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'a strange personality' - Introduce yourself to UPenn


djking99 2 / 2  
Dec 20, 2011   #1
Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences

I have a strange personality, as I'm an addict- addicted to humming. Maybe it's best explained by an article I read: humming calms the worrisome, distractive portion of our nervous system so that the productive portion lets one to focus on a certain task. I hum while I'm playing the Bach Air in D on my violin, improving my intonation. I hum while I'm reading The Hobbit, helping me become Bilbo Baggins, as he is spying on a couple of orcs as Gandalf is waiting for my arrival. I hum while I'm writing my English essay about Freudian theory in King Lear, allowing me to incorporate ideas more efficiently. I also feel humming can be practical, especially in college. With challenging courses, scheduling issues, difficult exams, coupled with forming a new social network, it can be quite valuable to ease the stress of college life.

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I'd like to if my paragraph answers the prompt. If not, tell me where I can expand more? Thanks guys, always looking for improvement. =)
cherrybomb94 20 / 44  
Dec 20, 2011   #2
Your first sentence is not bad, but I would suggest making it more concise. Also, "lets one to focus" needs to be corrected because it is not gramatically correct. Also, this part: "allowing me to incorporate ideas more efficiently" is not very clear...i get what you're trying to say, but again, it's worded funny. The last sentence is also gramatically incorrect; "With challenging courses, scheduling issues, difficult exams, coupled with forming a new social network" is describing college life, not humming, so you cannot place the word "it" immediately after, for "it" refers to humming.

Besides these grammar/wording issues, I think this is a fine essay. Best of luck! :)
OP djking99 2 / 2  
Dec 20, 2011   #3
Thanks for the help and compliment. =)


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