break down.
OP askelliott 4 / 8 1  
Dec 2, 2012   #4
AllenPalin
When we finally sold our house, my dad took us to California. His goal was to mend our family back together, which seemed promising since we'd all soon be under the same roof once again.

does that sound any better? and right now its at 649 cause i cut some down hah
thank god for the extension haha

also does my essay seem to flow or even make sense?


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