Any criticism would be much appreciated.
Experiential Learning (if applicable)
Describe your involvement in research, artistic endeavors, and work (paid or volunteer), as they have contributed to your academic, career or personal goals.
Additional Comments (optional)
Do you have a compelling academic or personal need to attend the University of Washington-Seattle at this time? Is there anything else you would like us to know?
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Becoming the first person in my family to attend college has been a difficult journey. I come from a family that has been overcome by addiction and poverty. During the first six years of my life, I had been homeless twice and taken away from my mother by child protective services for a period of time. It was not an easy task for my mom to raise two kids on a single paycheck. My father was in jail and not providing support. Eventually my mom met a man, and we moved in with him.
For the next eight years, life was better. Not wanting to repeat the past, I was motivated and excelled in school. My plan was to go to college on a full academic scholarship. I was doing everything right to meet my goal. To continue towards my goal, I decided that I would enroll in the International Baccalaureate (IB) program. Things began well, but shortly into my freshman year of high school, everything changed. My mom's boyfriend told us that we had to get out.
We found an apartment near my high school, but that did not last long. My mom fell behind on rent, and a few months later we were homeless again. I was fifteen at the time, and I had been working for a year. My mom needed help, and I couldn't provide the help she needed working twenty hours a week at Orange Julius. Child labor laws prevented Orange Julius from giving me more hours. I found a place that would disregard those laws and began working there. They provided me the hours I needed to help support my family. That came at a steep price though.
On a typical day, I would get home from school and then go straight to work. After work I would get home and sleep for a few hours before I had to wake up and do it again. My school work began to suffer. I had lost sight of my dreams. Work was more important. Then, I dropped out of the IB program. My grades continued to slide. I used class time to catch up on sleep, and I quit doing homework. The only reason I was still passing, was because I performed well on exams.
During my senior year, it hit me what had happened over the three years prior. I had to do something to get back on track. After a conversation with my father, I visited a local Navy recruiter. He talked to me about the Montgomery GI Bill. I learned that for a small commitment, I could have my college paid for. I went in and took the ASVAB. I scored 96 out of 99. This opened up many more opportunities for me. I chose to join the Navy's nuclear power program. This would give me the training I needed for the private sector nuclear power industry, and I still had the option of the GI Bill.
I did extremely well in the nuclear power program. The schooling is considered to be one of the most rigorous programs in the military, but I was able to maintain a 3.4 GPA. During that time I learned a lot about self-discipline and study. I matured greatly and was able to use those lessons to succeed where I had failed at before. I was able to balance work and school. As a result, I was able to get my Associate in Science degree from Vincennes University while still working full-time.
Now that my time in the Navy is coming to an end, I am ready to begin another adventure. I hope that adventure begins at the University of Washington. Being stationed in Bremerton, Washington, I have fallen in love with the Pacific Northwest. From the beautiful rain forests and mountains to the exciting life of downtown Seattle, there is always something fun to do.
As a nuclear mechanic in the Navy, I have become very interested in mechanical engineering. I feel that with my experience and the right education, I could do very well in the industry. University of Washington's mechanical engineering program is the best in the area that I have fallen in love with, which makes it the obvious choice for me. I feel that University of Washington provides me with the best opportunity to become successful in the mechanical engineering field, where I would like to have a career in research and development. I am ready to enter mechanical engineering now.
I also believe that I can be an asset to University of Washington. Not only can I contribute to UW's standard of academic excellence, but I can pass on the lessons I've learned in the military to other students. I can be a class leader and an example to follow. I want to help everyone succeed. If I am accepted to University of Washington, it will be mutually beneficial and I can finish the journey that I began long ago.
Justin.... Really strong story and strong essay. It makes an impact and definitely catches the eye. But the only problem, I felt was this was a laundry list.
I did this...
This happened....
Then i did this....
See, i may be a little harsh here but I feel your ruining a great essay. Let's see your essay which has a story of a boy who can be a leader, a scholar, and an asset to the college show clearly without saying it. Add more personal touch of growing up. Some feel to the essay. This I guess, no one can tell what to write but you and I am sure you can do it.
Your story is powerful but the essay is jerky. Re-work it and post it up. A little more feel to this and this will be future selected essay. :) Good Luck.
Becoming the first person in my family to attend college
It's just my opinion, but I think this is a cliche. This is a bad cliche, too... it has strange implications, and I don't think it is good. If you want to mention it, do not make it such a central issue. You can mention that your parents and their parents did not get to attend, but don't make it the first sentence of the essay.
Eventually my mom met a man, and we moved in with him. ---- this sentence should be changed. It occupies an important position at the end of the first paragraph, and it should be about something central to the message of the whole essay.
You write well! I just wanted to make those 2 suggestions, which I think are very important.
