Today at school, I asked Math, English, Science, History, and Spanish to the school dance; five of the most popular girls in school. Their responses?
"E=N-O squared!" said Math.
"Yeah. I can't. I have plans with Chaucer that night." said English.
"I'm sorry, but I just don't think the chemistry's there," said Science.
"Did you cross the Delaware? Didn't think so. No." said History.
And Spanish? Well, she had some pretty choice words for me. None of which were in English, but by the anger in her voice, I can only assume it was something along the lines of <<ĄAy, no!>>.
Well, that went well.
I just don't understand. What did I do to deserve all five no's? I thought we all were so close!
After the initial sting of rejection, I asked each of the girls why.
"You're no good at Geometry! Or pre-calculus! You're just not man enough for me," said Math.
"Your vocabulary is horrible! You're just not man enough for me," said English.
"Balancing equations is not your forte, and you can barely manage to hold a test tube full of toxic chemicals without dropping it! You're just not man enough for me," said Science.
"Your U.S. history is shaky, and you do not even come close to being able to recite the Declaration of Independence! You're just not man enough for me," said History.
<<ĄTu acento es muy cĂłmico y tu habilidad para comprender es muy triste! No eres lo suficientemente hombre para mĂ.>>
Well, that went even better. But, nonetheless, they each had a point. There were a few important things that they were forgetting. And I was not about to walk away defeated.
I took a breath, and with major gusto, I began.
"For your information, Math, I may not be good at those things, but I put my heart and soul into algebra. I did everything you ever demanded me to do and I excelled doing so! And when I didn't understand something, I never hesitated to ask a question and to really try to understand you!"
"For your information, English, I find your statement to be quite erroneous. I have an excellent vocabulary and I'm always anxious and willing to learn new words. In addition to my impressive word choice, I have a fond love for analyzing literature and really digging into the meaning of a story. And I'm major grammar freak! Does that mean nothing to you?"
"For your information, Science, I worked so hard to learn biology for you! And chemistry! And physics! And I may not have enjoyed every minute of every class period, but hey! Those labs where I made peanut brittle and drove tiny electric cars were the best! And I actually learned a lot!"
"For your information, History, I take a great interest in World History! The renaissance? Hello! It was awesome! And I know a thing or two about U.S. history! The civil rights movement? World War II? Never have I ever invested as much of my free time in researching different historical happenings and actually finding enjoyment in it!"
<<Y para su informaciĂłn, yo he tomado espaĂąol desde el tercer grado y yo pienso que yo he aprendido mucho vocabulario y he aprendido mucha sobre la cultura y la literatura. Es algo que yo quiero estudiar mĂĄs en mi vida y tengo la intenciĂłn de haciendo esto.>>
"Okay, Bransen. Take it home," I whisper quietly to myself.
"You know, It's a little ridiculous that you don't give any guy a chance if he isn't able to do everything that you can do! Nobody is perfect! Especially not me! And I try my hardest to please you! But if you aren't going to give me the time of day, then what's the point?"
I start to become softer.
"Maybe I'll see you at NYU! And if I do, I will make it my foremost goal to excel and be able to do everything you ever ask me! Ever! You can count on it!"
I swiftly turned my back to each of them, and went on my merry way.
I felt victorius.
Man, these girls are so needy! It's like they only look for guys that can do everything that they can do. I'm not perfect. I'm not excellent at everything that they expect from me. But at least I try. I work so hard to please them and to understand them. I work so hard to be able to satisfy them.
As I was walking down the hall with a brokenhearted and slightly accomplished feeling, I ran into Theater-my best friend since third grade. We really get each other; always have, always will. Her face was just the face I needed to see.
She could tell that I was upset.
"What's wrong, Bransen?"
"Theater, will you promise me something?"
"Sure! What?"
"If I get into NYU Tisch, will you promise to always stick with me? No matter what?"
"Always," said Theater, a bit confused, but still sincere.
We embraced, and it was then that I realized that Theater would always be a loyal friend. And getting the chance to be at NYU Tisch where I can get the foundations I need to succeed in the world of the performing arts would make everything that much better.
"Okay! Let's go to the dance tonight," said Theater, promptly changing the subject.
"You know, why don't we just hang out tonight? You can help me practice for my NYU audition in a few months!"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. I'm happiest when I'm with you anyway. And plus, I've got to kill this audition if I want to have a good chance of getting in!"
Very creative! And griping,I couldn't stop reading it!
I would suggest that you don't use any contractions though as the essay is also intended to display your academic ability, and at times some readers break into a fit when they see contractions.
I thin if it is not crucial for the reader to understand the Spanish part then just keep it in Spanish. In my country we have 11 official languages and as a writer I have learned to make use of more than 1 language at a time and I only give translations if I feel its imperative that the reader gets that bit.
And at times I'll be writing in English,but I'd slip in a Zulu or Afrikaans statement. Hell! One of my characters says, "Mas rapido" and "No disparar". So I would say its fine as translations might make it too long.
Also,don't you want to talk more about the special relationship that you have with theater? Perhaps reflect on some past event when she had been there for you just as she is also here for you when all the others reject you?
One more thing,your vocabulary is GREAT when you assert to English that she was wrong,but to convince the reader that English was REALLY wrong,then I think you might want to maintain a superior vocabulary through out the entire passage.
Ooh and (this is really the last thing) don't you want to add the theater setting as a back drop to the whole story. Perhaps by using the Jargon associated with theater,especially because this is for Tich, I am sure they will appreciate the effort and it would really be a good way to support the statements where you declare that you love theatre.
Do get a second opinion,though! I might just be wrong about everything I said,however what I am certain about is that I absolutely loved reading it and it is well written.
Ă hope I could be of help, and please read my essay!
GOODLUCK FOR YOUR AUDITION!!!!
Cute and different!
But you might want to check on your grammar, especially if you're going to point out your excellence in it. Commas in dialogues go inside quotation marks, for one. You should only be using one tense in paragraphs for another. You tend to switch back and forth from present and past. Up your vocabulary as well--if you're going to comment on your excellence, then display it. It only makes sense to do so.
Also, don't forget that two sentences combined by a compound should have a comma before the compound. For example, this should be:
I did everything you ever demanded me to do, and I excelled doing so!
And you're slightly inconsistent with capitalizing your subjects. You'll capitalize "Geometry" but not "algebra." It's not necessary to capitalize them if they're not counted as "people"--just make sure you do it to all of them.
And my major thing is, if you're aiming for Tisch, and you can't even differentiate between "theatre" and "theater," it might not look too good. Theatre is the art, theater is the place it's performed. Just make sure to get it right.
