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Strenght, football team - FSU Admissions Essay (Suggestions?)

iambubbathedog 1 / 4  
Oct 12, 2008   #1
Strength can be considered a variety of things; to me it is determination, perseverance, and integrity. My strength has flourished and nurtured off of my personal life experiences, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" (Friedrich Nietzsche).

As a member of my school's varsity football team, one thing I have proven to myself is that I am comprised of "Vires", "Artes", and "Mores". The grueling practices push me to the limit in my never ending strive to become a better person, not just a better athlete. It takes more than mere athletic ability to play football, it takes character. Mirroring life, football demands focus, persistence, and as my coaches like to say: attention to detail. It's not about winning or losing, it's about keeping your head up when you're down, it's about having integrity when you're successful, it's about bettering yourself in even the smallest of ways possible, it's about "Vires, Artes, Mores". If there is one thing my coaches are known for it is constantly preaching about putting mind over matter and the pursuit of perfection.

"Artes" is something I have adapted to my life academically as well as athletically, sometimes committing myself to up to twenty hours of practice a week while still maintaining my G.P.A. Although football takes up a substantial amount of my time I have continued to challenge myself academically with AP and honors courses, preparing myself for what lies ahead.

At one point in my life I considered quitting football. My friends would always ask me: "If it takes up so much of your time why don't you just quit?" I could never answer them; I couldn't put my finger on it. But thinking about it now, I realize, it was because it didn't kill me.

Mainly I need help extending the first and third paragraphs. Any criticism would be appreciated, thanks!
mickeygirl 5 / 7  
Oct 12, 2008   #2

Actually I think you can try to add more detailed info. in P2 to explain "Vires, Artes, Mores", maybe try to focus on one example and specify.

Well, it was just my thought.

Best of luck!~
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 12, 2008   #4
Good afternoon.

Mechanically, I suggest a refresher in basic punctuation, mainly comma use. Prentice Hall has a great series called "The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" written by Stephen Reid. I think there are six editions, but any of them would help you in this regard; you can usually pick them up cheap used or find them at the library.

In regards to content, the third paragraph could also do well with some more explanation. How has all of this pain made you a better person? Why does it "do the trick" where nothing else does? Does everyone have something in life that will improve them in the ways that football has improved you?

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OP iambubbathedog 1 / 4  
Oct 12, 2008   #5
Yeah, I have been known to abuse commas.
I've added a couple things to it and I think it's much better now.

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